Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my wonderful and loyal readers! I hope your New Year's Resolutions aren't too ambitious (mine: do well at uni, and keep up with the running).

Be safe, party hard, or curl up on the couch with your loved one. Whatever you do, make sure you enjoy the last night of the decade!

A Big Fat Fuck You.

Believe it or not, but this blog is about me. This gives me the right to write about me. And sure, right now my life's pretty great - however, if you had read my entire blog, you would know that my life has not always been great. I go through the same teenage angst as everyone else. Try these ones, Needs, The C Word or Good News and Bad

How dare you judge me for being happy. If you are unhappy, then I am sorry, but don't try and bring me down. I already have a sister who tries to do that, I don't need to have it here on my blog where I write about what I like. If I choose not to share the special facts about Jake (like how he surprised me by taking me to a movie he didn't want to see for my birthday, and the zoo. How he invited me to stay with his family on a holiday. How when he took my virginity he couldn't stop apologising for having hurt me. How he tells me that with each passing day that he doesn't see me, he feels more strongly about me).

Sure, this is the first time I've been in love. I never said he was perfect, or that we're going to get married and have children. All I said was that I'm happy. If this offends you, then stop reading my blog.

Christmas

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was laid back and nice. Happy holidays!

What's The Deal?

This blog isn't as fun anymore now that every comment is about how much of a creep Jake is. Which, for the record, he is not.

He's not in a gang- the first time he was attacked he was walking home with some mates and guy walked out and tried to mug them. Jake took the attack, wrestled the guy to the ground and held him in a choke hold until the cops arrived. On Saturday night, he and his mates were waiting for their ride home when two young guys from the Mongrel Mob (his mates think it might have been some sort of initiation) and started trouble. For the first time in his life, Jake told them that he didn't want any trouble. They told him that it was too late, and one of the guys punched him with a knuckle duster. He's from a small town, and so violence from gangs is higher than it is in the bigger cities.

He's not a virgin-hunter, thank you very much. Mine was the first virginity he's taken, and when I make jokes about having threesomes with another guy he tells me "no ways would I ever let that happen. You've only had me and I want to keep it that way." And before you go ranting about how he'd probably be happy to have a threesome with another chick, you're wrong. He said that thought makes him feel uncomfortable because he'd feel like he was cheating on me. And yes, he cheated on his girlfriend with me. But he and his girlfriend were only together for two weeks, if that before we got together, and most people wouldn't even consider that to be a relationship. Jake and I have been together for four months, and I'd trust him with my life. He talks about the future with me - moving in together in our third year, and even getting engaged (but not until we finish uni). Not of it's ever in a "this is what we're going to do" way, but in a "wouldn't it be cool if we stayed together" kind of way.

Yes, when Jake came round, we broke my father's rules. However, if I hadn't wanted to break them, he would have been happy to stay in his own room. Did you never break your parents rules? Not ever? If you didn't, then what a boring teenage life you must have had to have never done anything that they didn't approve of.

For those of you that are interested, Jake is 18 years old, turning 19 in May, so he's about 5 months younger than me. He's also quite mature- more mature than me I'd say. He's been through a lot - his Dad was abusive (and no Jake's never laid a finger on me- he's not that guy), and so he's been through the divorce of his parents and then moving to a new country where he knew no one and had no one but his immediate family with him.

That's the end of my defence of Jake. He's a wonderful guy, end of story. If these nasty comments keep coming, I'm going to start writing about unicorns and ponies. I'm not stupid. If Jake turns out not to be the right thing for me, then I'll leave him.

Surgery

I've just come home from my bedside vigil at the hospital.

Ok, it's not quite as dramatic as it sounds. Well, it is a bit dramatic. Jake had his jaw broken by two gang members (strangers- he's not in a gang!) and so I rushed to be with him while he waited for his operation. Unfortunately I had to leave to get back to my hometown for work (before Christmas retailers are stuffy about getting work off, and I'd already had Sunday off). He's in post-op now and so is already on the mend.

I'll do a post later about why he's so great because everyone seems to hate him. Not that I have any need to justify my relationship. I'm happy, he's happy, and we love each other.

A Wonderful Weekend

I've just had the most wonderful weekend. Jake came up to stay on Friday, and left around lunchtime today. I didn't quite realise how much I missed him until I saw him again, didn't quite realise how much I love him until I saw him again.

We went shopping, and he bought me my Christmas present, which is a lovely pink satin nightie. We went to see The Time Traveller's Wife, which he surprisingly loved. I took him to a Japanese place for dinner, snuggled with him, had sex four times (once in the living room), and was generally the happiest I've been since the holidays began.

My favourite part of the weekend would have to be Saturday night. We were sleeping in separate rooms in accordance to my father's rules, when suddenly I was woken by Jake getting into bed beside me and pulling my arm over him.

"Are you ok babe?"

"My knee's in so much pain, and I knew you'd make me feel better," he said. He had a skin infection on his knee from being attacked last week, and for some reason it got very bad during the night. I climbed out of bed and fetched him some painkillers and then held him as he waited for it to kick in. He later told me that when he was little and in pain (has bone growths, which means he on occasionally gets bone infections), he used to crawl into bed with his mum. The fact that he reverted to that natural instinct with me made me feel incredibly special. Now I'm the woman that gets to cuddle him and make him feel better.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

I'm still not really sure what love is, to be honest. I'm pretty sure I love Jake, and being away from him is horrible, but with this being my first love, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel.

A lot of people have said that love is all consuming, that it takes you over and is all you can think about. I wouldn't say this is true for me. Yes, Jake's often on my mind, especially as we are so far apart at the moment, but I don't feel the need to constantly declare my love for him or tell him how much I miss him - in fact, when he was going through a week patch last weekend, and every text said "I miss you," or something along those lines, I got a little freaked out.

I don't want our love to become obsessive. I don't want to only see him all the time, and he's the same. Sure, seeing each other more often than we see other people is likely, but we have other friends and different interests, and we believe that it's important to keep hold of them. I want to be the object of his affection, but not the only object.

If someone asked me to define love, I'd probably say it was the feeling of security that I have when I'm with him. When I'm wrapped in his arms, nothing can go wrong. It's how he makes me feel- beautiful, whether fully clothed or naked. He's not afraid to tell me the truth, and not afraid to tell me to stop complaining (something I do far too often).

So I'm still not sure what love is, if it's supposed to be all consuming, or if it's just that feeling of security. Either way, I'm happy with how I feel at the moment.

P.S. I'd love to hear what you think love is.

Goodness, eight days since I last posted. How terrible of me. I've been so busy with work, and to be honest I don't have much to blog about because I'm on holiday. I haven't really had the chance to go out with friends or anything, so I'm out of hot topics. If anyone has any questions for me I'll do a q&a session, just because I have nothing better to write about.

Boy Body Issues

Turns out boys have body issues, too. I mean, I was aware of it - I'm not stupid, but even confident boys worry if their body isn't good enough.

I'm talking about this today because my boyfriend texted me, saying he had something to ask that was bugging him.

"Are you happy with my body? Like, are you happy with me?"

"What? Are you serious? I love your body. I love your arms and your back especially."

"Yeah, I'm being serious. I guess being fat once makes me still think I'm a little bit fat. I saw Taylor Launter in New Moon and ultimately I want to look like that, so next year I'm going to start a new program at the gym to work on toning up."

"Don't let it become your life. If you want to get a body like him, I won't complain, but I love you the way you are and will continue to do so whether you have the body of Jacob or not."

Now, Jake's not a skinny guy, so his toning up to look like the New Moon wolf is not unrealistic. He's bulky, but lacks the definition that stereotypically makes a man sexy. Well, not stereotypically. I'm not going to complain if he wants to tighten up, but as it is, to me he is still perfect the way he is. He has an amazingly warm body temperature which I love, because I always seem to be cold. Who needs a blanket when you can snuggle up to your own personal heater with arms to wrap around you and make you feel secure.

It doesn't matter what his body's like, I fell in love with him and not his body.

Skype Calls

It's been just over a week since I saw him in person, but last night we had a Skype date. It started out as general conversation, talking about what we'd been up to, our families, our uni plans. And then it got a little romantic as we undressed for each other and just soaked each other up.

Only problem was, it made us both a lot more desperate to see each other again, which is why he's decided to fly up and stay with me in twenty-five days (yes, I'm counting down) so that we can spend time with each other.

After he told me he loved me and we hung up, I felt lonely, which sucked. I wanted to snuggle into his warmth and have him kiss me.

Twenty Five Days to Go.

An Epiphany

I think I've had an epiphany before on this blog, but I'm had another one. I had it a couple of days ago while I was getting undressed for my shower.

I'm happy with my body.

It may not seem like a big epiphany, but for most women (and men too, perhaps), they never achieve happiness. Sure, I'm not perfect, but at this moment I've never felt so secure in my own skin. Going to the gym has made me relatively fit, and relatively toned. My legs still wobble a bit, but my stomach looks good. I'm confident to undress for Jake, and I know he loves my body, so maybe that helps.

It's a good epiphany to have.

Long Distance

This long distance thing sucks and it's only been four days. Don't worry, I haven't become all pathetic and whiney. I'd just like to hear his voice. Hopefully we get the chance to talk tonight.

I figured out how much it will cost to go to his town. Too much. It would amount to about three days of work and that sucks, because I can't go spending the money I make like that.

I'm sad. Hopefully he can come see me.

Home

I'm done. I'm back in my hometown for three months of freedom. Well, working... but mostly freedom.

It's both awesome and sad - home cooked meals rule, but chances of me seeing my friends and Jake over the holidays are slim. I'm busy waiting for Summer to truly arrive so I can spend my days reading books in the sun.

Thanks to everyone who offered their support about my little sister. We sat down and watched the interview with Rihanna yesterday - I'm hoping that maybe it will make her think a little bit. Other than that, there's still nothing I can do.

Exams, Jake and Abuse

Just one more exam to go and I will officially be finished my first year of university. I feel so old! I should be studying, but I can't seem to do more than two hours a day without getting majorly distracted.

On another note, my parents said that Jake could come and stay with us during the Summer break, as long as we sleep in different rooms. This is a big achievement in my household, where the rule used to be 'no boys to stay. Ever.' I think my parents are finally recognising that I'm growing up, or perhaps they just really like Jake. Either way, I'm stoked.

I'm not stoked about the situation with my littler sister, though. Her boyfriend had been seen pushing her to the ground at school. My parents aren't able to do much, because she's said that if they stop her from seeing him, she'll run away. They'd prefer to be able to monitor what he's doing than have her run away and get even more hurt. They've forced her to go to counselling, and that's about as much as they can do for now. I'm hoping that when I get back, I'll be able to help her, even if it's just by spending time with her. It sucks that she's 16 years old and in an abusive relationship. It's even worse that the only person who can truly help her turn this situation around is herself.

Birthday!

Best birthday ever? I think so.

Gifts from friends made me feel good, and then Jake put me in the car and drove without telling me where we were going. I had to close my eyes, and when we opened them, we were at the zoo. I was totally excited, because we've been talking about going for ages. After we wandered round the zoo, we were off to our next location. He handed me his wallet and told me to look inside. There were two tickets to the movie, The Young Victoria, a movie I've wanted to see for ages, but he'd refused to see with me. I was so excited. He made the day feel so special, and it was topped off when he have me a martini glass, because he believes that "a classy girl needs something classy to drink from, and this strikes me as your sort of glass."

I can't believe I'm 19. This blog has been running for three years! Crazy, huh? This year has probably been one of the biggest years of my life. I moved away from home, made a whole bunch of new friends. I had my heart broken and learnt how to pick up the pieces. I drank, a LOT. I met a guy who makes me feel secure and amazing. I lost my virginity and discovered how great sex can be (FYI: on the weekend I had sex in a tent and in the shower). I joined a gym, I ran out of money, and I think I grew up quite a lot.

I'm looking forward to the next years, and hopefully this blog can continue so that you can all share my experiences with me.

The Blog Continues

Ok, so the blog stays. I'm going to continue to write about how happy I am with life at the moment. Big sarcastic thanks to the people who think my happiness is about to come crashing down around me. Believe it or not, I'm aware that sex does not make a relationship, but just because I don't blog about the other aspects of my relationship doesn't mean that all there is is sex. We're happy, and screw you if you want me to come crashing down.

I'm meeting his family this weekend, who are holidaying in a popular New Zealand holiday spot for Labour Weekend. We're driving up to meet his five younger siblings, his mother and step father and his grandmother. Needless to say, I am incredibly nervous. I want to make a good impression on his family, because I want this relationship to last. He's very close with his mother, so if I don't impress her, his view of me will be tarnished. I'm sure I can impress them- I'm going to rock up with some lollies for the kids, and dress in a cute summer dress so that his mother knows I dress well. I'll play with the kids, and when Jake's studying, I'll pull out my study so she knows that I apply myself.

If she doesn't like me, it's three days that I have to grin and bear it. Wish me luck.

P.S - 19 next week, so look out for a good ol' birthday post.

An Apology

Dear Anonymous Reader,

Thank you for making me realise that as of late, my blog has turned to crap. I knew it had been going downhill for awhile, but your comment really opened my eyes.

The truth is, is that I think I may have run out of things to say. It's not that I want this blog to end, but after 3 years of 'boys don't like me,' and 'I don't know where I'm going in life,' my life has finally started to come right. Realistically, I know that nobody wants to hear about how I know where I'm going with my life, that I'm with a guy who makes me feel amazing, that when he holds me in his arms I feel like nothing can go wrong. Hell, I know I don't want to read about that stuff. I know that it's a lot more interesting to read about other people's misery, because it makes us feel more secure.

This blog is supposed to be about me growing up, and I'm well aware that I still have a lot of it to do. But right now I feel I've reached a plateau, that for now at least, my growing up has stopped. This blog isn't coming to an end - not until I truly run out of things to say, but it might be lame for awhile, unless you can ask me questions, to which I will happily blog about.

All my love,

Six

Crazy Monkey Sex

Last night we were lying in bed watching TV episodes on Jake's laptop. While he was intensely focussed on the screen I stripped down to my underpants. When he turned his computer off and rolled over to face me, he was most surprised.

And then we had the best sex I've have since I started. He bent me over his desk and did me from behind, I sat on his lap and he bounced me up and down like a kid on Santa's lap, he did me on a chair. Then I pushed him onto the bed and rode him. And then he flipped us round and lifted my legs up high and went deep and hard until I came. It was an excellent night.

He told me I had the most perfect breasts he'd ever seen, which always goes down a treat. I told him I should become a porn star with such perfect breasts. His reply? "No way. I want to be the only one who gets to fuck you." I love it when he talks like that when we're in bed. We don't exactly talk dirty to each other, but our language becomes harsh and crude, and it is such a turn on. He wants me to talk dirty to him more, but I don't really know what to say so mostly I just tell him to fuck me harder.

Plans

My plan for tonight:

• Study for test worth 25% that's happening tomorrow.
• Have sex.

Silent Whispers

Saturday night I introduced Jake to my family at a cousin's 21st. Everyone seemed to like him, which was really good.

What was even better was us fooling around in our sleeping bags on the floor while my sister's slept in the double bed behind us. The restrictions of not being able to raise our voices above a near whisper was more of a turn on than anything I've ever experienced. He whispered all the dirty things he wanted to do to me while I tried to avoid moaning in ecstasy as his fingers worked magic on me.

The next day as we neared campus I rubbed him gently the whole way until he was rock hard by the time we got back.

"You realise," he said, "that as soon as we get inside I'm going to fuck you?'

And did her ever.

Fucking on the Phone

Last night we were both naked in his bed, my hand around him, and his fingers in me when my cellphone went off.

"Just ignore it," I said, thinking it was a text message. He picked it up and I noticed that the little light was still flashing. "Fuck, it's a phone call." I flipped it open and answered it.

"Hi, Six! How're you?" It was my Dad. Jake got off the bed and wandered over to his drawers while I had a little chat to my father. He came back, condom on, and climbed on top of me, kissing my neck and sucking on my nipples. I tried to keep my voice steady and act like nothing was going on.

"Dad, I have to go now," I said, pushing Jake back as he tried to enter me.

"Oh, how come?" He said. I think he was a little bit disappointed.

"Because my boyfriend is about to fuck me," I replied.

Just kidding.

"I had a late night last night so I'm pretty tired."

"Oh, ok, goodnight love you."

As soon as I had closed me phone Jake was in me and I had the best sex I'd ever had. He focussed entirely on me getting pleasure, and when he whispered in my ear how he loves my "tight little pussy," I knew I'd found a winner. And then he gave me my first orgasm that I hadn't done myself and it was an excellent night.

Nudity and Orgasms

I've been discussing my sex life with two of my friends that I live with, and they say that I'm quite different from most girls.

Why?

Because Jake has seen me completely naked.

"But surely your boyfriend saw you naked when you guys had sex?" They both shook their heads,

"Nope, it'd be dark and straight afterwards I'd get under the sheets," Louise said, and Manda nodded in agreement.

"Really? That's so weird..."

"It's not weird, you're the weird one," Louise laughed, "you have way too much self confidence for a girl."

"I guess Jake just makes me feel beautiful. Afterwards we lie there for a bit, just, together. It's not weird at all. Should it be weird?"

"No, of course not. It's a good thing that you're confident about your body," Manda assured me. "Do you go on top?"

"Yeah..."

"Wow," said Louise. "I have so much respect for you. I think you've had better sex than I've ever had. Do you enjoy it? Or do you just enjoy it cause he enjoys it?"

"I enjoy it because it feels good... but I haven't orgasmed yet..."

"I never did with my ex, and we had sex all through Summer,"

"Shit, son."

"I also never enjoyed it like you do. I'm sure your orgasm's right around the corner."

Let's hope so. Sex is feeling good right now, but I still haven't peaked. Is it rude to tell him that I haven't?

The L Word

He loves me. He told me this ages ago, but I left it out of the details for now.

More specifically, he's IN love with me. With ME.

And I love him too. I'm not IN love with him, but I am quickly heading in that direction.

The thought of not seeing him for two months while he's in South Africa with his family hurts. I'm going to have to keep so busy over Summer so I don't spend it pining over him, because I don't want to be that girl.

In other news, last night we were having sex and then he decided we should stop because we both had to get up for the gym in the morning. I thought I'd done something wrong, but he assures me that it was just bed time. It still seems a bit weird to me, but he is a mysterious one.

Just For Your Information...

I had some hot sex last night.

A Blowjob

Jake asked me if I'd ever given a blowjob before the other night when we were in bed. I lied and said that I hadn't, when in actual fact I'd given Kip one.

Why did I lie? Surely it's not that bigger deal to have been honest. I think it was just easier to say that I hadn't, especially as I know that Jake is still uncomfortable with the role Kip played in my life prior to him. He worries that I might still have feelings for him, because I told Jake that I had thought I was in love with him. I've reassured him that our feelings towards each other are now purely platonic, that it's Jake I feel for now, but I know if he knew I'd given him a blow job he probably still wouldn't be that happy.

Also, when I gave Kip his blowjob I wasn't sober, so I had the liquid confidence. Although in time I'm sure I will be happy to give Jake one, I didn't feel confident enough to do it then. He was fine with it, but I think if he knew about Kip's, he might have felt a bit ripped off.

Well That Hurt.

I told Jake I was falling for him last night.

"That makes me very happy," he replied. "I'm falling for you too. I'm falling in love with you."

I'm meeting his step-dad tonight, who's in the city for a big game. I'm quite nervous, but so happy that he wants me to meet him. I'm glad because I think this is the only chance I will have because his family are moving back to South Africa.

Something bigger than that happened last night, though. Last night I lost my virginity and shit it hurt like a mother fucker, even though he was gentle and went slow. He kept apologising for hurting me, which made me smile. For all the males who read my blog, I would describe the feeling as having an ear piercing that's grown over, and then forcing an earring back through it. Except on a much larger scale, obviously.

Another Short Post

I've been really lazy with updating and I apologise, it's just that I don't think my readers will be as interested in how generally happy I am. It's just not as interesting as how much my life sucks.

Things with Jake are still going well, even with the death stares from the ex. She can get fucked. Jake and I have been together now for as long as they were (that's right, three weeks. Hardly enough to count), so she needs to grow up.

Uni's going well, I just got an essay back worth 25% of the paper with an A+. The lecturer was pretty much creaming himself over how good it was, so I'm feeling pretty good right about now.

Things With Jake.

Things with Jake are going really well. We spent the day together shopping on Thursday (town dress for $34? Yes please), and the present he got me was an All Blacks t-shirt. I stayed in his room on Friday night and it was really nice. We've had 'the talk,' and he's completely willing to wait for me to be ready, he said he doesn't expect anything from me, which is cool. I'm trying to go slow this time around - I don't want to leap into this like I did last time, just to have my heart broken once more.

He also looked after me last night and put me to bed after I did winey hands - a bottle strapped to each hand. Needless to say, I don't remember anything after finishing the second bottle. Apparently I tried to go to town but they told me that it was 4 in the morning and I'd already been, when in reality, it was 10.30 at night and there was no way I was going anywhere.

Blood is Thicker than Water

My sister is nearly 21 years old and still expects me to make sure she's up in the morning to make sure she gets to her doctor's appointment on time. Seriously? Grow. Up.

My little sister has a boyfriend that breaks her heart every couple of weeks, yet she still goes back to him every time.

Thank God I don't live here anymore.

One more sleep until I get to see Jake.

Quick Update

Sorry! I've been in another part of the country for the last five days and therefore away from private internet access.

Jake's coming to my town on Thursday. We're going shopping and then back to campus together. He also has a surprise for me. I'll post what it is when I get the chance.

Me and Him, Him and Me.

Well, he broke up with his girlfriend for me, and now we're together. I couldn't be happier. Both of us are a bit worried that karma's going to come round and bite us in the bum, but for now we're just focussing on us and getting to know each other better.

Before we got 'together,' I asked him how long he and his ex had been together. I wasn't going to go near it if it had been months, but it had only been three weeks, so I felt less guilty. He told me that he liked me and the beginning of the year, and he likes me now. Is that what I wanted to hear? Of course it was. I feel silly for feeling so happy about the whole thing, but I can't help it.

We spent two and a half hours on Skype on Thursday night, and we're going to talk online again tonight. He's also coming up to my hometown to see where I live, and then he's bringing me back here, where we'll spend the weekend hanging out until uni goes back.

I'm so excited for what this relationship might bring.

Facebook Chat and Suggestive Texts

Six

Do I wait round for creep Arabian guy or do I just give up and move on?

Nick

seriously?

Six

Seriously. I need to know before I get too cut up about it.

Nick

Dont mention i said this but Jake is pretty conflicted. we both know arabian is a joke.

what I know is that he doesnt wanna do wrong to anyone and is considering a lot

Six

Either way he's doing wrong.

And I know he doesn't want to be, he's not that sort of guy. I know this. But by not cutting me or her off he's just hurting both of us in the long run

Nick

i know. ummm... I know he wants to sort this out. im tryin to help him make this decision but its hard...

Six

Yeah. I know it is. And I want him to make the right one. Just right now I feel like I'm being messed around.

And the right one for him, not me

Nick

I honestly do not actually fully know wats...

wat hes thinking

Just a little time is wat i need to try and help him with this.

I want him to do right as well

Six

Yeah. I don't care what his decision is (well obviously I do, but you know). Just as long as he's happy with it.

Yes, I am well aware that chances are, I am setting myself up for some big hurt. Karma, right? But also, I only ever seem to get the bad side of karma, so surely I should be getting some good things soon, right?

Suggestive texts:

"You should not go on an exchange next year and instead come to South Africa with me in the middle of the year."

"Maybe I could afford to do both. Or visit you in South Africa on my way back."

"Gutted. Maybe. What if you had a boyfriend in NZ and you left for the USA? Be a big buzz kill, wouldn't it?"

"I don't and if I did it wouldn't be if he was willing to wait four months to kiss me again."

"Just hypothetically you know. But I'm sure he'd be willing to wait."

But...

A text conversation:

"You look beautiful by the way."

"Don't."

"I will do what I want when I want :)"

"You can't do what you want when you want."

"Aw that sucks, big time."

"That could have been us in there corner there."

"That's insane. In a cool way I mean."

"Instead we'll just send text messages that we shouldn't."

"Haha I like that."

We don't take our eyes off of each other, while our two friends are going at it in the corner of the bar. Finally the two split off and we go home our seperate ways. I text him later telling him to come round so that our friends can hook up, and they come with noodles in hand. Jake and I go out to make the noodles and leave them to it. He leans on the wall while I fill the jug and boil it.

"How did I get so lucky?"

"You're not lucky." I stand close to him and somehow our lips find each other. He lifts me up and sits me on the bench and we kiss until the jug boils. Then, following his instructions we make instant noodles. Then, it's back to our room where we eat noodles and then while our friends get really carried away in my bed, I sit in Jake's lap and we kiss more. We talk, as well. He calls me beautiful, he tells me about my hair. He tells me that when we first met he thought I was a lesbian. I was his first crush here. Our connection's too strong for someone who has a girlfriend. He gives me my first hickey.

I feel cheap today. I was the girl that I hoped I'd never be. We're talking about it now, and I'm just trying to figure out whether we're going to go anywhere. If he doesn't break up with his girlfriend, then that's it, I'm out and moving on.

"I'm Not a Cheater"

I left town early (food poisoning and alcohol are never a good idea), but texted him, telling him that he should come and visit me when he gets back from town. He said he would, and after a few more flirty texts, he told me to throw down my keys.

Jake came up and we chatted for ages about life in general. For some reason he decided to hop on my computer and go on Facebook, and then told me to take a stupid quiz. While I did the quiz he lay down on my bed.

"Don't you dare coma on my bed," I said as I crawled over him and sat on the bed behind him.

"I won't, I won't." I started flicking him with my fingers, trying to stop him from falling asleep on my bed. He kept hitting my hand away in a playful manner, but slowly the playful slaps became caresses as we let our hands slip through each other's, brushing our fingertips over the others. Neither of us spoke. He started falling asleep, so I smacked him in a playful manner.

"No comaing!"

"I'm not. Just imagine you're somewhere else," he said to me as I got under my duvet and lay behind him. "I'm in the Caribbean."

"I'm in Tanzania."

"Tanzania, eh?"

"Have you ever been there?" He's from South Africa so I figured it was fair enough to ask.

"No, I never went outside South Africa."

"Have you ever seen a lion?"

He turned to face me and we had mindless chit chat for awhile. And then I started to run my fingers over his face, and then he kissed them. And then we kissed.

"I can't do this. I'm not a cheater,"

"Yeah, I know," I replied. He ran his hands over my cheek, and smiled at me.

"You're beautiful and if this had been any other time..."

"If I'd made a move a week earlier, huh?"

"Pretty much." He kissed me again. And a damn good kiss too.

"Chin up," he said, "you're beautiful. You are. I should probably go." He kissed me again and then he left.

I don't feel guilty, but disappointed because I think he's too honourable to ditch his girl. But if only I'd made a move a week earlier!

LBD

Last night I went to a LBD (Little Black Dress) Party. I was picked up in a 2009 V8 Holden and given champagne to drink in the back. When we arrived at the venue, the door was opened for us and we had our photo taken outside the bar. I have never felt so cool in my life. I felt like a celebrity. It was the best night in town I've ever had.

I met up with a guy that I'm kind of interested in just before we went home. He was incredibly flirty and when I told him I was going home he offered to buy me a drink to stay. I texted him when I came home and he told me to come back to town so he could buy me a drink. I told him I "couldn't be bought," and his exact message was "it's a pity you can't be bought, because I'd buy you." I laughed him off and told him he was drunk and that I'd text him in the morning.

Then I saw on Facebook today that he's 'in a relationship.' WTF (yes, I did just use that), so now I don't know what's what. Everyone said that he's always all over me so I wonder why he'd flirt like that if he's taken. I'm a little bit disappointed, but I'm not overly worried. I'm just glad I didn't start liking him more before I found out.

Swine and Mc Donald's.

The ball itself was lame, but getting dressed up and taking photos beforehand was awesome. I looked wonderful, if I do say so myself. My blue dress complimented my skin which had decided to clear up for the night.

Last night Kip got really sick (had I mentioned that we're good friends again?), and I mean really sick. His snot was orange, he was pale and said he had a headache. So his brother and I drove him to the hospital because we were worried that it was either meningitis or swine. We got to wait in the hospital for about two and a half hours before a nurse came out and checked his vitals. His heart was racing, so they took him off to do a heart trace. His brother and I started to get a bit worried, but he came back out and said his heart had gone back to normal. Finally he went off to see the doctor who said it probably wasn't swine, but was definitely a bad flu and ordered him away from uni for the rest of the week. We left the hospital at about 12.30 only to be told that his mother was driving from an hour away to pick him up, which meant his brother had to stay up to let her in. I volunteered to stay up with him, and so we drove around the city looking for ice cream. Because the roads were empty, we drove backwards around roundabouts and crossed lanes like we were racing car drivers. I finally made it to bed at about 3:00am.

My day was rather unproductive, because before this I sat in Mc Donald's with Derek, Sandra and Keith from 4:40pm to 8:00pm. It was a very good day though. Minus the swine fears.

The Ball (again)

Derek asked someone else to the ball and I'm gutted. I don't know why I am, as I know I shouldn't be. He was never even aware that I wanted asking, which is my own fault of course. He had a deal with my friend Kim that if neither of them had found a date by the ball then they'd take each other, but then Derek asked Sophie. So even if he hadn't found a date he still wouldn't have taken me. I asked Kim to the ball, so at least we don't have to go alone. Derek told me yesterday that I should find a date so that I don't look stupid. I didn't know we were all supposed to be taking partners.

I just feel kind of silly for having ever expected Derek to ask me. I should know better by now.

The ball is on Saturday, and no I have still not been asked by anyone. But I don't really care.

I'm more worried about my dress. I'm borrowing one off a friend but it's just not quite right. My sister's sending hers down for me to possible wear, so hopefully it will look good. I know it's only my uni ball, but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be perfect!

Jealous?

Our ball is in a week, and all the guys are taking someone from outside of our group except for Derek. I kind of thought he'd ask just me, just because we're the only two without dates. I found out today that he has a secret date, but he hasn't asked her yet.

And I'm jealous! I'm not sure if I'm jealous because I wanted to go on his arm, or because I just wanted someone to ask me, or because I wanted to go with someone. But I am. I'm jealous, and I think it's a bad sign.

The End of Re-O

And Re-O Week draws to a close, and I made out with two guys on two consecutive nights. A bit slutty maybe, but I couldn't give a hoot because I had fun. And they both texted me the next day, so it was a great self esteem boost.

Although, in saying that the ball is in a couple of weeks, and I would very much like someone to ask me. Mostly just because everyone in my group of friends seem to be coupling off. There are eight of us, and only three singles left. I've never been asked to a ball, so it'd be nice just for a change, even if it's just Derek, the only single guy left.

USA and Re O Week.

I didn't realise that I'd get so many strong reactions to my decision to go to the States next year. I want to go somewhere different, and I've heard that Canada is a lot like New Zealand, only colder. Britain is the mother country, so a lot of our ideals and beliefs come from there. The United States of America, however, is truly a different place. Different foods, different ideas about society - plus I'm very interested in American history, so that's my reasoning for going there. Plus it means I can see Max again, which is merely an added bonus. I will not be going to the same university as him, and I'll be in a completely different state, so I'll still have to make new friends etc.

I'm back at uni now and we're coming to the end of Re-O week, which is a downgraded version of O Week. Last night I went to a fluoro party, and tonight we're all dressing in white for the White Out Party. On Tuesday night I got a back draught - a shot that they light on fire, and catch all the alcohol fumes in a glass, while sprinkling cinnamon over the flames. You then have to do the shot through a straw, and then suck up all the alcohol fumes. Straight after the shot there is a period of about ten minutes that I cannot remember a thing. Needless to say I will never do another one of those again.

Goals

Semester B Goals:

• Worry less.
• Feel more secure with myself. I'm great, hear me roar and all that.
• Extend my circle of friends.
• Drink less, and go to town less. Not a lot less. Just less.
• Work hard. Working hard equals scholarships for USA.
• Save for USA.
• Have fun!

Exchanges

Sorry about the delay in posting. I've been really busy working, and for the past five days I've had a friend staying with me. Although not just any friend, Max is more like a brother to me. Last night I took him to the airport to catch a plane back to the USA. I cried like a little girl.

However, he's inspired me to go on an exchange next year to the States. After showing me pictures of what his campus looked like, I knew I'd love to experience that same college life. They seem to have a lot more school pride than the universities of New Zealand, so I've started researching the American universities that partner mine. Americans are also surprisingly different to us Kiwis, and I think it would be awesome to experience a new way of life.

I return to campus on Saturday, and after opening "the book of Max" and taking his advice, I'm going to try and be less insecure. He said that I have no reason whatsoever to be insecure - he's never heard a bad word said about me. So I'm listening to him, and I'm going to try to worry less and have more fun. I'm also not going to worry about boys- instead I'm going to focus on my studies more. I did really well this semester, finishing with an A average. I figure if I keep this up next semester, my chances of getting scholarships are a lot higher, and maybe I could even get sponsorship to the States.

I'm Going to Town Tonight...

Proof

I just wanted to assure readers that I'm not filling the void (if there is even one) with food.

I Want A Jess.

Yeah, I'm posting again. Get over it. I'm on holiday! Although I've made the decision to restrict my Facebooking to one hour a day. I want people to think I'm out doing stuff, even if I'm not. I'm way to addicted to that stupid social networking site for my own good.

Anyway, point of today's blog is guys, again. Which was sort of the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so it's apt.

I love Jess from Gilmore Girls. He's a bit of a dick, but there's something so mysterious and sexy about him. And I want one, please. That's the sort of guy I'd like at the moment. The guy who isn't anti-social, but would prefer to stay and watch movies with you than go to town- but will go if you drag him. He reads, and makes pop-culture references, and if I don't get them, he'll make me read/watch/listen so that I do get it. He works, or at least has had some sort of a job, has a car, and of course is a good kisser. He wouldn't stick around forever, he can't, he's not made that way, but he always cares.

This is the kind of guy you can't meet in town, I don't know where you would.

Saturday Night

I've finished my exams, I'm free for three weeks. I survived Semester A! Hooray!

How am I celebrating? Well, I went to town and watched the All Blacks beat the French, and then I came home. And now I'm watching Season Three of Gilmore Girls. It's not exactly how I had planned on spending my Saturday night, but my friend bailed on me so I had no one to go to town with. So, I'm home alone. I don't even have any food to gorge on. I went for a walk and sat down by the lake for a little while, but it got too cold. I did see a shooting star, though. I made a wish that next semester I'd be happier, less lonely, less... I don't know. Less me, maybe?

It's times like these where I wish I had a boyfriend, or a guy I fooled around with (but didn't actually have any feelings for). I'd just text them and we'd watch movies and make out a bit. It'd be nice, and better than this- as much as I love Gilmore Girls.

Exams and Kip

I have my first university exam tomorrow! I'm pretty confident about it, and hopefully I do well. At the moment I think I'm sitting on an A average, maybe A- for the whole semester, so I'm pretty pleased with myself.

On a different note, I've completely forgotten the reason of why I ever liked Kip. He's a jerk to me all the time, and I'm not sure what exactly I've done to deserve it. Even my pod-sister agrees.

"Kip's a great guy, and he's my favourite out of all the boys - but I hate the way he treats you. I hate the way all the boys treat you."

Doormat

I'm mad at myself, because I said that this year I wouldn't be that person. I wouldn't be the person that lets everyone walk all over them, that I'd stand up and learn to say 'no.'

Am I that person again? Of course I am.

Hello, my name is Six, pushover and doormat, nice to meet you!

I spent nearly $500 buying tickets for a concert later this year, with the thought that everyone would pay me back straight away. Only two people of six have paid me. Are the others going to pay me? Eventually. They don't seem to understand that to function next semester and over my holidays, I need the money back now.

Why do I keep doing this? I lend money out all the time, and no one takes my nagging seriously when I ask for it back. I'm currently $300 out of pocket. Is asking for them to pay me back promptly really all that bad? I don't think so.

The Evolution of Sixteen Secrets

I starts this blog on a whim, never thinking that I'd write over a hundred posts. I've never been able to keep a diary for that long, what makes an online blog any different?

This blog has also changed a lot from when I first started it. My first posts were all about secret confessions and desires, whereas now it reads more like the pages of my diary, which I guess in a way is what it is. And although it's secret to the people most important to me, there are people out there reading about my life. Or there used to be, I'm not sure if anyone is quite so interested any more.

I use this blog as an outlet, a place to say things that I can't speak aloud to others. It gives me satisfaction to know that people can know the dirty little secrets. I also like the fact that most people who commented on my posts were there to give advice and encouragement rather than to judge.

I love writing this blog, and although my posts may not be as interesting as they used to be (although there's still a chance of more pictures going up), I will continue to do it long after people have stopped reading it.

Still A Bit Lonely

I'm still feeling a bit lonely. But luckily I can blame it on stress, as exams are coming up soon. I'm trying to think of something more interesting to post, but everything socially has finished until the holidays, so I'm out of ideas.

Only the Lonely

And when I say that I'm happy again... well, I lied a little bit. I am happy, mostly. I'm over Kip, I'm happy for him and his girlfriend. But I feel lonely.

I went to town last night to celebrate the end of semester, and was instantly ditched by the guys I went with. I knew this would happen, and I wasn't worried by it. After awhile though, I was still by myself. I hadn't been approached by any guys (except for a creepy guy with hair that looked like a rug), and all around me, there seemed to be couples.

My night was lame. I wasn't exactly looking for a guy to hook up with, but to have been approached by one would have been nice, to have a guy to dance with would have been nice. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing wrong in the man-front. I always make an effort to look good when I go to town, and yet never get approached.

I don't exactly want a boyfriend, but I miss the cuddling and flirting that goes on. I want someone to stay up until four in the morning with.

Yes, I'm aware of how pathetic I am, thanks for pointing it out.

Happy Again.

I've had a fantastic weekend, although it actually started on Thursday night when I had to take Derek home from town because he was so trashed he could barely stand. After buying him Subway and finally convincing him to hop in a taxi, we made it back to our hostel. He proceeded to tell me that I was such a good friend, and that he owes me. I just laughed - Derek has been so good to me about Kip that he deserved looking after. I helped him get undressed and as soon as he hit his pillow he was out like a light.

We woke up the next morning to find out that Derek was not the only one who had too much to drink. James had decided that he would race a car home, ran, tripped, face planted and sprained his ankle. He's on crutches now and the doctor said it could be a month until he can walk on it.

Kip and his Indian girl that I saw him hooking up with are official now. Derek and James told me last night when we were chilling. I thought that it'd upset me, but mostly I was just embarrassed about how emotional I got over it all. I've learnt not to open my heart so quickly again, if only to save myself the pain and embarrassment. I'm happy for him. I think Kip and I can finally go back to being buddies again. I told him this morning that I was happy for him, and I think when he comes back from Nationals on Tuesday we're going to sit down and have a talk.

I'm happy again, thank God. I like being me and not having to worry about anything - except exams and the three essays I have due on Tuesday, of course. I'd like to have a relationship with someone, but at the same time, I don't actually mind being single. Derek says what I need is a little flirtation - something that's exciting for a bit, but then just fades away without anyone being hurt, and I think he's right, but I'm not going to go searching for it.

Back to Me.

Sorry that I haven't posted so long. I didn't think it was going to be worth it, because they were all going to be miserable.

However now I'm back to full strength, I'm pleased to say. Kip and I are on the same page now, and I think I got over him. Mostly at least. There's always going to be that part of me that is wonders 'what if?' But I wonder that about all the guys I've ever been interested in.

Back and Forth.

Last night I decided I was going to stop being pathetic and moping. Kip doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me hurt, seeing what he did to me. I'm going to go back to being happy-go-lucky Six. If Kip can't see that I'm a beautiful, intelligent, funny, awesome, sexy, amazing woman, then he's obviously blind, and I shall just have to wait for someone who can see it. He can go out with that stupid bitch and I'll find someone better.

Ok, it still hurts. Really bad. But I'm trying.

On a slightly different note, I got a text from Isaiah last night. He was in the city that I'd run away from. I found this slightly ironic that the night I decide not to let Kip get to me anymore is the night that Isaiah returns to my life.

Ok, it really, really hurt. He's keen on the girl he met in town. They'll go out, she'll stay the night. He'll give her the virginity I wanted, and I'm going to be all alone.

It still hurts. I try to push it from my mind but it doesn't want to go. I hopped on a bus and came home for the weekend, just to get away from him and everyone else, but it's not helping. I just don't know why he didn't like me, why I'm so stupid as to have let myself fall without having realised it, why I was stupid enough to think that I wouldn't get hurt by only doing the physical side of things.

Dear Kip

I'm writing this letter to you because words help me feel better. Words allow me to get what's on my heart in the open without having to speak, without having to see your reaction. I couldn't say this stuff to your face, as much as I want to.

I have a confession to make, first of all. Do you remember that weekend when we got back from the beach? Do you remember how we were lying in my bed and you kissed me? It changed my life. Nothing exciting like that had ever happened before, and then you came along and kissed me. I should confess something else. The only reason that I didn't kiss you back was because I had my retainer in. If I hadn't, I would have kissed you back, if only for a second. Imagine if I had. Would things be different between us now? 

I'm not the sort of person who cries over a guy. It's not what I do. I usually hate girls who do it. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, not as pathetic as that. So why did I spend all day Sunday crying over you? What makes you so special? Don't call it love, because I wasn't quite stupid enough to have fallen in love with you. Had you given me the chance had we ever really been together, I think I would have fallen for you, because when we were together-but-not-together, you were wonderful. When we were in one of our 'let's not do anything' stages, you could actually be quite mean. I wonder if it's because you were pretending that we'd never done anything, or whether you truly felt like being mean. Needless to say, I enjoyed nice Kip a lot more than mean Kip.

I wonder why you agreed for us just to do the physical stuff. Don't say that you tried to stop it, because last time I checked, suggesting that you put a condom on so we don't have to stop doesn't exactly enforce your wanting to stop, nor does telling me that what I did with my mouth felt good. Did you imagine it was your ex when I went down on you? When the fire alarm went off, did you get a fright because you realized it was me and not her? Come to think of it, did you ever find me attractive? Did you care for me? Did you look forward to our nightly meetings as much as I did, or did you just enjoy the fact that I was a girl willing to give you pleasure? Your pleasure gave me pleasure, and although I know you were disappointed that you couldn't get me there, at the time I didn't care. I care now because I'm mad that I got you off and it ended before I could teach you to get me off, which I know you would have done eventually.

I wanted you to like me. I wanted you to realise that your girlfriend was young, stupid, and no where near as awesome as I am. I'll be honest to say that I still hope it's not too late, that you'll realise this and come running up the stairs and declare your devotion to me. I know it's not going to happen, but I can't help it. We always hold onto something. When we care for someone so much, there's always going to be a small part of us that cares for them in the wrong way.

Six.

Things I Learnt From Kip

After spending all of yesterday crying over the fact that I'd finally realised that there was nothing between us, I felt better today. But not a lot better until this evening, when I talked about it with a lot of my friends from home. Talking about it so much made it more bearable. Now I don't want to cry as much.

And these are The Things I Learnt from Kip:

• The physical side should not rule the emotional side.
• Stop before you get hurt.
• Blow jobs and fire alarms do not mix.
• 'Screwing the crew' should only be done when thought through.
• Hand jobs are more tiring than I would have thought.
• I can unbutton a shirt with one hand.
• I can also almost put a condom on with one hand
• You never realise how much you care until you realise they're never going to be yours.

The End.

I have never felt more thankful for my friend James than last night.

We were in town, and I walked into a club with my friend Lana, looked up and saw Kip making out with a girl. I turned and felt. She hardly knows me, yet she ran out with me and sat there on the sidewalk with me as I sobbed pathetically. I told her that I was going to go home, but she didn't have to come. I texted James and said,

"I just saw Kip making out with another girl. I feel sick and I'm going home." She helped me hail a cab and I leaped inside, still crying. Then my phone rang,

"Six, it's James. Where are you?"

"I'm- I'm - in a-a-a cab," I sobbed. "I feel sick, I don't want to be here anymore."

"Get out of the taxi. Meet me in The Den."

"I want to go home."

"Get out of the taxi." I sighed and hung up. 

"Can you drop me off here?" I said to the taxi driver. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to take a crying girl home.

"Yes, it's fine. Are you ok?"

"Yes, thank you." I paid him $3 and got out and walked down the street towards The Den. When I arrived, James met me outside and I fell into his arms. He sat me down and let me sob into his shirt.

"Don't worry about it, Six. I know you're upset, but when there's nothing happening between you, you've got to expect it. You should be out there hooking up with guys tonight too."

I just cried.

"You deserve it. Tonight you look beautiful, and if you just opened your eyes you'd see that every single guy here tonight is checking you out. You don't need Kip. He's come out of a pathetic relationship with a fifteen-turned-sixteen year-old. He's miles behind you in the dating world. You deserve someone better."

He took me inside, made me smile, and then made me go and hit on the sports stars that were all standing around the bar. I did, and ended up spending the rest of my night in town with one guy. I hooked up with him, and he even asked if he could come home with me. I declined, but did give him my number. He invited me to the sports game next week with him, but I don't think I'll go. I can't handle the possibility of a relationship. I'm just going to take my time getting into anything else.

I came home at about 3 with a friend of mine and hopped into bed. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I could see them kissing. Luckily at 4.30 my friend knocked on my door and said,

"I walked into a wall!" He had blood dripping down his head, so I got to play nurses and clean him up. Then he complained that he was dizzy so I made him stay the night with him so that I could check he was still alive during the night.

At about 7 in the morning I decided to empower myself. I texted Kip and said,

"I just want you to know that I'm not the same person anymore, and pandering to your every need isn't going to happen anymore. Fixing your shirts, doing your hair, putting food away for you when you ask me. It's not going to happen anymore because it's me clinging to a false hope that I saw last night does not exist. I'm not going to be that girl anymore because it's pathetic and I deserve better."

Double Hurt and the End

I went to town on Saturday, got very drunk in an attempt to make me forget. Bad idea. Instead I only succeeded in pulling out my phone and sending rude text messages to Kip when I shouldn't have. 

"You're a dick, you don't care,"

"It takes two to tango, it wasn't all my fault," and my personal favourite,

"You hsgt mf. I wishder yu cadrf."

I texted him yesterday morning and apologised,

"I'm sorry about the texts last night. I shouldn't have taken my phone to town. I do think there was some truth to it though." He didn't text back, so when he returned I went down to his room and knocked. 

We talked it out, well sort of. There was a lot of staring at walls from both parties.

"I felt like you made it out to be all my fault,"

"When did I ever do that?"

"When you said that you said we shouldn't have done it."

"I tried to stop it like three times,"

"But you didn't stop it. You let it happen, it was your idea to put a condom on so we didn't have to stop."

Silence.

"I'm not saying it's all your fault. We both were stupid."

"I agree."

Silence.

"I feel stupid." He looked at me, almost mad.

"Why should you feel stupid?" He asked, "why do you have any reason to feel stupid?"

"Because I thought that by doing that you might just forget about your ex, and that you might like me. I was stupid to think you could ever like me."

"You shouldn't feel stupid. I'm the stupid one. I'm the one who didn't stop it."

I didn't say anything. We sat in silence for awhile, and then I got up to leave.

"Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?" I shook my head. I went over to him and we hugged. I cried into his shoulder and he just held me.

When I left I still felt like crap.

I woke up this morning with a text from him on my phone,

"I'm really really sorry. But you know I never would have purposely done any of this to hurt you. I'm sorry that I just let it happen and didn't stop things earlier. I know I screwed up. And I know it's my fault. I'm so sorry that I did this to you. I didn't mean to hurt you this much."

I had wanted an apology, even though I know it's not all his fault. I still feel like shit. I replied with,

"I want to say that it's ok, but I can't. We were both stupid but I think that's what makes it hurt more, that I was stupid enough to think that you could ever like me. I should have known that you wouldn't. Things never turn out that way for me, why should this have been any different? It hurts because I was stupid."

"But I do accept your apology."

Yup, I Got Hurt.

I cracked. A couple of nights ago I went down to his room and we made out ferociously. I started stroking him and he suggested that he wouldn't have to stop me all the time if he put a condom on, so I put my year 10 health skills into practice and then made him moan (quietly, of course) until he came. I felt pretty good, but he felt bad because he knew he'd never gotten me off (and never did).

Then on Thursday night I gave my first blow job, and right in the middle of it, our fire alarms went off.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I said. "Get out, go!" He leaped off the bed and pulled his pants up, and tried to push the snap buttons of his shirt back together.

"It won't do up!"

"Get out!" We didn't get caught, so I finished the job later.

Yesterday I realised it was starting to hurt me, when Derek made a comment about us. We'd all planned to watch a movie but I could feel tears coming on and told Derek that I was just going to go to sleep. He came up to my room and forced me to tell me what was wrong. He let me cry on him as I explained it all.

"I just feel stupid because I know he's never going to like me, but I can't stop doing the physical stuff anyway even though it's not going to go anywhere."

"I thought you'd stopped. Did you do it again?" I nodded, and he sighed.

"You need to tell him to man up and get over his girlfriend. I'll tell him." I laughed, and he said that I should talk to him about it.

"We have, sort of." He held me for a bit longer and then had to go and finish an essay. I spoke to Emma about it a couple of hours later and she made me go down and tell him.

I knocked on Kip's door and he unlocked it for me.

"Can we talk?"

"Just let me put my laptop away." I sat down on the bed that had previously held so many good memories and waited. When he sat beside me I couldn't say anything, but when it was finally did it was pretty much what I said to Derek.

"That's why I didn't think we should be doing it," he said, "because I knew you or I was going to get hurt." Yeah, but you didn't stop it, did you? 

I was silent, waiting for him to say something else. Apologise, maybe. When he didn't, I got up to leave.

"I'll let you get to sleep."

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Well since there is no slight inclination from you that you will ever like me, eventually yes I will be ok. But not right this second," I replied, and slipped out the door.

I thought that talking to him would be more satisfying than that. I'd hoped he'd say something more substantial. Or at least say something like,

'Yeah sorry I'm never ever going to like you,' rather than just an acknowledgement of me being hurt. He didn't even seem sorry. I realise I was the one who broke our agreement about not doing anything unless it was going to go somewhere, but it takes two to tango.

Just Friends (Again)

We're back to being just friends. After getting hot and heavy every night he said he didn't think he could keep doing it, and that it was getting too much for him. I said that it was fine, because we'd had a deal and I wouldn't ask any questions.

"It's just I think every night was getting too much,"

"Yeah, maybe we did get carried away. I guess I just couldn't help myself," I replied, and he laughed.

"Yeah, we got very carried away. Are you ok with it?"

"I'm ok with it, but it can't happen again between us unless it's going to go somewhere. We can't keep hooking up and then changing our minds, ok?"

"I understand. I think that's probably a good idea. I'll try and keep it in my pants," he joked, but acknowledging that I was serious.

"We'll both try. Because we're only going to end up hurting each other if we keep doing it."

"I know."

So we're back to being just friends. My only problem is that I suspect it will happen between us again, and that we'll continue to go through this cycle of mucking round with each other for a few days, and then breaking it off, but I guess we'll just take it as it comes. For now I'll just smile at the few days we did spend together, and the new experiences that I had with Kip that I hadn't had with anyone else.

Friends With Benefits

The other night Kip and I were alone in his room. We'd just been chatting about the essay he hadn't started (and still hasn't started - due tomorrow), when we started kissing. I don't know how it happened, but it did, and it felt good. 

That is until Derek opened the door on us and said, 

"Gotcha!" We had a laugh about it and then I left, as the mood had obviously been ruined. Now Derek keeps making little jokes to me that no one else guesses. He's loving it.

He came up to my room the following night so we could talk about what happened, but it ended in a similar fashion, except this time Derek didn't walk in on us. 

"You know we can't have a relationship," he said to me as I leaned in for a kiss.

"I know, I said," and leaned in for one anyway.

And that's how our agreement came about.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said.

"I won't get hurt if I know that this is all there'll be. It's when I don't know what's going on that I get hurt," I replied. "We can just take it as it comes, we're not exclusive, I'm not expecting you to get over your girlfriend. I can still hook up with a guy in town if I want to, as can you. If we meet someone, this stops. If one of us starts getting hurt, then it stops, no questions asked."

He agreed to the rules, and so now we're lovers, or friends with benefits, or fuck buddies (without the fucking - for now). Whatever you choose to call it. We actually lay in bed and talked about his ex - and it was nice. I expected to be jealous, but I wasn't at all. I did ask him if he was imagining her when we were together, and he looked at me, horrified.

"No! That would be really weird!"

"I was just checking!"

I stayed in his room last night, which was a bad idea because Derek and two other friends live in the same pod as him, so we had to be very, very  quiet. That proved to be a challenge when we got too carried away and he had to go to the bathroom to change his pants. I set my alarm to sneak out and back up to my room at 4am, which turned into 4.10, 4.15... it was 4.30 by the time I finally left. It had been a good night. When I was trying to put my top back on he lifted me up and pulled me into his lap faster than I could think, and then as I was trying to escape he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist with no strain whatsoever.

Yes, I realise this could end badly, and the chances of me being hurt are relatively high. But hey, you only live once.

Getting Over It.

It didn't take me long to get over Kip. In a way I think it's good that we didn't get together, because I suspect if it had happened, he might have liked me more than I would have liked him, because it had been him who had made the first moves in the beginning. But maybe not.

Two of our friends have gotten together. They got together Monday night, and told us yesterday. Three of us are a bit cynical. Joe got out of a two year relationship just over a month ago, and Sophie got still talks about her ex. We think that she likes him a lot more than he likes her, and that she's going to become very possessive of him. Derek's bet is that it will last just a month. Mine is that it will last two, but it will end on Joe's terms, and Sophie will be heartbroken. I realise this sounds very hypocritical of me. I'm not stupid, but if it had been Kip and I, we would have gone about it differently. 

On another little side note, last night in town Derek said I was one of his best friends here and that made me feel very special. I know he said 'one of,' but it's still nice to hear something like that.

Leading Me On.

You know, for once I thought I was going to be the girl who walked down the street holding hands. The girl who had a smile on her face, because she had a gorgeous guy on her arm. The one who was in that annoying 'I have a guy and I want you to have one too because I'm so happy' bracket.

Instead, I'm back to being the girl who guys don't seem to want in that way. Kip went funny on me on Sunday night when we were texting, just a slight shift in the way he was texting, but I noticed. Then yesterday when I got back I noticed that he wasn't exactly making an effort for us to be alone. So I went to bed, and texted him.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. Why's that?"

"Dunno. I must just be in a strange mood. You can come in if you like, after you've escaped from Joe's room."

"Ok. Uhm I'm going to tell you now though that I'm not ready for a relationship cause I can't seem to get over my ex still."

So you texted me ALL holidays acting as though we were going to be something, when you KNEW the WHOLE FUCKING TIME that we were never going to be anything? Jeez. Thanks for leading me on, jackass.

He did come into my room. He apologised, said that it was "nothing to do with you." Funnily enough, that doesn't make me feel any better.

I know I was worried about my true feelings for him, and Joe made me think that maybe I only like him because he liked me, but I'm still hurt. I can see I'm never going to get to be 'that' girl, only ever the friend.

Home Soon.

Well, I head back to the hostel tomorrow. Thank God! I'm so homesick for it, and I'm the only one from my group not back. Last night they all went to town, and boy did they go to town! I've been hearing gossip all day. One friend hooked up with a girl on the second floor, while another one brought a girl back to his room and still hasn't emerged. And then Kip's brother was very cosy with a girl that no one likes... except him, apparently. I was so sad that I missed it all!

I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, but I'm also kind of worried. I'm worried about Kip and I, because I worry that maybe I don't actually like him. I think I do -I think about him all the time, and when I get a text from him I smile, but I don't get that crazy feeling inside my tummy. I hope it's just because I have him, so I don't need that excited "oh my God, he texted me," feeling. I hope so at least.

In other news, I'm thinking of becoming a columnist. Or a film critic. Ah, university. I love how it opens your mind to new career opportunities.

The Virgin Talk

This is a little out of order, seeing as I had the virgin talk with Kip at least two weeks ago. I already briefly mentioned the talk we had, but I thought I'd go into more detail because it was quite a sweet moment.

It had been the usual night. A group of us had been watching Twilight in my room, and slowly they all began to disperse after until finally it was just us two. He was sitting on my bed, which had been turned into a couch for the night's screening, and I was leaning against my desk. I smiled at him and walked over to him, and as always, we slowly began to kiss. Soon I had my legs wrapped around him, and he was holding me up, stopping me from falling off the bed.

Later we were lying quietly, his hand around my waist and I was secure against him. I realised that I needed to tell him that I was a virgin, just so he was 'aware' of it before we got into a proper relationship. I didn't think he'd care, but I thought he had a right to know.

Thing is, I couldn't say it. It seemed to strange a thing to say aloud. I sighed, and snuggled closer to him. Then I sighed again.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just..." I faded out and sighed again. His grip tightened around me and he kissed the back of his neck,

"What is it?" I buried my face in the pillow and sighed again,

"It's embarrassing." His lips returned to the back of my neck and he rocked me softly,

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I do want to tell you, it's just embarrassing."

"It can't be that embarrassing."

"It's just that... You should know that... I'm not... I haven't..."

"Oh. I think I know what you're trying to say,"

"You do?"

"You're not... you haven't... gone all the way before." I sighed in relief that I didn't have to say it.

"Yeah..."

"Well to tell you the truth, neither have I." My whole body relaxed, but I was also surprised. He'd told me he hadn't had much experience with girls, but he seemed to know what he was doing when we were in bed. I rolled over to face him.

"Really?" I asked, and he nodded.

"So don't be embarrassed, because if you're embarrassed, then I'll be embarrassed," he said, and I smiled. I snuggled into his chest and lay there for a bit.

"So it doesn't matter?"

"Why would it matter?"

"It does to some guys,"

"I know. But not to me."

I Want You.

I want you to smile when you see me again. It's been two long weeks of flirtatious text messaging, and I don't think I can wait to see you much longer.

When I slip into your room, I want you to pick me up. I want to wrap my legs around your hips and kiss your lips quickly, and then smile at you. I'm going to push myself up against you. I'm going to kiss your neck, your jawbone, your cheek bone, your nose. You will take me over to your bed and lie me down with a smile on your face.

You will kiss me, and you will bite my bottom lip. I want your rough side to come out and play with me. 

Your hands will roam, but I know you won't have the confidence to make the first move, so I'll reach for your t-shirt, which you will pull over your head, barely breaking my kiss. You will throw it with careless abandon on the floor. Then, you'll move for my clothes. I'll make it easy for you, I promise. I'll wear a little dress that you only have to pull over my head to expose my new, lacy pink bra that I got especially for you to see me in.

You'll push yourself up against me and breath heavily. And that's when I'll stop you.

"It's dinner time," I'll say. I'll smile and roll out from under you, slip my dress back on and tidy my hair.

"But don't think you're getting any sleep tonight.

Take Me Home.

I'm back at my house, and I want to go back to my dorm so badly, even though I know all my friends aren't there. I call my dorm home, and that's where my heart is.

My older sister hates my presence here, and isn't afraid to show it. That's ok, bitch, you're the reason I moved away. I thought that I would love being home, and although I do enjoy the home cooked meals and gossiping with Mum, it's a small sacrifice to pay for having a fantastic time in a different city.

Moving out really was the best decision I ever made. It's lead me to a new, happier me.

My Degree

I'm doing what Americans call a 'liberal arts degree.' Here, it's called a 'bachelor of arts.' Not really knowing what I want to do with my life, I've decided that three years on a 'bugger all' degree might give me some ideas.

Because it's the arts, I'm doing english, history, theatre studies and media studies.  A lot of my papers revolve around film, and it's made me more interested in film reviews, so maybe that's a path I might think about heading down. I love university, it's the best time of my life and moving away from home has been the best decision I ever made.

I know that's basic, but I'm supposed to be writing an essay, when all I want to do is drive to the next city to see Kip.