Not Quite Official.

I am so bad at updating this! I used to update nearly every day, and now I'm barely managing once a week. I guess I've just been busy having so much fun as a uni student.

So, Kip and I. We talked, and we're not official. Yet. We're going to wait until after the mid-semester break, just to check that it is what we want (pathetic, I know). Then after the holidays, we're going to take it slow, and keep our relationship on the down low. In saying that, I've already talked about it with heaps of my friends in my hometown, but they don't know him, so I figure it doesn't count.

I love holding hands with him. He rubs his thumb over mine and it's so nice. And his kisses are so lovely.

What To Do?

I no longer have any interest in Derek. He's great, but only as a friend. My attentions have turn to - yup, you guessed it - Kip. 

He was fine with me when he came back from his trip home, we've been flirting a bit since, and I find myself spending copious amounts of time in his room.

But, I've already fucked things up between us, and I don't know if we could work things out. I also don't know about 'screwing the crew.' If it goes wrong, it could stuff up everything, and I still have to live with him for another 32 weeks or so.

What to do?

Attack of the Bitch

I don't know if there's a bigger bitch than me on this Earth right now. I broke Kip's heart, all because I couldn't control myself.

On Tuesday night, Kip came into my room, and as we were talking on my bed, we slowly began to drift off. I placed my hand on his face and began to stroke it, and soon, we were kissing slowly, then faster and more passionately until we were grinding on each other through our clothes. Yes, this happened after he'd told me he liked me. I should have stayed away. I should know better than to mess with someone's feelings like that.

Should, but don't.

After we'd... finished, I apologised to him. "I'm so sorry, Kip," I whispered. He turned and looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "don't worry about it." We were fine the next morning. Fine until he came into my room and it happened again. We'd been sitting in silence for awhile when I sighed quietly. Kip came over and wrapped his arms around me,

"What's wrong?"

"I thought I knew what I wanted, but after last night I'm not so sure."

"You like Derek, and that's OK," He told me.

"I know... but right now I really want to kiss you again."

And then it happened again. Right before it did, he said to me,

"I don't know if we should be doing this," and he was right. We shouldn't have. It was more intense than Tuesday, and it was also when I broke his heart.

He was lying on top of me, and we'd been kissing for awhile when my brain suddenly decided to turn back on.

"This can't mean anything,"I whispered, and he froze. Suddenly it was time for him to leave. He sat up and put his shirt back on. He seemed a bit distant, but not too upset. I gave him a hug and he left.

And then I spent last night comforting him in my room while he cried over me. He'd come into my room, and I was surprised and glad, because he'd been hardly talking to me all day.

"I just want to know why you did that to me." I couldn't answer. He sat down on my bed, and I was silent, trying to think of an answer for him.

"I think.... I think it's because I'm a massive bitch, who thinks with her heart and not with her head, and therefore don't realise the consequences of something until it's too late."

Then there was silence, except for his tears.

"I think maybe I was confused, and maybe I thought that it was what I wanted, but then I realised far too late that it wasn't. And you didn't deserve that, you're still trying to get over your ex, and I shouldn't have messed with your feelings like that. It was wrong of me."

A nod, and then silence.

"I did mean it when I said I'm sorry... Can we be friends?"

"I'll try."

Silence.

More silence.

"I didn't realise how much I'd hurt you."

"That's because I was trying to hide it."

"You shouldn't have."

We sat quietly for awhile, me rubbing his back in some sort of feeble attempt to make him feel better, and him purposely not looking at me.

"I don't deserve your tears, Kip. You're far too good for me, and I can promise you I'm not worth it, I can promise you that."

Soon I sent him to bed with my teddy bear to cuddle.

"You will feel so much better in the morning when you wake up and see me for what I really am." He nodded, and left.

He's going home this weekend, so hopefully when he comes back tomorrow evening, he'll have realised that there's obviously a reason I only have guy mates, and never boyfriends, and we can get back to being that. 

Although I'm horrified that I've hurt him so badly, there is a part of me that wished he'd man up about it. I've realised that I can't handle sensitive guys. I'd rather he told me I was a bitch for messing with his feelings, rather than having him sulk and cry about it. 

But I do wish I hadn't hurt him.

What A Weekend.

What a weekend. Eight of us went away to my bach for the weekend to escape the tedium of living in the student dorms (who am I kidding? It's never tedious).

Friday night we got "on the rip" - or drunk to those who don't understand my new lingo. We played drinking games and then ran wildly around on the beach. A group of us sprawled out on the sand, all lying on one another, and then slowly everyone began to fade off. Maybe they got too cold, or maybe the glow of the distant township down the beach appealed as they ran off towards it, but suddenly there was only Derek and I. Surprise surprise, we hooked up. Then almost instantly afterwards he said exactly what he'd texted me earlier on in the week. Way to make a girl feel special.

I had a bit of a mind blank, and then Kip was beside me, and I must have looked pretty upset so he gave me a cuddle, and I cried into his shoulder. I ended up sleeping on his bed with him because my emotions appeared to have got the best of me. Kip's such a sweet guy and just wants to make you feel better.

The next day things were fine. Nothing was awkward between Derek and I, which was great. Everyone chilled out for the day, and then we spent $75 on fish and chips for dinner. Needless to say, we could not eat it all, even with five boys. The night wore on and everyone called it quits pretty early, still tired from the previous night. I went into Kip and I's room, and saw that he was visibly upset about something. I lay down on his bed and we talked it out, and once again I fell asleep on his bed. I didn't want him to feel alone when he'd made me feel better the night before.

Today... well, today was a big day. We drove back from the beach, and I was in a car with Derek and two other boys. On the way, Derek said,

"You know Kip likes you, don't you?"

I denied it, because I truly believe that he didn't. Then this afternoon, him and Joe were making comments about it being a love triangle between us three. Needless to say, I did not find the jokes very funny. Soon after they started, the jokes weren't funny anymore and I left and hung around with my girlfriend Manda. The boys soon realised they'd upset me, and once I went to bed Derek came and sat on my bed and we had a good talk about how I didn't find the love triangle joke funny, especially as I didn't believe that Kip liked me. I said to him that no one likes me like that, and he said,

"What do you mean no one likes you like that? I did, but it's that whole, 'you don't screw the crew' thing. I just wanted to be mates."

"That's what I'm saying, I'm not girlfriend material. I'm always just a mate."

"That's because you're like, the ultimate chick friend." Not helping, thanks.

After he left, and we'd sorted out our stuff, Kip came to check on me.

"I saw Derek leaving, so I wanted to check that you were ok." I thanked him for being such a good friend, and told him to pull up some sheet on my bed. I gave him a friendly hug and we began to fall asleep again. We were facing each other, and slowly I felt his face get closer. I didn't think anything of it because I was drifting towards the land of nod, but soon I felt his lips on mine. He kissed me twice, two definite kisses, before I rolled away. He left soon after, and apologised as he went. I told him it was ok, and then about five minutes after he'd gone, he sent me a text,

"Sorry, that was really stupid of me. I made things worse for you. I'm really, really sorry." Having no credit, I didn't reply. I got another one about two minutes later.

"I feel like a complete asshole, I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I feel so bad now. And I'm really sorry!"

I know he's sorry. I just raced down stairs and into his room to tell him that it was ok. My only issue (aside from the obvious ones) is that Derek was right. There is a love triangle.

Happy Birthday, Isaiah

Today I made a move with reestablishing contact with Isaiah. I haven't texted him or anything, but I posted a birthday card, as he turns 18 on Friday. I carried the envelope around in my hand for what felt like forever, debating whether I should send it or not. It's not as if the card said anything dramatic or offensive. Just a simple,

"Happy 18th Birthday. Hope you can make the most of it. XXX, Six (I nearly wrote my real name then *panic*."

Why did it take me so long to send? I guess I'm scared as to what will result from it. I'm worried that he'll text me, and I'll fall in love all over again- although I think I've already changed a lot from being here so don't think I will. I'm also worried that he won't acknowledge me. Again. That would piss me off more than anything. He doesn't have to say a lot, just "thanks for the card," will do nicely.

I'm pissed off already thinking about him not talking to me, which I know he won't.

Another Short Note.

It's so hard trying to keep up with posting when you're having the time of your life.

I'm loving pretty much every second of uni, but most of all I'm loving living with a whole bunch of brand new awesome friends. I've been on 2.30am runs to the pie shop, stayed in someone else's bed just to piss them off and spent hours watching boys play card games. Every moment counts, and every moment is fantastic.

I don't really have any distinctive stories at the moment, though. I'm too busy focussing on 'now' to sit back and say, 'this'd make an excellent post.' I will get onto things soon, though, promise.

The End of O Week

I am having such a fantastic time here. I am so glad that I decided to be brave and move into the unknown- I think it's the best decision I've ever made. I have a great group of friends already, and I can pretty much do whatever I want, when I want.

I've been out to town almost every night. I'm exhausted now, and I'm actually kind of glad that O Week is over. Last night our group spent most of the night in a Karaoke bar where the shots were only $3. We then went for a wander round the town, and saw a very fancy hotel. Derek, Scotty and I decided to go in and go to the top floor. Once reaching the top, we had a look round, and then I waltzed with Derek, because according to him, that's what you do in a fancy hotel. The receptionist gave us free pens to prove that we went.

Next week we're all heading to my bach - all ten of us. We're going to spend most of the time drinking and having an awesome time. I'm so excited!

O Week Continues...

Goodness, this could be the longest I've gone without posting. Well, maybe not. But it has been a little while. I've just been really busy adjusting to moving out and partying it up at university!

I'm having an excellent time, and I've made heaps of friends in my dorm. The only weird thing so far is the relationship between me and this guy called Derek. We're very good mates, but the other night he texted me after I'd left his room for the night saying, "I don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, just real good mates, ok?" I texted back saying that it was all I expected, but I still found it a bit odd.

The parties here are great. I've already taken part in a costume party, a foam party, a beach and a beerfest. Tonight is a toga party and we get to march from campus to the local. O Week here is pretty much the most fun and exciting event I've ever taken part in.

I'll try not to leave posting so long again. I do have a post in my head, but it's just a matter of finding the time to post it, because I spend most of my time in other people's rooms.