She's Been Through Too Much

It's been awhile, and this isn't necessarily a re-beginning, but it's somewhere that I feel safe coming to write this all down. Someone said writing it would help me, whether anyone reads it or not, so here I am, despite having ended this blog a little while ago now.

Basically, I'm going to write everything that's happened and hope that it helps to clear the thoughts that are blocking out my mind.

I met the Comedian (although he is not what this story is about tonight) at an event I went to. Realising I knew his father, I decided to introduce myself. I took a liking to him, and we ended up meeting up in town later that night. I spent the night in his hotel room, and it was supposed to just be a fabulous one nighter that marked the end of Jake and a new beginning. However, we had a connection, and for a couple of months, tried to make it work. I was travelling regulary back to my home city where he lived to stay with him. It soon became apparent that it was just not going to work between us. He couldn't commit to a relationship when his career was so crazy, especially one that was long distance. I was happy with that, because it was getting annoying wondering when I was going to see him next. We ended it mutually, which was cool because we could still be friends.

I turned twenty last week, and went home to celebrate. Before I returned though, my little sister texted me, asking if she could go on a contraceptive. I tried to convince her not to, because it's quite a commitment. The reason, she finally confessed to me, was that she had been raped at a party she went to. She wanted to go on it so that if it ever happened again, at least she would be safe from pregnancy. I can't believe this has happened to her. She told me they were drunk, and although she had wanted to give him a blow job, she hadn't wanted to have sex with him, but he pushed her into the bushes and got inside her for a bit. It hurts me so much that another man has hurt her so badly. Her last boy was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She's only just begun to admit to us the truth of how he treated her, although we'd always had our fears. And now this? Although I know that this happened in circumstances beyond my control, I cannot help but be wrenched with guilt at not being able to protect my little sister. She is so strong and has already been through so much. I'm incredibly scared that something else might destroy her.

I went up to my hometown with my best friend. We went shopping and then checked into our hotel. Some of my friends from high school joined us, where we proceeded to get awfully drunk. It's my birthday, I'm allowed. The Comedian joined us in a bar with his friend and we hung out for awhile. Not remembering how it happened, he ended up coming back with me to our room, where we proceeded to have drunk sex in the shower and then snuggled on the fold out bed. I went to his show the next night, and then the night after went to his house for a snuggle. It was nice, but I'm not trying to kid myself into thinking we're back into a relationship.

The day I had to return to my flat, I cried and cried to my mother. I hate it there, I told her. She said to me that it's only gotten bad since Jake and I finished. Although I'm over him, there is still a connection to him because of the time we spent together. She told me only time would heal it. I cried the whole drive back, over that, and over what happened to my sister.

I cannot stop thinking about what happened to her. I'm not sure why, but it's consuming me. I don't understand why it has me so upset, but it's triggered something inside me. I feel on the verge of tears a lot now. Seeing sad things on the television is enough to bring tears to my eyes, when normally I would just say "oh that's sad." I feel guilty that I can't protect her, that I can't stop people from hurting her. If this could have happened to me instead, then I wish it had. I don't want her to feel pain.

The End

So, as we can see, I haven't updated in awhile.

This is because I no longer feel like it. I realise I had stopped being truly honest with my blog, because I was scared that people would judge me, therefore defeating the purpose of a blog.

For example, I don't think I ever told my readers that Jake told me that he would no longer find me attractive if I put on weight. That he often made me feel like I was in the wrong, when I'd never even done anything.

This blog has been so much fun, and I have loved it. I have grown up through it, and it's been my diary over the past few years. In a way I'm sad that it has to end, but I don't enjoy it like I used to.

I feel good about myself now. I've felt better about myself than I have in a long time.

I am seeing someone - the guy I had the one night stand with, guess it wasn't so one nighter after all. I'm taking it slowly and casually, not willing to leap into anything too serious.

I hope you have all enjoyed reading my blog. I'll be twenty in about a month, so I think now is a good time to end it, considering I started it just before I turned seventeen.

Thanks for reading, I wish you all great happiness in the future.

Email arguments with Jake.

I am fabulous.

My first one night stand.

All coming up... when I can be bothered, and get the time to do so.

The Return to Me-ness.

I've realised he isn't worth my tears.

After this breakup I have been humiliated and hurt.

But not anymore. I'm ditching the antidepressants that I got put on. I can do this on my own.

In a few weeks, I'm going to go on my own personal spiritual retreat. A book, some good movies, good food, and a notebook to write everything down.

I will be whole again.

Tell Me...

Tell me the tale of your first heartbreak. Tell me how you felt. Tell me how it happened, tell me why it happened.

Tell me how you learned to let go and become yourself again, to accept who you are without them.

Tell me so I can learn.

Roller Coaster Ride - LET ME OFF!

I'm doing well, and then I'm doing bad. It's an up and down crazy roller coaster ride and I just want to get off of it and be normal again.

Yesterday morning I had some form of a panic attack. I went to the campus nurses who booked me in to see the doctor. She thinks I have a case of mild reactive depression, which is okay for the moment because I'm still in the time frame for feeling like shit. But if I'm still like this a month down the track, then maybe we need to think about medication. I had blood tests taken to see if my iron levels were still normal because I haven't been able to eat properly since we broke up.

Last night I got served by the girl he's... whatever he's doing with her. I was really cool, calm and collected and I felt so proud of myself. I thought I was on the road to recovery, nearly ready to be friends again.

Today I went to the gym and haven't been able to control myself since. I miss him so much, and there's this big void he was that I'm trying to fill up. It's hard because I know his void (if there even was one) has been filled with another girl while my heart is still broken. Not only did I lose the man that I loved but I also lost my best guy-friend. I can't wait for the day where we can be friends again, but maybe it's further off than I thought.

I looked in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I don't like me anymore. I want to be fixed.

Putting up a Wall

I can feel myself putting up walls. I've been so hurt that I don't want to be hurt again, and I'm scared to let anyone in.

But it's not just that... Jake was my first in pretty much all senses of the word. I'm scared of sleeping with another guy, having sex with another... seeing a different one naked. It's weird but I am. I'm scared. I've become so used to him that I don't know how other guys function.

I'm scared of feeling like this again. I feel humiliated and heartbroken, and it's something I don't want to feel...

So. In October I am going to do the 10k run in the city's annual race. They have a half marathon option... but 22ks is a really long run. I'm going to train for it and run it to prove to myself that I only need me. I have 55 days to train and I'm determined.

I'm also going to get my nose pierced, because I've always wanted to do it, and why not do it now?

I Miss Snuggling

And that's all I really have to say :(

Epiphany

I came to a realisation today.

That he's really hurt me. He had a right to move on, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Even if he was to come back, which I know he's not going to, I couldn't take him back. I no longer love him like I used to. I need to just focus on myself now. I'm ready to heal.

It took me a very blunt text from him that was quite harsh to make me realise that things would never be the same again. I no longer hold any hard feelings for him (for her... yeah. But that's another story). Our time together was good, and I don't want to ruin the memory of him with hate. Down the track we can be friends again.

But for now, I will just focus on me.

He's moved on to another girl.

Oh sorry, he's moved back to a girl.

The girl he broke up with for me.

That fucking bastard.

I hate him.

I know he is allowed to. But I thought he would have more respect than that. And to go to her of all people.

I guess I deserve it. He did cheat on her with me. Karma.

And the Bottle goes SMASH

Last night I did something incredibly satisfying. A physicalization of my anger, hurt and heartbreak.

As I was driving home from work, I grabbed an empty wine bottle. Then I did a drive by, and threw it out my car window and onto his driveway.

It shattered into what sounded like a million pieces, just like when my heart shattered. But this felt good. I felt so rebellious as I sped off.

It was a good release of pain. My heart was beating wildly and I can still hear the shattering in my head.

But does this make me a crazy ex now?

Does he miss me at all?

Does he ever wish I was sleeping beside him?

I miss little things, like his tracksuit pants. Being able to snuggle into him in the morning.

God it hurts.

Empty

It's nearly been a month and the wound is still fresh and open as if my heart was cut out only yesterday.

I miss him so much.

And I keep making a fool of myself through drunk texts.

I just want to see him again, be held by him again. Loved by him again.

I saw a counsellor who helped me a lot. Seeing her again on Thursday because I cannot get through this on my own. I cannot handle this constant emptiness that I feel on my own.

I don't think he's going to come back for me.

And that hurts.

Whoops?

We talked for over two hours online.

I went round to his house and we talked some more.

Then we kissed and talked. He said he just needed time. And if and when he was ready come for me, "and I will fight for you." I said I couldn't wait when he didn't know how much time it would take, and if he wouldn't be sure. He said he didn't expect me to wait. But now I'm hopeful again. Yes I know it's bad.

Then we had sex... but it felt like making love. But I cried afterwards. He was lovely, "baby, baby it's ok. Don't think about it." I stayed the night.

Yes, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it will fix things. It probably won't.

No more to say.

I Done a Bad Thing...

And took a massive step backwards.

Sense of Relief?

His number is finally gone from my phone. I felt half sad, half relived when it was gone, but as each day goes by (i.e all two of them) and I can't text him, I feel a lot stronger. It's also satisfying to think that he's probably noticed me not texting him, and I'd like to think he's a little bit sad about it.

When I still had his number, I'd asked him to bring around a dvd of mine that I'd forgotten to get when I first went round. I just went around to get it, and was really relieved to see that he wasn't there. I left him a note:

"It's obviously too difficult for you to bring my stuff round, so I came round to get it myself to save you the hassle of having to see me. Also, I took my condoms back. It may seem petty but the thought of you using them with number eleven when I bought them for us to make love with doesn't enthrall me. - Six"

I was impressed with myself. Sure, the condom comment didn't really need to be made, but I didn't beg him to take me back. I didn't tell him I missed him. It was blunt and kind of rude, but not directly rude. I felt relieved.

I was also pleased to see when I was in his room that my birthday card was still there, and the sippy cup he'd bought for me on our first date that I'd subsequently returned was still sitting on his desk. I was tempted to snoop around a bit further but managed to restrain myself.

Yes, I do hope he gets into contact about it, but I know he won't. I don't mind, I feel relieved.

In a Happy Place?

I wrote this a couple of hours ago. Writing it down made me feel better, and I no longer feel like how I describe. For now, anyway.

Tonight the pain is unbearable. I'm in so much pain that I have a suicide prevention number saved in my phone, and beside me a box of sinus painkillers where it tells me that in case of an overdose, go straight to the hospital. I forgot the cooking wine from the pantry, though, which is probably going to save my life tonight.

Why is tonight so hard for me? Why do I want to die tonight? I'm not a hundred percent sure. Today would have been eleven months for us, but I felt fine this morning. It wasn't until my last class that I started to deteriorate. I texted him. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. A big long text message. I asked if he missed me. His reply cut me,

"I do miss you. Not enough to get like you, but I do. It is different without you but I adjust."

If he misses me, why can't he take me back? I know I'm going to get over this, but right now it hurts more than I can describe. I asked if he would come and see me, but of course he wouldn't. I miss him so much. I just want to be held by hi, to be loved by him. I miss waking up next to him. The space under his arm where I fit perfectly. How he used to snuggle me when he would come into my room late at night.

I ran away tonight. I'm at my happy place. He's the only one who knows where it is, if he can remember. I won't stay out here too long. But here I can cry all I like without disturbing anyone. Here I can ring the hot line without anyone hearing. Here I can end it all without anyone stopping me.

Doing Ok.

I'm doing ok. I wouldn't say crap, I wouldn't say great.

I'm hurting really bad. For a start, I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. Then Jake did, but now that he's fallen out of love with me, I'm scared that no one will again. I cried in the car today. But I don't cry all the time, nor am I sad all the time. So after two weeks, I think I'm doing ok.

I'm not eating my sorrows away like everyone is telling me not to. I don't desire to gorge on food. I'm more determined than ever to keep going to the gym and keep looking fantastic because I want him to know that he missed out on me. I don't want him to see me letting myself go. I won't go down that road.

Things I will miss about Being in a Relationship (not what I will miss about Him.)

• Sleeping beside someone
• Snuggles in the morning, and at night
• Regular sex
• Feeling loved and secure
• Being made to feel beautiful
• The fun
• Knowing that I had someone.

No Tears Today

I'm actually doing ok today, believe it or not. I'm not happy, but I'm not crying (haven't cried once today) and I feel like maybe one day, things will be ok.

Why did Jake break my heart? I'm not really sure. He said that he loved me, but it's not in the way he used to and he can't go on anymore. He's got so much on his plate right now and he can't handle a relationship, especially one where his feelings have changed. There is nothing I did, nothing went wrong in the relationship. He just changed, and there's nothing I could do about it. I asked him if I should wait around for something that may or may not happen, and he told me that it would be selfish of him to ask me to wait when he doesn't know how he feels. I took that to mean "move on, it's over forever," but there is still a part of me that hopes we can fix this.

It hurts to know that he will never sleep beside me again, that I will never kiss his lips again. The movies we planned on seeing together I will now have to see with someone else, and the restaurants we wanted to try will have to be tried with someone else, or alone.

Tomorrow I'm taking his stuff back, plus a few things he gave me that I don't want because they hold to much meaning. I wrote him a letter that thanks him for all the good times we shared over the past ten-and-a-bit months, but I'm not sure if I'll give it to him, because I don't want to seem like I'm begging for him to take me back (which I'm not), but I don't want him to forget me.

I will never forget him, because he was my first almost everything.

Pain

I thought that heartbreak would be a full body ache, but turns out it's not. It's all in my head and I can't get it out. I'm in so much pain that I want to physicalize it just so I can feel something.

My younger sister has come down to stay with me for a couple of days to keep me distracted, which is great. When she's gone I'll blog about what happened. Not that I really know. My lack of understanding of 'why' only makes the pain more unbearable. I just hope that soon he wakes up and realises what a fool he was, and how much he needs me in his life

The worst part is at night, when the thoughts of us ravage my brain, and in the morning when I wake up and go to text him, and then realise that I shouldn't.

I don't want to wake up.

Broken Hearts

Jake broke up with me. I hope you're all happy, you were right, it didn't last.

My heart is broken into a million and one pieces.

Suspenders and Making Love

Last night I played the role of the seductress. I took Jake out to dinner so that the both of us could celebrate the end of exams - I finished that morning, he in the afternoon. The dinner was lovely, I had a combination of lamb sausages and a lamb steak, he had his usual, the scotch fillet.

What else was lovely was the underwear I was wearing underneath the black, figure hugging dress I had on - which got me a well deserved "you look very beautiful tonight." The underwear - a white lacy bra and a g-string with a little skirt and suspenders was not the most comfortable of underwear, but I'd been wanting to try out the idea for awhile now, and it was only $20.

When we got home I got out of the black dress and wrapped on a kimono, and then slowly undressed myself for him, and needless to say it was quite the turn on for him. I got on top of him as he admired the underwear - he wanted me to leave the stockings on, which I happily did.

Last night we made love, and it was wonderful. And yes, we actually made love. I know the difference between just having sex and making love. It was slow, sensual and passionate and it felt like our bodies were one. There was no race to finish and we took our time. It was a wonderful end to a wonderful evening.

Dream Kitchen

I know many will balk at my dreams of becoming a domestic goddess, but lately all I can think about is my dream kitchen. A large, homely kitchen in which my baking creations and dinner masterpieces will come to life. A preparation bench in the middle of the kitchen with granite tops. An oven and a grill, and a separate stovetop. A large pantry, and a set of shelves to store jars of spices. After seeing Carrie and Miranda buying spices in the second Sex and the City Movie, I imagined how cool it would be to have jars of spices and dried herbs on display. I love to put extra things in my foods, so as well as being pretty, they'd be practical, too.

P.S. I bought some chocolate body paint the other day. I will tell you about my experiences with it once I test it out!

So I haven't posted in awhile, it's crunch time. I'm pretending to study for exams, so blogs haven't been at the forefront of my mind lately.

Go see the A Team. It was a fun movie.

That is all.

Me and My Body

Wow! I wasn't aware that my post would create so much discussion. It's always interesting to hear what other people think. To the anonymous reader who suggested I switch to Mac - did it years ago, and once you go Mac, you never go back.

Before I get on to today's post, I just want to tell you all that my current plan is to head over to Africa at the end of 2011 for just under a month to celebrate my 21st birthday. That is if I can get the $12,000 it's going to cost me together in time.

Today I realised that I am happy with how I look. I've never been one of those people who's been dissatisfied, but today I realised that I'm truly happy with my body. I go to the gym, and the work I put in paid off. I've trimmed weight of my thighs and stomach, and so I'm really confident with wearing pretty much whatever I want.

Our university magazine has started putting pictures of a "babe" each week. Last week was a gorgeous girl in her underwear. When I commented that I thought it was derogatory and just made the uni mag look like FHM, someone said I was jealous.

"Well no, I'm not," I thought to myself. My body is just as good as hers, and I'll pose for Jake in my underwear and less, but I won't do it for anyone else (other than for the internet, where I'm anonymous but you know what I'm getting at here), because it's something that's sacred, and I don't believe that you should take all your clothes off for the whole university campus to see.

As Good As It Gets?

What if this is it for me?

What if all I ever am is a high achiever who never goes out and is generally boring? What if that's me for the rest of my life? I'm young and I'm supposed to be out living, but I'm not. I'm in my room doing work, or going to work. I don't really want to go out and have fun. I've become an old bag lady and I'm only nineteen.

Birthday

On Thursday it's Jake's birthday.

Say hello to his fantasy -a school teacher dressed in a pencil skirt and blouse, stay up fish net stockings and knee high boots.

Scars Revealed

Before I start this blog: no, the last one was not about Jake cheating on me. I was honestly talking about a friend. If he cheated, this is the first place I'd post.

Remember a long time ago when I cut myself? I'm trying to find the blog where I wrote about it, but can't. For those of you that haven't read this blog the whole way through, awhile ago I was feeling very down and out, and I cut myself. Four tiny cuts on the edge of my left arm. I only did it the once, and never told anybody about it.

Until today. Jake and I were watching Skins (he's addicted - I don't really enjoy it very much, too much drugs and sex for me). The episode was about one of the characters and her being manic depressive. She locked herself in the bathroom and sliced open her wrists. For some reason - even though I never went that far, and never felt that extreme - it got to me and I started tearing up. A lot. Jake looked at me, and once he did it was all over and I was sobbing. He paused the show and held me,

"Baby, baby what's wrong?" I was crying so much that I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe.

"Big breaths, Six, nice and slow. What's wrong?" Every time he asked me, I would start crying again. I felt stupid, but I couldn't help it. Eventually he figured it out.

"Please tell me you never did that to yourself." A single nod and the tears came pouring out again, but I managed to vaguely explain.

"Never like that. Only. Only once."

"You don't ever have to do that. You would leave so many people behind who care for you. Promise me you'll never do it again."

He wanted to know why. Most importantly, he wanted to know that I was happy now, that I didn't feel that way anymore.

I told him that he was the first person I told, and that no one else knew.

"I'm glad you told me, and no one else ever has to know. It can be a secret between the two of us." I nodded, crying at random intervals for the next couple of hours.

Telling him made me realise that I never really dealt with how I had been feeling at the time. Sure, I never wanted to actually take my own life, but I wasn't happy, and everything seemed to be against me. Telling him was the first release of it I've had.

Cheater?

What constitutes as cheating to you? If your girlfriend or boyfriend so much as looks at another, does that make you suspicious?

What about kissing? If you found out that your significant other had kissed someone that wasn't you, how would you feel?

And sex? If you found out that they'd slept with another, would that be the be all and end all, or would you work through it and overcome it?

My friend kissed another girl that wasn't his girlfriend. To me, this is cheating. It's not the worst kind of cheating, but it's still pretty bad. If I found out that Jake had done that to me, he'd have to do a lot of work to get our relationship back on track, and I think I'd always harbour suspicion. I spoke to Jake about it, and asked if he thought it was cheating, and he said that a kiss was hardly anything.

"So if I kissed another guy you wouldn't care?"

"No of course I would. I'd be really mad, but it wouldn't be the end of the world." I told him that he better not ever do that to me or else the trust in our relationship would be broken.

The worst kind of cheating to me though is emotional cheating. If they did it once, never again, you could forgive them. But to find out that they'd been having a continuous affair with the same person, that they actually cared about them? Heartbreaking.

What's your stance?

I came on here to post a blog, but promptly forgot what I was going to write about.

A Right to Happiness

My friend recently got into a relationship with a 29 year old man who lives in Australia. She is so happy with him, despite the age gap (she being just 19), that she is seriously considering moving to Australia next year to live with him.

Everyone is worried about the relationship, with him being so much older than her, settled into his life and obviously the distance between him. A lot of people have been trying to talk her out of such a relationship, encouraging her to find someone her own age and perhaps closer to home. I'm not going to deny that I too am worried about it. I worry that if she drops everything and move to Australia, something will go horribly wrong and she'll be all alone with no support.

Then I realised, who are we to impede on her happiness? She told me that she's never been so happy, and although at the moment the distance is annoying, she gets to go to Australia every holidays to see him, and he frequently flies over here (originally being a kiwi himself). If she's happy, why should we try and stop her? I've decided that I'll support her in what she wants to do, but I'm encouraging her to take it slow and not to rush into anything, which she has agreed - she too knows the risks.

She's not very happy in her flat, and I'd love to live with her next year, so I told her not to worry if she thinks moving to Australia is her only option, because it's not. She's well aware that every time they see each other, they're in holiday mode, and so she's planning on spending the summer over the ditch before she makes any decisions.

At the end of the day, I just want her to be happy, and if that happiness will come to her by moving to Australia, then good for her. I'll be here for her whether she moves or stays.

To Chop or Not to Chop?

For the past year, I've grown my hair own from a very short, Rihanna style haircut. However, now I'm thinking about chopping it all off again. This is my problem, I get sick of it short, but by the time I've grown it out again, I'm ready to get rid of it.

So, to chop or not to chop?

13 Year Old Boys

It's holidays at the moment - although with two assignments and a test to study for, it's hardly the holidays - and for the past week, I've been staying at Jake's because we were the only ones in each of our flats not returning home, so it made sense to combine for food and such. His little brother was also coming to stay, and he thought it would be cool if we could all hang out.

His little brother is 13. And was pretty darn annoying. He didn't help with the dishes, didn't even offer to help. Mostly, he played PlayStation. In fact, all he did was play PlayStation. I managed to get him to watch the news at 6 and then Family Guy, but after that, it was back to PlayStation. And then some more.

He'd get up early just to play it. Jake woke up early one morning to find him playing it. He sent him back to bed, where he promptly fell asleep for another couple of hours. Then he got up. And played some more.

Crazy.

I don't understand 13 year old boys.

It's not so much my lack of inspiration for this blog that's preventing me from posting, it's a lack of time. Work, uni, friends... it's all taking it's toll on this blog. Bare with me.

Mood Swings

I've been switching moods very rapidly lately, and I don't know why. I'm starting to wonder if something else might be wrong with me on a deeper level.

I'll be happy one minute, but then I'll get a text, or I'll realise that I have stuff I need to get done (nothing life threatening nor particularly urgent), and I'll lose that happiness. It's not extreme, I don't go from giddy happy to a crying wreck, but I do lose that happiness and start stressing about everything, and Jake says it's starting to get frustrating because my moods are so unpredictable.

Does anyone know how I can manage this?

Flatties

I'm putting this blog on probation. I'm going to keep posting, but if I'm still sick of it in a month, I shall write a final hurrah and let you all get back to your lives.

I've been flatting for over a month now, and it's getting to that point where the honeymoon period is starting to wear off and you become irritated at your flatties. There are two brothers who don't put their lunch and breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, and think that soaking and rinsing the electric frying pan is enough to clean it. Which obviously means that whoever uses it next has to clean it again. They also make the same dishes again and again. I've eaten sausages more times than I can count since having moved out. Seriously, it's not that hard to cook. Learn.

Then there's the girl who leaves the tv on when she leaves the room and no one else is home. In fact, she'll go to class and leave the tv on. I seem to be the only one with a concern about saving power. I'm all for leaving a couple of lights on for security when we go out, but seeing everyone leave their fans on all day while they're in class really pisses me off.

I'm sure I'm not perfect. In fact I know the brothers don't like me because I'm the only one willing to tell them to clean up after themselves. It would be nice to get a little support, but the other girl in the flat said that "you're the only one who's allowed to be a bitch." I don't want to be the bitch, and wouldn't be if other people would say things once in a while rather than just complaining when they're not around.

Advice, Please

I'm getting sick of this blog. I feel as though I've run out of things to write, and I suspect my readers are bored.

I need to know if anyone wants me to keep going or not.

Silk Scarves

Last night I tied Jake to the bed and teased him relentlessly with my body and tongue until I rode him into a state of ecstasy. Needless to say, it was a whole lot of fun for us both.

The last two times we've had sex, he's had the most amazing orgasms. He said that they're full body experiences, that they feel so good that it almost hurts. I must have developed a magic touch.

Wonderful Afternoon

Ok, I'm pretty low on blog topics at the moment. I know as soon as I post this, I'll get rude comments about Jake, but for my supporters out there, I wanted to share the lovely afternoon I had yesterday.

I was pretty hungover yesterday, and to make matters worse, there was a little accident involving a water bottle and my phone, which meant that the screen had stopped working. I had work at 5, and not being a car owner, I had to bus in, so I had no time for a nap.

I mentioned all of this to Jake, and he texted me back and said,

"I'll come over, you can have a nap and then I'll drop you at work." I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to and I didn't put up that much of a fight.

He turned up twenty minutes later with KFC in his hands, knowing that I was craving something fatty for the hangover. We ate, and then he held me in his arms as I had a nap. He rubbed my back as I snuggled against his warm body. He then woke me up and took me to work.

It wasn't much but his thoughtfulness was so wonderful, especially as we hadn't spent too much time together recently because we've been busy with setting our flats up and getting jobs. I was hungover as hell, but it was a wonderful afternoon.

I'm lazy with my updates because I'm not sure what to write about anymore.

The Durex Vibrating Ring

So, test drove this the other day with Jake. We were both curious about it, and when I saw them on special the other day, I bought one to try out.

It's a little rubber ring that you slip over your man's shaft, and it stretches to accommodate his size. The battery bit, the part that vibrates, needs to be facing up as to stimulate the clitoris, which I found a bit annoying because when we changed from missionary to doggy, I had to turn it around so it stimulated the right area. You hit the little purple button and you get 20 minutes of steady vibrations.

I enjoyed the ring, don't get me wrong, but I was a little disappointed with it. Jake enjoyed it, and thought it was a lot of fun. I was expecting it to make me climax a lot easier, but it didn't. I think this was because it was just a steady stream of vibrations, rather than constantly changing tempos or pulsating. This seemed to just numb me in a way, and after awhile it wasn't really doing anything.

Although it was fun, I don't think I'd rush out to buy it again in a hurry. Perhaps anyone can recommend other brands that pulsate or vibrate infrequently? It certainly changed up the bedroom activities, which perhaps was more exciting than the actual product itself. Has anyone else had a similar experience with these?

Home Alone

I'm home alone in this house for the first and probably last time. I want you to get your butt over here right now so we can shower together and make all the noise we like as we test out the vibrating ring I bought the other day and the studded condoms that it came with.

New Home

Goodness, I took my time posting, didn't I? My apologies. I've been really busy getting ready and then moving into my new FLAT!!

Imagine a run down, 1950's bungalow that's had a million students go through it. That's my flat. I'm living in the sleepout though, sharing it with one other person. It's quite a nice little room, and it's all MINE, which is great. I have a queen size bed, for the first time in my life, so it's all very exciting.

Now I just have to teach two useless boys to cook...

2011- The End?

I've been thinking about this blog, and how it cannot go on forever. I've been wondering now when an appropriate time to end it would be, and although I haven't been sixteen for awhile, I'm not ready to end it yet.

I think a good time to be end it will be at the end of next year, after my 21st birthday - traditionally the age where you supposedly enter adulthood.

Although things might change next year, this is my plan for now.

A Common Belief?

Once again, another day was spent people watching at work. Today - being a Sunday, I noticed all the people dressed nicely, wandering through the mall after church. It got me thinking about religion.

Jake is a New Apostolic Christian, my parents were -for awhile - regular Anglican church-goers. My older sister is an atheist, my little sister a Christian who reads the Bible, but doesn't agree with all it says.

What do I believe? I wouldn't describe myself as a Christian - I don't believe in all it's ideals, and I find it can be quite judgmental. However, I do believe in something, and I do hold some Christian ideals. I used to believe in reincarnation, but after the death of my Nana, I stopped. I don't imagine her as being reborn. I like to think of her in a better place - Heaven perhaps.

I don't think I believe in Hell. Instead, I think that if you don't deserve to go to this 'better place, you are simply dead. No afterlife for you. I believe that if overall, you live a good life - no murdering, raping, extortion, you donate to charity once in awhile etc - you will get to this 'better place.'

I don't believe that things like sex before marriage, having children out of wedlock and homosexuality will affect your chances. To me, these things are not signs of having lived a 'bad' life, just another life with different paths.

I live with the belief that if you do good things, good things will come to you, and I don't think that's a bad way to live my life.

2020: A Sixteen Secrets Odyssey

Sitting at work waiting for customers gives you plenty of time to think, and today as I sat watching the young and old, I began to think about where I see myself in ten years time.

The year will be 2020, and I will be 29 years old. By then, I will have graduated with a master's in history and a teaching diploma. Hopefully I will be teaching at a public school, and encouraging kids to fall in love with history like I did.

I would like to be married, and perhaps pregnant or looking to get pregnant with my first of two children. Ideally, my husband will earn enough for me to be a stay at home mother, or perhaps only working one or two days. My mother does not work, and hasn't since she had my sister. I value the time she gave us, and would love to be able to do the same for my children.

I will have travelled, and perhaps lived overseas for a year - most probably somewhere in Britain.

Most importantly, I want to be happy with where I am at life. I don't want to be the woman who dreads turning 30. I want to be able to embrace it and celebrate my life lived so far.

16 days until I move.

Woohoo!

Twink Incident

When I was in Year 10 (about 14 years old), I turned to the desk behind me and asked my friend if she had twink (or white-out, whatever you want to call it) that I could borrow.

"No sorry, I don't have any," she said. As she was doing so, her best friend - who was seated beside her slowly reached out and grabbed the twink that was sitting on her desk in front of her.

"Ok, thanks anyway," I said, and turned back around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her friend pretend to wipe her forehead with a relieved look on her face.

I never would have noticed if her friend hadn't reached out to hide the twink from me, and because of it, the incident has stayed in my head since.

I'm not sure of the relevance of this, but I felt like writing it down.

Sawg Retuns

"Holy hell, Six! Is that you?"

Sawg was clearly checking me out. We haven't seen each other since I moved back. As I pulled the sheets that covered the products in our store bag, I laughed.

"It's me, I just come and go as I please, now. It's great."

"High heels and all."

Yeah, that's right, Sawg. I moved away, went to uni, joined the gym and lost weight. You missed out, and I'm awesome.

Love Under the Stars

As we made love under a crystal clear night sky, he looked down at me and said,

"As I make love to you under these stars, just know that I have never loved anyone like this before."

Tears filled my eyes and I wrapped my arms around him tightly. Afterwards I kissed him and said,

"No one's ever said anything like that to me before."

"Well it's true. I want to make you happy."

"You do, and I'm the same - about you of course, not about me." He laughed at my sudden nervousness.

"I know."

It was the end to a perfect couple of weeks. I had gone to stay with Jake - six days of just us in his house. It was like we were living together, and I loved it. We wandered around naked or in our underwear, cooked together, watched 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' and showered together. I felt so at peace in fact, that on my last day with him I cried because I know the chances of us being together like that again for awhile are slim. Although we believe in a future together, he said that he wouldn't move in with a girl until he had put an engagement ring on her finger, something I understood and accepted, despite my suggestion that we move in together in 2011 if we end up spending every night with each other this year.

It's less than five weeks until I move out, and I cannot wait for the year ahead.

Holiday Time

I'm off to stay with my boyfriend tomorrow for the week (we have to house to ourselves, so we have to make the most of it), and then after that I'm on holiday with my family.

This means I won't be updating until I get back, but be sure to check in when I'm back for some juicy posts!