Remember a long time ago when I cut myself? I'm trying to find the blog where I wrote about it, but can't. For those of you that haven't read this blog the whole way through, awhile ago I was feeling very down and out, and I cut myself. Four tiny cuts on the edge of my left arm. I only did it the once, and never told anybody about it.
Until today. Jake and I were watching Skins (he's addicted - I don't really enjoy it very much, too much drugs and sex for me). The episode was about one of the characters and her being manic depressive. She locked herself in the bathroom and sliced open her wrists. For some reason - even though I never went that far, and never felt that extreme - it got to me and I started tearing up. A lot. Jake looked at me, and once he did it was all over and I was sobbing. He paused the show and held me,
"Baby, baby what's wrong?" I was crying so much that I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe.
"Big breaths, Six, nice and slow. What's wrong?" Every time he asked me, I would start crying again. I felt stupid, but I couldn't help it. Eventually he figured it out.
"Please tell me you never did that to yourself." A single nod and the tears came pouring out again, but I managed to vaguely explain.
"Never like that. Only. Only once."
"You don't ever have to do that. You would leave so many people behind who care for you. Promise me you'll never do it again."
He wanted to know why. Most importantly, he wanted to know that I was happy now, that I didn't feel that way anymore.
I told him that he was the first person I told, and that no one else knew.
"I'm glad you told me, and no one else ever has to know. It can be a secret between the two of us." I nodded, crying at random intervals for the next couple of hours.
Telling him made me realise that I never really dealt with how I had been feeling at the time. Sure, I never wanted to actually take my own life, but I wasn't happy, and everything seemed to be against me. Telling him was the first release of it I've had.
1 comment:
My sister, the most talented, involved, "together" outgoing of the three sisters went through many years of cutting herself. It started when she was 15 and lasted until she was 25. She has been acutely aware of environmental problems- whale killing, forest raping etc. since primary school. In all else she is strong, breakups etc. But when she became so upset with news about things like tar-sands bird deaths, polar bear loss and pain set in, she cut to feel the pain and alive. She finally got counselling and left it behind. Perhaps Google "self-injury" "cutting yourself". Once one has cut oneself one is a cutter and it will return - say for example when you and Jake eventually break up. e.g.
"It can be hard to understand why people cut themselves on purpose. Cutting is a way some people try to cope with the pain of strong emotions, intense pressure, or upsetting relationship problems. They may be dealing with feelings that seem too difficult to bear, or bad situations they think can't change.
"Some people cut because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings. People who cut may not know better ways to get relief from emotional pain or pressure. Some people cut to express strong feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, desperation, longing, or emptiness."
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