I don't think he's going to come back for me.

And that hurts.

Whoops?

We talked for over two hours online.

I went round to his house and we talked some more.

Then we kissed and talked. He said he just needed time. And if and when he was ready come for me, "and I will fight for you." I said I couldn't wait when he didn't know how much time it would take, and if he wouldn't be sure. He said he didn't expect me to wait. But now I'm hopeful again. Yes I know it's bad.

Then we had sex... but it felt like making love. But I cried afterwards. He was lovely, "baby, baby it's ok. Don't think about it." I stayed the night.

Yes, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it will fix things. It probably won't.

No more to say.

I Done a Bad Thing...

And took a massive step backwards.

Sense of Relief?

His number is finally gone from my phone. I felt half sad, half relived when it was gone, but as each day goes by (i.e all two of them) and I can't text him, I feel a lot stronger. It's also satisfying to think that he's probably noticed me not texting him, and I'd like to think he's a little bit sad about it.

When I still had his number, I'd asked him to bring around a dvd of mine that I'd forgotten to get when I first went round. I just went around to get it, and was really relieved to see that he wasn't there. I left him a note:

"It's obviously too difficult for you to bring my stuff round, so I came round to get it myself to save you the hassle of having to see me. Also, I took my condoms back. It may seem petty but the thought of you using them with number eleven when I bought them for us to make love with doesn't enthrall me. - Six"

I was impressed with myself. Sure, the condom comment didn't really need to be made, but I didn't beg him to take me back. I didn't tell him I missed him. It was blunt and kind of rude, but not directly rude. I felt relieved.

I was also pleased to see when I was in his room that my birthday card was still there, and the sippy cup he'd bought for me on our first date that I'd subsequently returned was still sitting on his desk. I was tempted to snoop around a bit further but managed to restrain myself.

Yes, I do hope he gets into contact about it, but I know he won't. I don't mind, I feel relieved.

In a Happy Place?

I wrote this a couple of hours ago. Writing it down made me feel better, and I no longer feel like how I describe. For now, anyway.

Tonight the pain is unbearable. I'm in so much pain that I have a suicide prevention number saved in my phone, and beside me a box of sinus painkillers where it tells me that in case of an overdose, go straight to the hospital. I forgot the cooking wine from the pantry, though, which is probably going to save my life tonight.

Why is tonight so hard for me? Why do I want to die tonight? I'm not a hundred percent sure. Today would have been eleven months for us, but I felt fine this morning. It wasn't until my last class that I started to deteriorate. I texted him. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. A big long text message. I asked if he missed me. His reply cut me,

"I do miss you. Not enough to get like you, but I do. It is different without you but I adjust."

If he misses me, why can't he take me back? I know I'm going to get over this, but right now it hurts more than I can describe. I asked if he would come and see me, but of course he wouldn't. I miss him so much. I just want to be held by hi, to be loved by him. I miss waking up next to him. The space under his arm where I fit perfectly. How he used to snuggle me when he would come into my room late at night.

I ran away tonight. I'm at my happy place. He's the only one who knows where it is, if he can remember. I won't stay out here too long. But here I can cry all I like without disturbing anyone. Here I can ring the hot line without anyone hearing. Here I can end it all without anyone stopping me.

Doing Ok.

I'm doing ok. I wouldn't say crap, I wouldn't say great.

I'm hurting really bad. For a start, I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. Then Jake did, but now that he's fallen out of love with me, I'm scared that no one will again. I cried in the car today. But I don't cry all the time, nor am I sad all the time. So after two weeks, I think I'm doing ok.

I'm not eating my sorrows away like everyone is telling me not to. I don't desire to gorge on food. I'm more determined than ever to keep going to the gym and keep looking fantastic because I want him to know that he missed out on me. I don't want him to see me letting myself go. I won't go down that road.

Things I will miss about Being in a Relationship (not what I will miss about Him.)

• Sleeping beside someone
• Snuggles in the morning, and at night
• Regular sex
• Feeling loved and secure
• Being made to feel beautiful
• The fun
• Knowing that I had someone.

No Tears Today

I'm actually doing ok today, believe it or not. I'm not happy, but I'm not crying (haven't cried once today) and I feel like maybe one day, things will be ok.

Why did Jake break my heart? I'm not really sure. He said that he loved me, but it's not in the way he used to and he can't go on anymore. He's got so much on his plate right now and he can't handle a relationship, especially one where his feelings have changed. There is nothing I did, nothing went wrong in the relationship. He just changed, and there's nothing I could do about it. I asked him if I should wait around for something that may or may not happen, and he told me that it would be selfish of him to ask me to wait when he doesn't know how he feels. I took that to mean "move on, it's over forever," but there is still a part of me that hopes we can fix this.

It hurts to know that he will never sleep beside me again, that I will never kiss his lips again. The movies we planned on seeing together I will now have to see with someone else, and the restaurants we wanted to try will have to be tried with someone else, or alone.

Tomorrow I'm taking his stuff back, plus a few things he gave me that I don't want because they hold to much meaning. I wrote him a letter that thanks him for all the good times we shared over the past ten-and-a-bit months, but I'm not sure if I'll give it to him, because I don't want to seem like I'm begging for him to take me back (which I'm not), but I don't want him to forget me.

I will never forget him, because he was my first almost everything.

Pain

I thought that heartbreak would be a full body ache, but turns out it's not. It's all in my head and I can't get it out. I'm in so much pain that I want to physicalize it just so I can feel something.

My younger sister has come down to stay with me for a couple of days to keep me distracted, which is great. When she's gone I'll blog about what happened. Not that I really know. My lack of understanding of 'why' only makes the pain more unbearable. I just hope that soon he wakes up and realises what a fool he was, and how much he needs me in his life

The worst part is at night, when the thoughts of us ravage my brain, and in the morning when I wake up and go to text him, and then realise that I shouldn't.

I don't want to wake up.

Broken Hearts

Jake broke up with me. I hope you're all happy, you were right, it didn't last.

My heart is broken into a million and one pieces.