Yesterday morning I had some form of a panic attack. I went to the campus nurses who booked me in to see the doctor. She thinks I have a case of mild reactive depression, which is okay for the moment because I'm still in the time frame for feeling like shit. But if I'm still like this a month down the track, then maybe we need to think about medication. I had blood tests taken to see if my iron levels were still normal because I haven't been able to eat properly since we broke up.
Last night I got served by the girl he's... whatever he's doing with her. I was really cool, calm and collected and I felt so proud of myself. I thought I was on the road to recovery, nearly ready to be friends again.
Today I went to the gym and haven't been able to control myself since. I miss him so much, and there's this big void he was that I'm trying to fill up. It's hard because I know his void (if there even was one) has been filled with another girl while my heart is still broken. Not only did I lose the man that I loved but I also lost my best guy-friend. I can't wait for the day where we can be friends again, but maybe it's further off than I thought.
I looked in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I don't like me anymore. I want to be fixed.
2 comments:
Fixing is something only you can do. In some ways the breakup is a good thing, you permitted your feelings to become codependent to a degree where you do not feel 'complete' without him. Thats never healthy.
Life is grand, life is fine THEN Wham the first big heart break and YOU're thinking medications are the answer.
HEY! Those parts of the brain that are hot with depression can be treated with solid physical exercise whenever those demons rise. Here's a portion of an article called Depression Medications Kill.
Depression Medication - a Real Killer
Most legally prescribed depression medications are
of course an invented product of the 20th Century
pharmaceutical industry and a misguided branch of
“medicine” and the doctors who prescribe them.
Of course there are some more extreme cases of
mental disease and illness such as true bipolar
syndrome that can be helped by very very carefully
applied and monitored drug treatment but the
success rate is still quite low as many go off their
meds and commit suicide anyway. However,
though these people are usually able to function
better on treatment, they are seldom fully
functioning humans.
One has to ponder why depression is so prevalent
in the developed world and even more so in a few
of the G8 countries while completely missing in
third world countries. And why has depression
grown per capita by leaps and bounds since the
second world war.Why weren’t the same
percentages of people depressed during the
depression years. Perhaps for the same reason
depression does not occur in third world countries,
When people are preoccupied with daily survival
they do not have time to get depressed and if the
do give in to despair, death follows. They use their
energies to fight to survive instead.
Canada has one of the highest rates of medicated
depression in the developed world followed by the USA, Australia and England. Is it possible
depression goes hand in hand with consumerism?
Perhaps it works something like this-We work to
earn. Earn to spend. Spend to fill a void.When the
sense of gratification does not last.We repeat the
cycle. As well,we fill our lives with partying, and
frivolous activities like celebrity and sports
watching. After a period of time we feel guilty
about our gratuitous, basically useless way of life. Then whammo, something like a break up or job loss hits and VOILA! We label it depression and then medicate ourselves numb.
Those who judge others for abusing alcohol,
marijuana or other illegal drugs to numb, mask and
hide from these feelings are surely hypocritical.
The ONLY thing that can ease or eliminate
depression and substance abuse (including
prescribed drugs) is a huge change in lifestyle and
of course jumping off the consumer treadmill as
well as avoiding commercial TV and media
advertizing AND filling our lives with something important after a losing a job or relationship.
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