Attack of the Bitch

I don't know if there's a bigger bitch than me on this Earth right now. I broke Kip's heart, all because I couldn't control myself.

On Tuesday night, Kip came into my room, and as we were talking on my bed, we slowly began to drift off. I placed my hand on his face and began to stroke it, and soon, we were kissing slowly, then faster and more passionately until we were grinding on each other through our clothes. Yes, this happened after he'd told me he liked me. I should have stayed away. I should know better than to mess with someone's feelings like that.

Should, but don't.

After we'd... finished, I apologised to him. "I'm so sorry, Kip," I whispered. He turned and looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "don't worry about it." We were fine the next morning. Fine until he came into my room and it happened again. We'd been sitting in silence for awhile when I sighed quietly. Kip came over and wrapped his arms around me,

"What's wrong?"

"I thought I knew what I wanted, but after last night I'm not so sure."

"You like Derek, and that's OK," He told me.

"I know... but right now I really want to kiss you again."

And then it happened again. Right before it did, he said to me,

"I don't know if we should be doing this," and he was right. We shouldn't have. It was more intense than Tuesday, and it was also when I broke his heart.

He was lying on top of me, and we'd been kissing for awhile when my brain suddenly decided to turn back on.

"This can't mean anything,"I whispered, and he froze. Suddenly it was time for him to leave. He sat up and put his shirt back on. He seemed a bit distant, but not too upset. I gave him a hug and he left.

And then I spent last night comforting him in my room while he cried over me. He'd come into my room, and I was surprised and glad, because he'd been hardly talking to me all day.

"I just want to know why you did that to me." I couldn't answer. He sat down on my bed, and I was silent, trying to think of an answer for him.

"I think.... I think it's because I'm a massive bitch, who thinks with her heart and not with her head, and therefore don't realise the consequences of something until it's too late."

Then there was silence, except for his tears.

"I think maybe I was confused, and maybe I thought that it was what I wanted, but then I realised far too late that it wasn't. And you didn't deserve that, you're still trying to get over your ex, and I shouldn't have messed with your feelings like that. It was wrong of me."

A nod, and then silence.

"I did mean it when I said I'm sorry... Can we be friends?"

"I'll try."

Silence.

More silence.

"I didn't realise how much I'd hurt you."

"That's because I was trying to hide it."

"You shouldn't have."

We sat quietly for awhile, me rubbing his back in some sort of feeble attempt to make him feel better, and him purposely not looking at me.

"I don't deserve your tears, Kip. You're far too good for me, and I can promise you I'm not worth it, I can promise you that."

Soon I sent him to bed with my teddy bear to cuddle.

"You will feel so much better in the morning when you wake up and see me for what I really am." He nodded, and left.

He's going home this weekend, so hopefully when he comes back tomorrow evening, he'll have realised that there's obviously a reason I only have guy mates, and never boyfriends, and we can get back to being that. 

Although I'm horrified that I've hurt him so badly, there is a part of me that wished he'd man up about it. I've realised that I can't handle sensitive guys. I'd rather he told me I was a bitch for messing with his feelings, rather than having him sulk and cry about it. 

But I do wish I hadn't hurt him.