Yup, I Got Hurt.

I cracked. A couple of nights ago I went down to his room and we made out ferociously. I started stroking him and he suggested that he wouldn't have to stop me all the time if he put a condom on, so I put my year 10 health skills into practice and then made him moan (quietly, of course) until he came. I felt pretty good, but he felt bad because he knew he'd never gotten me off (and never did).

Then on Thursday night I gave my first blow job, and right in the middle of it, our fire alarms went off.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I said. "Get out, go!" He leaped off the bed and pulled his pants up, and tried to push the snap buttons of his shirt back together.

"It won't do up!"

"Get out!" We didn't get caught, so I finished the job later.

Yesterday I realised it was starting to hurt me, when Derek made a comment about us. We'd all planned to watch a movie but I could feel tears coming on and told Derek that I was just going to go to sleep. He came up to my room and forced me to tell me what was wrong. He let me cry on him as I explained it all.

"I just feel stupid because I know he's never going to like me, but I can't stop doing the physical stuff anyway even though it's not going to go anywhere."

"I thought you'd stopped. Did you do it again?" I nodded, and he sighed.

"You need to tell him to man up and get over his girlfriend. I'll tell him." I laughed, and he said that I should talk to him about it.

"We have, sort of." He held me for a bit longer and then had to go and finish an essay. I spoke to Emma about it a couple of hours later and she made me go down and tell him.

I knocked on Kip's door and he unlocked it for me.

"Can we talk?"

"Just let me put my laptop away." I sat down on the bed that had previously held so many good memories and waited. When he sat beside me I couldn't say anything, but when it was finally did it was pretty much what I said to Derek.

"That's why I didn't think we should be doing it," he said, "because I knew you or I was going to get hurt." Yeah, but you didn't stop it, did you? 

I was silent, waiting for him to say something else. Apologise, maybe. When he didn't, I got up to leave.

"I'll let you get to sleep."

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Well since there is no slight inclination from you that you will ever like me, eventually yes I will be ok. But not right this second," I replied, and slipped out the door.

I thought that talking to him would be more satisfying than that. I'd hoped he'd say something more substantial. Or at least say something like,

'Yeah sorry I'm never ever going to like you,' rather than just an acknowledgement of me being hurt. He didn't even seem sorry. I realise I was the one who broke our agreement about not doing anything unless it was going to go somewhere, but it takes two to tango.