But last night when he walked into the room... His hair was freshly cut, shaved almost. He'd shaved, and was dressed in a fantastic pair of jeans and a big t-shirt. He looked fantastic. The glittering watch on his wrist complemented his look. When I saw him, my heart actually skipped a beat, and I just thought, "fuck."
He really is one of my closet friends. I called him the other night and we talked for about forty minutes. We played the secrets game, and we shared everything we could think of. I'd ask a question, and then he'd ask one. I even told him about that night with the girls. He's the only one I've ever told.
It's complicated. So, so complicated. He did consider taking my virginity, he told me so. We're both attracted to each other, we've told each other that. But we're just friends. He has a pregnant girlfriend. I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about him. But what they have is also complicated, obviously. He doesn't have the same feelings for her that he once did, but he wants to be there for the baby. He loves that baby more than anything and she hasn't even entered the world yet. And that makes me love him even more because of it.
I went to town last night and when I got home at about 4 in the morning, I got a text from him. I asked him what he was doing up, and he said, "I may have stayed up, just in case you got attacked by a serial killer or something." He actually waited up to check I was safe. And as I was leaving the party we'd both been at, I hugged him, and I hugged him close. It felt good. He felt good.
He's coming to stay the night when my parents are away and little sister is at school camp. We're going to watch movies and I'll give him the present I got him for his baby (and read him his bedtime story), I'm worried that after the drinks we plan on sharing, we'll end up messing around. A part of me really, really wants that to happen. But I'm worried about what will become of our friendship afterwards. Do I want to lose what we have to become friends with benefits? Do I want to miss out on the chance to see what those lips taste like?
I can't believe I've fallen for one of my best friends.
5 comments:
I hate to be a downer, but like it or not his responsibility is to his soon to exist child. I don't suggest he should marry the gf or anything, but he hardly seems to be material for anything serious, if he's truly trying to 'be there' for the child then he doesn't have time to be messing around, or at least shouldn't.
Its one thing to *say* your going to be there for the child, its quite another to consider that what that really means is long nights of staying up all night while the baby is screaming, feeding it regularly, changing diapers and spending large sums of money for all of its needs...
Or is that just the woman's job in his mind?
Re-reading what I wrote before I realize I probably am sounding rather harsh. It just drives me nuts that the biological urges of females seem to be to be attracted to males that prove they can procreate, hence why there are so many guys in their early 20's with multiple kids that they cannot take care of by multiple women they are no longer attached to. As women get older they tend to become more selective as their hormones have less of a say in their choice of partner.
Anyways, I'm not trying to be harsh. I do believe what I said, but I also do not believe that many people your age really understand this or believe it in any real fashion. Or you simply believe there is something 'special' about your specific situation. But I'm not trying to bash on here, there is certainly nothing a commenter on a blog is going to say to change any minds. ;)
I know where you're coming from. Trust me, I didn't choose to fall for him, and I know he's too responsible to let it go too far, and I know I'll be wracked with guilt if it does.
But I also know that he will be a fantastic father. He's already working two jobs so that he can support the mother as well as pay for university. The other day they went out shopping for baby stuff. If her family let him, he'll be the best teenage father there is. I truly believe that.
You're in a real tough situation. Him being a good father probably makes him seem more attractive. lol
I suppose "when in doubt, take the safer route."
but it's easier said then done
I wish you the best
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