Head Over Heels?

I've fallen for him. Hard. I thought it was fine, I really did.  We're just close, but I'm not actually attracted to him, I thought.

But last night when he walked into the room... His hair was freshly cut, shaved almost. He'd shaved, and was dressed in a fantastic pair of jeans and a big t-shirt. He looked fantastic. The glittering watch on his wrist complemented his look. When I saw him, my heart actually skipped a beat, and I just thought, "fuck."

He really is one of my closet friends. I called him the other night and we talked for about forty minutes. We played the secrets game, and we shared everything we could think of. I'd ask a question, and then he'd ask one. I even told him about that night with the girls. He's the only one I've ever told.

It's complicated. So, so complicated. He did consider taking my virginity, he told me so. We're both attracted to each other, we've told each other that. But we're just friends. He has a pregnant girlfriend. I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about him. But what they have is also complicated, obviously. He doesn't have the same feelings for her that he once did, but he wants to be there for the baby. He loves that baby more than anything and she hasn't even entered the world yet. And that makes me love him even more because of it.

I went to town last night and when I got home at about 4 in the morning, I got a text from him. I asked him what he was doing up, and he said, "I may have stayed up, just in case you got attacked by a serial killer or something." He actually waited up to check I was safe. And as I was leaving the party we'd both been at, I hugged him, and I hugged him close. It felt good. He felt good.

He's coming to stay the night when my parents are away and little sister is at school camp. We're going to watch movies and I'll give him the present I got him for his baby (and read him his bedtime story), I'm worried that after the drinks we plan on sharing, we'll end up messing around. A part of me really, really wants that to happen. But I'm worried about what will become of our friendship afterwards. Do I want to lose what we have to become friends with benefits? Do I want to miss out on the chance to see what those lips taste like?

I can't believe I've fallen for one of my best friends. 

Bedtime Story

When I went in to school the other day for a tutorial, I bumped into a friend of mine. Both of us ditched the tutorial and instead went and sat in an empty classroom where we had a good old catch up. Somehow, the topic began to change and I mentioned how I used to love being tucked in and getting my nightly bedtime story.

"I never had a bedtime story," he said to me. I was shocked.

"Not even when you were a toddler?"

"Nope."

This surprised me. I thought that all children had gotten a bedtime story when they were little. The discovery actually made me a little sad. I loved getting stories read to me (my dad would read classics like Dr Seuss, and Hairy Maclary), and the thought that my friend didn't ever get that chance makes me feel as though he missed out something. So I've decided to read him one.

Down There

After discovering that I was mentioned on ParadoxLost's blog (which I am honoured), I read through some of my old blogs. This one isn't particularly old, but I wanted to blog about it again, because I realise that is such a short space of time.

Yes, he touched me 'down there,' and no, at the time I didn't enjoy. However, it happened to me again recently when I went clubbing. It was a stranger this time, I'd been dancing with him for awhile, and although I probably shouldn't have let him do it, I bloody well enjoyed the way he worked his fingers.

Why did I enjoy that, but not my own boyfriend? I sat down recently to think about it. I discounted the effects of alcohol, because I'd had a lot in both episodes. I guess it might be because it had never happened to me before, and also because he seemed like such a gentleman, and I didn't really expect him to do something like that He also frequently said things like, "do you like that," or when I pulled him away, "did I get there?" like a revolting little teenager. I never knew the guy in the club before hand, and know I'll never see him again. I guess that helped a little bit. And also because I hadn't painted him into being some sort of gentleman. Guys in clubs are not gentlemen, I realised that before I put my makeup on for the night.

I'm ready for more of that sort of stuff now. All I need is to find a guy.

Readers

I'm supposed to be studying for an exam that I've got tomorrow, but I really can't be bothered.

Instead, I've come on here to write about how much I appreciate your comments. Sometimes it makes me sad that no one knows about my blog, because I often have the urge to say to someone, "on my blog the other day, this guy said..." but I can't. So just know, that I do read your comments, and I appreciate every single one of them :)

The Virgin Talk

So I had a talk with him about him taking my virginity. We had a big talk, about whether he wanted to take it, and whether I wanted to give it to him. I did offer it to him, and he was unsure.

"I mean, you're a hot mack, but I'm still on that borderline... I don't know."

In the end we decided that he wouldn't take it because he couldn't "handle it if everyone was to find out," and also because we didn't want anything to come between our blossoming friendship.

To be honest, I'm a little bit disappointed. He would have been a good guy to lose it to, because he's sweet and caring and would have been a gentleman. I also don't really want to go to university a virgin... I move out in three months time, so I guess my chances of that happening are pretty slim. Would've been nice, though.

Beware a Lover Scorned - Pausanias of Orestes

In 337BC, King Philip of Macedonia had taken a young lover, Pausanias of Orestes. Turns out the King had a thing for guys called Pausanias, because soon after this, another Pausanias attracted his eye. The original Pausanias becasme angry, and started to harass Philip's new lover.

The second Pausanias was so upset by this that he went to Philip's friend, Attalus and told him what was going on, and soon after committed suicide. Attalus invited Pausanias of Orestes round for dinner, got him drunk and then had him beaten and raped as punishment for what he had done to the second Pausanias.

When he had recovered, he went to King Philip and complained. Becuase Attalus was a good friend of the king, Philip did not punish him.

When Attalus married Philip's daughter Cleopatra in 336BC, Pausanias of Orestes rushed forward as the king entered the theatre and stabbed him in the chest.

Beware a lover scorned.

Plucking my Flower

My friend just offered to take my virginity. Not in a dodgy way, either. I'd texted him and said, "you know you're the only one for me," and he'd replied with,

"I know you're mine. I'll utilise that privilege one day soon,"

"A girl can only wait for so long."

"Maybe when you're ready. I mean, a girl's first time is pretty special."

OH MY GOD.

I'm trying to decipher whether he was serious. Then I have some thinking to do. This guy is fabulous. I love him, as both a friend and as something else. It's not exactly complicated, but it is. I can't explain what I feel for him. He also has a pregnant ex-girlfriend. They broke up mutually, and he's still going to be there for the baby.

But fuck. Quite literally. I've always thought that losing it to a friend might be nice, rather than an actual relationship. And I know he's treat me right, and take care of me. He even warned me awhile ago during one of our regular d&ms that a girl's first time "hurts like a bitch."

Hmmm.

Countdown

It's just six days until my sister leaves for Europe. For three months. I'm so excited. When she gets back, I'll be moving out just two days later.

So.

Excited.

Three Days

I have just three days left of high school. Scared, sad and excited are all adjectives that enter my mind when I think of what this means.

It means saying goodbye to the peers that I have grown up with, the teachers that have mentored me and the system that I'm used to.

I'm scared, because as I said, I'm used to the school system, and next years is going to be completely different. I'm moving out, an hour away from home, and miles away from my friends. I will know no one where I'm going.

I'm sad, because I know I won't see half these people ever again.

I'm excited, because I know the future will bring me new opportunities, new friendships and maybe a new lease on life.

PS. Although this blog is all about me, I really love to hear the accounts of what happened to you when you were my age, especially if it relates to a blog. Let's swap stories!

Shots in the Bathroom

Number 11 on our list of Eighteen Things to do while we're Eighteen is drink before school. That was something pretty rebellious that we didn't really think we'd achieve.

We were wrong.

Today, as we were heading to the study hall, Ashley said to me, "you know that thing on our list?"

"What thing?"

"About drinking before school?"

"Mmmm?"

"I've got two shots in my bag."

Instead of going directly to study hall, we headed down to the bathrooms where she pulled out the two shots. We pulled off the foil, looked at each other and knocked them back quickly. Neither of us had eaten breakfast, and they did hit us. We got rid of the evidence by shoving the plastic glasses in the sanitary bin, and then giggled our way to study hall, high off the fact that we'd just done the naughtiest thing we'd ever done in our five years of high school.

Nothing like a bit of teenage rebellion with only SIX days of high school left.

Let's Dance

I went to town last night after dragging myself away from the best house party of the year. I went with my good friend Ashley, and a few guys who thought they had to babysit us. It was very kind of them, but I was glad when Ashley suggested they go sit down while we danced.

And danced.

And danced.

And then made out with hot boys.

Overall, it was a very good night. I was a bit disappointed that my friend Lee didn't join us. I've been semi crushing on him for awhile and know that when he gets crunk, he likes his friends a whole lot more, if you know what I mean. But that's another blog, because boy will that take some sorting through, with him a having a pregnant on/off girlfriend and all.

Until I feel like climbing that mountain, adieu.