Happy Again.

I've had a fantastic weekend, although it actually started on Thursday night when I had to take Derek home from town because he was so trashed he could barely stand. After buying him Subway and finally convincing him to hop in a taxi, we made it back to our hostel. He proceeded to tell me that I was such a good friend, and that he owes me. I just laughed - Derek has been so good to me about Kip that he deserved looking after. I helped him get undressed and as soon as he hit his pillow he was out like a light.

We woke up the next morning to find out that Derek was not the only one who had too much to drink. James had decided that he would race a car home, ran, tripped, face planted and sprained his ankle. He's on crutches now and the doctor said it could be a month until he can walk on it.

Kip and his Indian girl that I saw him hooking up with are official now. Derek and James told me last night when we were chilling. I thought that it'd upset me, but mostly I was just embarrassed about how emotional I got over it all. I've learnt not to open my heart so quickly again, if only to save myself the pain and embarrassment. I'm happy for him. I think Kip and I can finally go back to being buddies again. I told him this morning that I was happy for him, and I think when he comes back from Nationals on Tuesday we're going to sit down and have a talk.

I'm happy again, thank God. I like being me and not having to worry about anything - except exams and the three essays I have due on Tuesday, of course. I'd like to have a relationship with someone, but at the same time, I don't actually mind being single. Derek says what I need is a little flirtation - something that's exciting for a bit, but then just fades away without anyone being hurt, and I think he's right, but I'm not going to go searching for it.

Back to Me.

Sorry that I haven't posted so long. I didn't think it was going to be worth it, because they were all going to be miserable.

However now I'm back to full strength, I'm pleased to say. Kip and I are on the same page now, and I think I got over him. Mostly at least. There's always going to be that part of me that is wonders 'what if?' But I wonder that about all the guys I've ever been interested in.

Back and Forth.

Last night I decided I was going to stop being pathetic and moping. Kip doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me hurt, seeing what he did to me. I'm going to go back to being happy-go-lucky Six. If Kip can't see that I'm a beautiful, intelligent, funny, awesome, sexy, amazing woman, then he's obviously blind, and I shall just have to wait for someone who can see it. He can go out with that stupid bitch and I'll find someone better.

Ok, it still hurts. Really bad. But I'm trying.

On a slightly different note, I got a text from Isaiah last night. He was in the city that I'd run away from. I found this slightly ironic that the night I decide not to let Kip get to me anymore is the night that Isaiah returns to my life.

Ok, it really, really hurt. He's keen on the girl he met in town. They'll go out, she'll stay the night. He'll give her the virginity I wanted, and I'm going to be all alone.

It still hurts. I try to push it from my mind but it doesn't want to go. I hopped on a bus and came home for the weekend, just to get away from him and everyone else, but it's not helping. I just don't know why he didn't like me, why I'm so stupid as to have let myself fall without having realised it, why I was stupid enough to think that I wouldn't get hurt by only doing the physical side of things.

Dear Kip

I'm writing this letter to you because words help me feel better. Words allow me to get what's on my heart in the open without having to speak, without having to see your reaction. I couldn't say this stuff to your face, as much as I want to.

I have a confession to make, first of all. Do you remember that weekend when we got back from the beach? Do you remember how we were lying in my bed and you kissed me? It changed my life. Nothing exciting like that had ever happened before, and then you came along and kissed me. I should confess something else. The only reason that I didn't kiss you back was because I had my retainer in. If I hadn't, I would have kissed you back, if only for a second. Imagine if I had. Would things be different between us now? 

I'm not the sort of person who cries over a guy. It's not what I do. I usually hate girls who do it. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, not as pathetic as that. So why did I spend all day Sunday crying over you? What makes you so special? Don't call it love, because I wasn't quite stupid enough to have fallen in love with you. Had you given me the chance had we ever really been together, I think I would have fallen for you, because when we were together-but-not-together, you were wonderful. When we were in one of our 'let's not do anything' stages, you could actually be quite mean. I wonder if it's because you were pretending that we'd never done anything, or whether you truly felt like being mean. Needless to say, I enjoyed nice Kip a lot more than mean Kip.

I wonder why you agreed for us just to do the physical stuff. Don't say that you tried to stop it, because last time I checked, suggesting that you put a condom on so we don't have to stop doesn't exactly enforce your wanting to stop, nor does telling me that what I did with my mouth felt good. Did you imagine it was your ex when I went down on you? When the fire alarm went off, did you get a fright because you realized it was me and not her? Come to think of it, did you ever find me attractive? Did you care for me? Did you look forward to our nightly meetings as much as I did, or did you just enjoy the fact that I was a girl willing to give you pleasure? Your pleasure gave me pleasure, and although I know you were disappointed that you couldn't get me there, at the time I didn't care. I care now because I'm mad that I got you off and it ended before I could teach you to get me off, which I know you would have done eventually.

I wanted you to like me. I wanted you to realise that your girlfriend was young, stupid, and no where near as awesome as I am. I'll be honest to say that I still hope it's not too late, that you'll realise this and come running up the stairs and declare your devotion to me. I know it's not going to happen, but I can't help it. We always hold onto something. When we care for someone so much, there's always going to be a small part of us that cares for them in the wrong way.

Six.

Things I Learnt From Kip

After spending all of yesterday crying over the fact that I'd finally realised that there was nothing between us, I felt better today. But not a lot better until this evening, when I talked about it with a lot of my friends from home. Talking about it so much made it more bearable. Now I don't want to cry as much.

And these are The Things I Learnt from Kip:

• The physical side should not rule the emotional side.
• Stop before you get hurt.
• Blow jobs and fire alarms do not mix.
• 'Screwing the crew' should only be done when thought through.
• Hand jobs are more tiring than I would have thought.
• I can unbutton a shirt with one hand.
• I can also almost put a condom on with one hand
• You never realise how much you care until you realise they're never going to be yours.

The End.

I have never felt more thankful for my friend James than last night.

We were in town, and I walked into a club with my friend Lana, looked up and saw Kip making out with a girl. I turned and felt. She hardly knows me, yet she ran out with me and sat there on the sidewalk with me as I sobbed pathetically. I told her that I was going to go home, but she didn't have to come. I texted James and said,

"I just saw Kip making out with another girl. I feel sick and I'm going home." She helped me hail a cab and I leaped inside, still crying. Then my phone rang,

"Six, it's James. Where are you?"

"I'm- I'm - in a-a-a cab," I sobbed. "I feel sick, I don't want to be here anymore."

"Get out of the taxi. Meet me in The Den."

"I want to go home."

"Get out of the taxi." I sighed and hung up. 

"Can you drop me off here?" I said to the taxi driver. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to take a crying girl home.

"Yes, it's fine. Are you ok?"

"Yes, thank you." I paid him $3 and got out and walked down the street towards The Den. When I arrived, James met me outside and I fell into his arms. He sat me down and let me sob into his shirt.

"Don't worry about it, Six. I know you're upset, but when there's nothing happening between you, you've got to expect it. You should be out there hooking up with guys tonight too."

I just cried.

"You deserve it. Tonight you look beautiful, and if you just opened your eyes you'd see that every single guy here tonight is checking you out. You don't need Kip. He's come out of a pathetic relationship with a fifteen-turned-sixteen year-old. He's miles behind you in the dating world. You deserve someone better."

He took me inside, made me smile, and then made me go and hit on the sports stars that were all standing around the bar. I did, and ended up spending the rest of my night in town with one guy. I hooked up with him, and he even asked if he could come home with me. I declined, but did give him my number. He invited me to the sports game next week with him, but I don't think I'll go. I can't handle the possibility of a relationship. I'm just going to take my time getting into anything else.

I came home at about 3 with a friend of mine and hopped into bed. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I could see them kissing. Luckily at 4.30 my friend knocked on my door and said,

"I walked into a wall!" He had blood dripping down his head, so I got to play nurses and clean him up. Then he complained that he was dizzy so I made him stay the night with him so that I could check he was still alive during the night.

At about 7 in the morning I decided to empower myself. I texted Kip and said,

"I just want you to know that I'm not the same person anymore, and pandering to your every need isn't going to happen anymore. Fixing your shirts, doing your hair, putting food away for you when you ask me. It's not going to happen anymore because it's me clinging to a false hope that I saw last night does not exist. I'm not going to be that girl anymore because it's pathetic and I deserve better."

Double Hurt and the End

I went to town on Saturday, got very drunk in an attempt to make me forget. Bad idea. Instead I only succeeded in pulling out my phone and sending rude text messages to Kip when I shouldn't have. 

"You're a dick, you don't care,"

"It takes two to tango, it wasn't all my fault," and my personal favourite,

"You hsgt mf. I wishder yu cadrf."

I texted him yesterday morning and apologised,

"I'm sorry about the texts last night. I shouldn't have taken my phone to town. I do think there was some truth to it though." He didn't text back, so when he returned I went down to his room and knocked. 

We talked it out, well sort of. There was a lot of staring at walls from both parties.

"I felt like you made it out to be all my fault,"

"When did I ever do that?"

"When you said that you said we shouldn't have done it."

"I tried to stop it like three times,"

"But you didn't stop it. You let it happen, it was your idea to put a condom on so we didn't have to stop."

Silence.

"I'm not saying it's all your fault. We both were stupid."

"I agree."

Silence.

"I feel stupid." He looked at me, almost mad.

"Why should you feel stupid?" He asked, "why do you have any reason to feel stupid?"

"Because I thought that by doing that you might just forget about your ex, and that you might like me. I was stupid to think you could ever like me."

"You shouldn't feel stupid. I'm the stupid one. I'm the one who didn't stop it."

I didn't say anything. We sat in silence for awhile, and then I got up to leave.

"Is there anything else you wanted to say to me?" I shook my head. I went over to him and we hugged. I cried into his shoulder and he just held me.

When I left I still felt like crap.

I woke up this morning with a text from him on my phone,

"I'm really really sorry. But you know I never would have purposely done any of this to hurt you. I'm sorry that I just let it happen and didn't stop things earlier. I know I screwed up. And I know it's my fault. I'm so sorry that I did this to you. I didn't mean to hurt you this much."

I had wanted an apology, even though I know it's not all his fault. I still feel like shit. I replied with,

"I want to say that it's ok, but I can't. We were both stupid but I think that's what makes it hurt more, that I was stupid enough to think that you could ever like me. I should have known that you wouldn't. Things never turn out that way for me, why should this have been any different? It hurts because I was stupid."

"But I do accept your apology."

Yup, I Got Hurt.

I cracked. A couple of nights ago I went down to his room and we made out ferociously. I started stroking him and he suggested that he wouldn't have to stop me all the time if he put a condom on, so I put my year 10 health skills into practice and then made him moan (quietly, of course) until he came. I felt pretty good, but he felt bad because he knew he'd never gotten me off (and never did).

Then on Thursday night I gave my first blow job, and right in the middle of it, our fire alarms went off.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," I said. "Get out, go!" He leaped off the bed and pulled his pants up, and tried to push the snap buttons of his shirt back together.

"It won't do up!"

"Get out!" We didn't get caught, so I finished the job later.

Yesterday I realised it was starting to hurt me, when Derek made a comment about us. We'd all planned to watch a movie but I could feel tears coming on and told Derek that I was just going to go to sleep. He came up to my room and forced me to tell me what was wrong. He let me cry on him as I explained it all.

"I just feel stupid because I know he's never going to like me, but I can't stop doing the physical stuff anyway even though it's not going to go anywhere."

"I thought you'd stopped. Did you do it again?" I nodded, and he sighed.

"You need to tell him to man up and get over his girlfriend. I'll tell him." I laughed, and he said that I should talk to him about it.

"We have, sort of." He held me for a bit longer and then had to go and finish an essay. I spoke to Emma about it a couple of hours later and she made me go down and tell him.

I knocked on Kip's door and he unlocked it for me.

"Can we talk?"

"Just let me put my laptop away." I sat down on the bed that had previously held so many good memories and waited. When he sat beside me I couldn't say anything, but when it was finally did it was pretty much what I said to Derek.

"That's why I didn't think we should be doing it," he said, "because I knew you or I was going to get hurt." Yeah, but you didn't stop it, did you? 

I was silent, waiting for him to say something else. Apologise, maybe. When he didn't, I got up to leave.

"I'll let you get to sleep."

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Well since there is no slight inclination from you that you will ever like me, eventually yes I will be ok. But not right this second," I replied, and slipped out the door.

I thought that talking to him would be more satisfying than that. I'd hoped he'd say something more substantial. Or at least say something like,

'Yeah sorry I'm never ever going to like you,' rather than just an acknowledgement of me being hurt. He didn't even seem sorry. I realise I was the one who broke our agreement about not doing anything unless it was going to go somewhere, but it takes two to tango.

Just Friends (Again)

We're back to being just friends. After getting hot and heavy every night he said he didn't think he could keep doing it, and that it was getting too much for him. I said that it was fine, because we'd had a deal and I wouldn't ask any questions.

"It's just I think every night was getting too much,"

"Yeah, maybe we did get carried away. I guess I just couldn't help myself," I replied, and he laughed.

"Yeah, we got very carried away. Are you ok with it?"

"I'm ok with it, but it can't happen again between us unless it's going to go somewhere. We can't keep hooking up and then changing our minds, ok?"

"I understand. I think that's probably a good idea. I'll try and keep it in my pants," he joked, but acknowledging that I was serious.

"We'll both try. Because we're only going to end up hurting each other if we keep doing it."

"I know."

So we're back to being just friends. My only problem is that I suspect it will happen between us again, and that we'll continue to go through this cycle of mucking round with each other for a few days, and then breaking it off, but I guess we'll just take it as it comes. For now I'll just smile at the few days we did spend together, and the new experiences that I had with Kip that I hadn't had with anyone else.