Friends With Benefits

The other night Kip and I were alone in his room. We'd just been chatting about the essay he hadn't started (and still hasn't started - due tomorrow), when we started kissing. I don't know how it happened, but it did, and it felt good. 

That is until Derek opened the door on us and said, 

"Gotcha!" We had a laugh about it and then I left, as the mood had obviously been ruined. Now Derek keeps making little jokes to me that no one else guesses. He's loving it.

He came up to my room the following night so we could talk about what happened, but it ended in a similar fashion, except this time Derek didn't walk in on us. 

"You know we can't have a relationship," he said to me as I leaned in for a kiss.

"I know, I said," and leaned in for one anyway.

And that's how our agreement came about.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said.

"I won't get hurt if I know that this is all there'll be. It's when I don't know what's going on that I get hurt," I replied. "We can just take it as it comes, we're not exclusive, I'm not expecting you to get over your girlfriend. I can still hook up with a guy in town if I want to, as can you. If we meet someone, this stops. If one of us starts getting hurt, then it stops, no questions asked."

He agreed to the rules, and so now we're lovers, or friends with benefits, or fuck buddies (without the fucking - for now). Whatever you choose to call it. We actually lay in bed and talked about his ex - and it was nice. I expected to be jealous, but I wasn't at all. I did ask him if he was imagining her when we were together, and he looked at me, horrified.

"No! That would be really weird!"

"I was just checking!"

I stayed in his room last night, which was a bad idea because Derek and two other friends live in the same pod as him, so we had to be very, very  quiet. That proved to be a challenge when we got too carried away and he had to go to the bathroom to change his pants. I set my alarm to sneak out and back up to my room at 4am, which turned into 4.10, 4.15... it was 4.30 by the time I finally left. It had been a good night. When I was trying to put my top back on he lifted me up and pulled me into his lap faster than I could think, and then as I was trying to escape he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist with no strain whatsoever.

Yes, I realise this could end badly, and the chances of me being hurt are relatively high. But hey, you only live once.

Getting Over It.

It didn't take me long to get over Kip. In a way I think it's good that we didn't get together, because I suspect if it had happened, he might have liked me more than I would have liked him, because it had been him who had made the first moves in the beginning. But maybe not.

Two of our friends have gotten together. They got together Monday night, and told us yesterday. Three of us are a bit cynical. Joe got out of a two year relationship just over a month ago, and Sophie got still talks about her ex. We think that she likes him a lot more than he likes her, and that she's going to become very possessive of him. Derek's bet is that it will last just a month. Mine is that it will last two, but it will end on Joe's terms, and Sophie will be heartbroken. I realise this sounds very hypocritical of me. I'm not stupid, but if it had been Kip and I, we would have gone about it differently. 

On another little side note, last night in town Derek said I was one of his best friends here and that made me feel very special. I know he said 'one of,' but it's still nice to hear something like that.

Leading Me On.

You know, for once I thought I was going to be the girl who walked down the street holding hands. The girl who had a smile on her face, because she had a gorgeous guy on her arm. The one who was in that annoying 'I have a guy and I want you to have one too because I'm so happy' bracket.

Instead, I'm back to being the girl who guys don't seem to want in that way. Kip went funny on me on Sunday night when we were texting, just a slight shift in the way he was texting, but I noticed. Then yesterday when I got back I noticed that he wasn't exactly making an effort for us to be alone. So I went to bed, and texted him.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No. Why's that?"

"Dunno. I must just be in a strange mood. You can come in if you like, after you've escaped from Joe's room."

"Ok. Uhm I'm going to tell you now though that I'm not ready for a relationship cause I can't seem to get over my ex still."

So you texted me ALL holidays acting as though we were going to be something, when you KNEW the WHOLE FUCKING TIME that we were never going to be anything? Jeez. Thanks for leading me on, jackass.

He did come into my room. He apologised, said that it was "nothing to do with you." Funnily enough, that doesn't make me feel any better.

I know I was worried about my true feelings for him, and Joe made me think that maybe I only like him because he liked me, but I'm still hurt. I can see I'm never going to get to be 'that' girl, only ever the friend.

Home Soon.

Well, I head back to the hostel tomorrow. Thank God! I'm so homesick for it, and I'm the only one from my group not back. Last night they all went to town, and boy did they go to town! I've been hearing gossip all day. One friend hooked up with a girl on the second floor, while another one brought a girl back to his room and still hasn't emerged. And then Kip's brother was very cosy with a girl that no one likes... except him, apparently. I was so sad that I missed it all!

I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, but I'm also kind of worried. I'm worried about Kip and I, because I worry that maybe I don't actually like him. I think I do -I think about him all the time, and when I get a text from him I smile, but I don't get that crazy feeling inside my tummy. I hope it's just because I have him, so I don't need that excited "oh my God, he texted me," feeling. I hope so at least.

In other news, I'm thinking of becoming a columnist. Or a film critic. Ah, university. I love how it opens your mind to new career opportunities.

The Virgin Talk

This is a little out of order, seeing as I had the virgin talk with Kip at least two weeks ago. I already briefly mentioned the talk we had, but I thought I'd go into more detail because it was quite a sweet moment.

It had been the usual night. A group of us had been watching Twilight in my room, and slowly they all began to disperse after until finally it was just us two. He was sitting on my bed, which had been turned into a couch for the night's screening, and I was leaning against my desk. I smiled at him and walked over to him, and as always, we slowly began to kiss. Soon I had my legs wrapped around him, and he was holding me up, stopping me from falling off the bed.

Later we were lying quietly, his hand around my waist and I was secure against him. I realised that I needed to tell him that I was a virgin, just so he was 'aware' of it before we got into a proper relationship. I didn't think he'd care, but I thought he had a right to know.

Thing is, I couldn't say it. It seemed to strange a thing to say aloud. I sighed, and snuggled closer to him. Then I sighed again.

"What's wrong?"

"It's just..." I faded out and sighed again. His grip tightened around me and he kissed the back of his neck,

"What is it?" I buried my face in the pillow and sighed again,

"It's embarrassing." His lips returned to the back of my neck and he rocked me softly,

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"I do want to tell you, it's just embarrassing."

"It can't be that embarrassing."

"It's just that... You should know that... I'm not... I haven't..."

"Oh. I think I know what you're trying to say,"

"You do?"

"You're not... you haven't... gone all the way before." I sighed in relief that I didn't have to say it.

"Yeah..."

"Well to tell you the truth, neither have I." My whole body relaxed, but I was also surprised. He'd told me he hadn't had much experience with girls, but he seemed to know what he was doing when we were in bed. I rolled over to face him.

"Really?" I asked, and he nodded.

"So don't be embarrassed, because if you're embarrassed, then I'll be embarrassed," he said, and I smiled. I snuggled into his chest and lay there for a bit.

"So it doesn't matter?"

"Why would it matter?"

"It does to some guys,"

"I know. But not to me."

I Want You.

I want you to smile when you see me again. It's been two long weeks of flirtatious text messaging, and I don't think I can wait to see you much longer.

When I slip into your room, I want you to pick me up. I want to wrap my legs around your hips and kiss your lips quickly, and then smile at you. I'm going to push myself up against you. I'm going to kiss your neck, your jawbone, your cheek bone, your nose. You will take me over to your bed and lie me down with a smile on your face.

You will kiss me, and you will bite my bottom lip. I want your rough side to come out and play with me. 

Your hands will roam, but I know you won't have the confidence to make the first move, so I'll reach for your t-shirt, which you will pull over your head, barely breaking my kiss. You will throw it with careless abandon on the floor. Then, you'll move for my clothes. I'll make it easy for you, I promise. I'll wear a little dress that you only have to pull over my head to expose my new, lacy pink bra that I got especially for you to see me in.

You'll push yourself up against me and breath heavily. And that's when I'll stop you.

"It's dinner time," I'll say. I'll smile and roll out from under you, slip my dress back on and tidy my hair.

"But don't think you're getting any sleep tonight.

Take Me Home.

I'm back at my house, and I want to go back to my dorm so badly, even though I know all my friends aren't there. I call my dorm home, and that's where my heart is.

My older sister hates my presence here, and isn't afraid to show it. That's ok, bitch, you're the reason I moved away. I thought that I would love being home, and although I do enjoy the home cooked meals and gossiping with Mum, it's a small sacrifice to pay for having a fantastic time in a different city.

Moving out really was the best decision I ever made. It's lead me to a new, happier me.

My Degree

I'm doing what Americans call a 'liberal arts degree.' Here, it's called a 'bachelor of arts.' Not really knowing what I want to do with my life, I've decided that three years on a 'bugger all' degree might give me some ideas.

Because it's the arts, I'm doing english, history, theatre studies and media studies.  A lot of my papers revolve around film, and it's made me more interested in film reviews, so maybe that's a path I might think about heading down. I love university, it's the best time of my life and moving away from home has been the best decision I ever made.

I know that's basic, but I'm supposed to be writing an essay, when all I want to do is drive to the next city to see Kip.

?

What do you want to hear about? I'm out of blog subjects. Tell me what to say!

I will say that I like Kip's hands.

This Is All About Kip.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. My internet ran out, and I wasn't exactly going to use someone else's to blog about all my secrets. I'm home now for two weeks on Easter break. I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog anymore because I'm so bad at updating, so I'll give you a quick rundown on my life. Let me know if you're still interested and I might post a bigger blog on points you would like to know more about.

My Life in the Past Week:

• As I said, Kip and I are taking it slow. That doesn't stop him from being in my room every night and having giant make out sessions in my bed. I like him very much.
• I brought up the fact that I'm still a virgin. It took me ages to say it, but I wanted him to know that before we actually got together. Turns out he's one as well (which just shows you really cannot tell who is and who isn't), and that made me relax a lot more because it means that there's no pressure and that we can truly take it slowly.
• We went home from town early on Thursday because we were the only sober ones and weren't having any fun. He got a text from his ex, and I asked him if I was the rebound girl. He said, "I'd be lying if I said I was a hundred percent sure that you aren't," which felt like a big slap in the face. We talked about it some more though, and he said that he wants there to be an us after the holidays. The night ended with a mega make out session and a little bit of dry-humping.
• He came up to my room this morning and we made out in my bed until he had to leave for his basketball tournament. I don't want to spend two weeks without a kiss!