Email arguments with Jake.

I am fabulous.

My first one night stand.

All coming up... when I can be bothered, and get the time to do so.

The Return to Me-ness.

I've realised he isn't worth my tears.

After this breakup I have been humiliated and hurt.

But not anymore. I'm ditching the antidepressants that I got put on. I can do this on my own.

In a few weeks, I'm going to go on my own personal spiritual retreat. A book, some good movies, good food, and a notebook to write everything down.

I will be whole again.

Tell Me...

Tell me the tale of your first heartbreak. Tell me how you felt. Tell me how it happened, tell me why it happened.

Tell me how you learned to let go and become yourself again, to accept who you are without them.

Tell me so I can learn.

Roller Coaster Ride - LET ME OFF!

I'm doing well, and then I'm doing bad. It's an up and down crazy roller coaster ride and I just want to get off of it and be normal again.

Yesterday morning I had some form of a panic attack. I went to the campus nurses who booked me in to see the doctor. She thinks I have a case of mild reactive depression, which is okay for the moment because I'm still in the time frame for feeling like shit. But if I'm still like this a month down the track, then maybe we need to think about medication. I had blood tests taken to see if my iron levels were still normal because I haven't been able to eat properly since we broke up.

Last night I got served by the girl he's... whatever he's doing with her. I was really cool, calm and collected and I felt so proud of myself. I thought I was on the road to recovery, nearly ready to be friends again.

Today I went to the gym and haven't been able to control myself since. I miss him so much, and there's this big void he was that I'm trying to fill up. It's hard because I know his void (if there even was one) has been filled with another girl while my heart is still broken. Not only did I lose the man that I loved but I also lost my best guy-friend. I can't wait for the day where we can be friends again, but maybe it's further off than I thought.

I looked in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I don't like me anymore. I want to be fixed.

Putting up a Wall

I can feel myself putting up walls. I've been so hurt that I don't want to be hurt again, and I'm scared to let anyone in.

But it's not just that... Jake was my first in pretty much all senses of the word. I'm scared of sleeping with another guy, having sex with another... seeing a different one naked. It's weird but I am. I'm scared. I've become so used to him that I don't know how other guys function.

I'm scared of feeling like this again. I feel humiliated and heartbroken, and it's something I don't want to feel...

So. In October I am going to do the 10k run in the city's annual race. They have a half marathon option... but 22ks is a really long run. I'm going to train for it and run it to prove to myself that I only need me. I have 55 days to train and I'm determined.

I'm also going to get my nose pierced, because I've always wanted to do it, and why not do it now?

I Miss Snuggling

And that's all I really have to say :(

Epiphany

I came to a realisation today.

That he's really hurt me. He had a right to move on, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Even if he was to come back, which I know he's not going to, I couldn't take him back. I no longer love him like I used to. I need to just focus on myself now. I'm ready to heal.

It took me a very blunt text from him that was quite harsh to make me realise that things would never be the same again. I no longer hold any hard feelings for him (for her... yeah. But that's another story). Our time together was good, and I don't want to ruin the memory of him with hate. Down the track we can be friends again.

But for now, I will just focus on me.

He's moved on to another girl.

Oh sorry, he's moved back to a girl.

The girl he broke up with for me.

That fucking bastard.

I hate him.

I know he is allowed to. But I thought he would have more respect than that. And to go to her of all people.

I guess I deserve it. He did cheat on her with me. Karma.

And the Bottle goes SMASH

Last night I did something incredibly satisfying. A physicalization of my anger, hurt and heartbreak.

As I was driving home from work, I grabbed an empty wine bottle. Then I did a drive by, and threw it out my car window and onto his driveway.

It shattered into what sounded like a million pieces, just like when my heart shattered. But this felt good. I felt so rebellious as I sped off.

It was a good release of pain. My heart was beating wildly and I can still hear the shattering in my head.

But does this make me a crazy ex now?

Does he miss me at all?

Does he ever wish I was sleeping beside him?

I miss little things, like his tracksuit pants. Being able to snuggle into him in the morning.

God it hurts.

Empty

It's nearly been a month and the wound is still fresh and open as if my heart was cut out only yesterday.

I miss him so much.

And I keep making a fool of myself through drunk texts.

I just want to see him again, be held by him again. Loved by him again.

I saw a counsellor who helped me a lot. Seeing her again on Thursday because I cannot get through this on my own. I cannot handle this constant emptiness that I feel on my own.