New Year's Eve

I'm going to a raging house party tonight at my friend's boyfriend's house. He's only 19 and a self-made millionaire.

After that, I'm going away for awhile, so there'll be no posts for a bit. When I get back I'll let you all know about how my conversation with Isaiah went, and whether I picked up any hotties at the beach.

Lots of love,

Sixteen Secrets.

Parties, Isaiah, New Year's.

I went to a party the other night, and got very, very drunk. I needed to drown out the constant thoughts of Isaiah, as it was beginning to kill me a little bit. I was very hungover the next morning, but at the same time felt suprisingly good. He no longer hogs my thoughts, and I'm not spending the whole day waiting for him to text me. I have, however wondered what happened to our friendship, and I have told him that we need to talk when he gets the chance, just so I know where I stand in his life. Once I know, I'll be able to move on with my life.

I also tried a ciggerette at the party. I had one puff and it was the most revolting thing I've ever had in my entire life. I have no understanding of why someone would want to do that to themselves. Ugh. I had to wash it down with a big swig of Vault.

I don't have a New Year's resolution yet. I can't think of one. My last year's one was (I found it after trawling through my blog) to "throw everything I've got at 2008, don't regret anything and have FUN." I guess I mostly suceeded in it. I did regret stuff, but who doesn't? I want to have a different resolution this year, but a similar one. I'm going to a raging house party for New Year's. Hopefully I can get a New Year's kiss!

Meaning of Christmas

I spent much of Christmas Day reflecting. And a lot of my thinking was about Isaiah. selfish fool that I am, I'm actually jealous of both his girlfriend and his baby. How dare they take up his attentions!

I began to think about how much he means to me. He's both my best friend and this fantastic guy with whom I seem to be madly in love with. I've never been further with a guy before, and no guy has treated me with such respect. And although it shouldn't of happened, I wouldn't stop it from  happening again. I have fantasies in my head where his nose doesn't start bleeding and we get very carried away. He's the only person who's asked about how my grandad is doing, and that touches me. He's also the only person who truly believes in what I want to do, and the only one who believes I'll get there.

I don't think he's aware of how much he means to me. Maybe one day I'll tell him.

Merry Christmas!

I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I know it's two days early, but I won't have time on Christmas, because I'll be too busy doing the family stuff that I can't be bothered with.

Don't drink too much, and don't let the stress of the season wear you down.

Love you all,

Sixteen Secrets

Needs

I stumbled across the realisation last night that people don't need me nearly as much as I'd like to think they do.

How often do I get a text from someone that I haven't previously texted? Perhaps once in a blue moon.

Am I people's sole confidante? Do people come to me with their problems? Not very often.

When I leave in late February, will people forget about me instantly? Will I have left a lasting impression on the people I've known for almost five years, or will I just be "that girl we used to know?"

Summer

Goodness. I can't believe that it's just seven days until Christmas. This year feels like it's been quite long, but all of a sudden it's nearly over!

We're truly into Summer here, and it's great. I spent three hours by a pool baking in the sun today, despite the constant bombardments of warnings about skin cancer. That's what the sun screen's for, right?

Babies, Friendship and TV.

I think I'm a lot more emotionally caught up in this than I realised. It's not that I want this to go further, it's not like I want him to be mine. I just... well that's just it. I don't know. I've never been that far with a guy before, and I've never had a guy say things like, "I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with," to me, and check that I'm ok.

I'm also seriously worried about our friendship. And not because of this, but because of what our futures hold. He's already busy working two jobs so we don't get to talk as much anymore, and I'm scared that when the baby comes he'll forget all about me, and then I'll move away, and our friendship will be over. It doesn't help that everything I've been watching lately seems to feature pregnancy. It's like it's punching me in the face, reminding me that Isaiah will never be able to fully be my friend because he's got some other life. Fuck.

On a completely different note, go out and rent Outrageous Fortune, which is a NZ drama-comedy. It's fantastic.

Revelation My Arse

Some revelation. 

Last night Isaiah came over. We were just hanging out, watching movies. I cooked him dinner, cause we'd both just finished work. We sat down and watched August Rush (highly recommended), and then I made him watch Sex and the City (also recommended). Except we both fell asleep on the couch while watching it. I was lying on his chest. I swear I didn't mean it in any way other than a mate falling asleep on another mate. I hadn't dressed up for him or anything. I was wearing sweatpants, my armpits were unshaven and my sinuses were full of snot. Throughout our snooze, we got closer and closer. I woke up and my head was on the middle of his chest, my arm up around his neck. His hand was on my hip, the other resting on the arm around his neck. His hand (I think it was his. I'm not sure how this whole thing started) slowly moved down onto my bum. I sighed a little and rolled closer. He brought his leg up and slipped it between mine.

I'm not really sure how we got to the next stage (I was sober, by the way, but perhaps a little dozy), but I was on top of him and his hands were on my behind, and he was kissing my neck. He went to slip his hands inside my waistband, but I pulled them up. He stopped immediately and wrapped his arms around my waist and rocked me softly.

"I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with," he said, rubbing my back. If I had half a mind I would have sent him home (he wasn't supposed to be staying the night) or gotten into my own bed, but I didn't. I stayed on top of him as he continued to rub my back, almost massaging it. Things got a bit hot and heavy again, but once again he stopped, my legs wrapped tightly over his hips.

"We can't. No protection," he said. I think that if he had said, "I have a condom," I would have lost it last night. Instead, I laughed little bit and asked quietly,

"Are you staying the night?" At three in the morning I would have thought the answer was fairly obvious.

"Yes."

"Would you like a proper bed?"

"That'd be nice." I rolled off him and got off the couch, grabbing his hand. My house was empty. I could have sent him into one of the many bedrooms with beds, but instead, I took him to mine where we both hopped into my junior single. He's over 6 ft. It was a tight fit. 

Once again, I don't know how it happened, but somehow he was on top of me and we were making out. His hands were roaming again, but I didn't mind anymore. He started rubbing me, and I lifted my hips a bit in encouragement. His hands slipped past my waistband, then into my underpants. He massaged me all the while kissing me. Then he slipped one finger inside me. Then another, and then-

"Is your nose bleeding?"

"What?" He said, his fingers slipping out of me and up to his nose. I had thought he was a bit sloppy, turns out it was blood. I got up and sneaked off to the bathroom before he found the light switch. Sure enough, blood all over my face. I washed my face and then soaked a flannel with warm water. I went back into my room and flicked the lamp on. I sat behind him and washed his face and his now bloody hands.

"How ironic that it's the guy that bleeds," he said. I chucked the flannel aside and turned the light back off.

"You can be on top this time," he joked. I lay on top of him but didn't do anything. "Your heart's beating so fast I think it might stab me."

"Maybe your nose bleeding was a sign," I said, kissing his forehead and rolling off him. I snuggled into his chest and together we fell asleep.

It was awkward when we got up. He left pretty quickly. We had a bit of a laugh, but neither of us really knew what to say. We texted each other later and agreed that it shouldn't have happened, and that we're definitely not going to tell anyone. I know I said that I didn't want to be the other woman, but to be honest, the guilt hasn't really hit me. I'm more concerned that we've lost our friendship. I don't think we have, as we're texting each other now and we're both on the same page in regards to it. We'll wait and see, I guess.

P.S. Don't comment if you're going to lecture me. It's not what I want.

Revelations

Call it what you will. A realisation, a revelation, an epiphany. The other day, I had one. 

I was texting Isaiah, and I had sent him a text that his girlfriend read. I hadn't intended it as flirty, but she obviously took it that way. I got a text from him a few moments later that said, "holy shit. My girlfriend just read that. I'm in trouble." Fear shot through me.

I realised that I didn't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the other woman. I don't want to be the girl that breaks up a couple (especially a couple with a baby on the way). He managed to convince her that we were just friends, a role that I am now more than happy to fill. Now more than ever he's going to need a friend and I've realised that I want to be a part of his life forever, and it was never going to happen if we messed around.

This was my first epiphany, and I loved it.

Random Hook Ups

I blog far too frequently. I've finished school for ever, and don't go to university until March, so time is on my side. I'm also too broke to do anything, and after Saturday night, I don't want to. 

The guy got two points. He eyed me up for ages in the club before asking me to dance. Guys in clubs don't tend to do that, they just come up behind you and expect you to grind on them. He also said that I was "really pretty." Two points. Then we made out. It was revolting. He was the worst kiss I've ever had. I felt as though I was drowning, whilst also feeling as though when we broke apart, my lips would be gone. It didn't help that I was thinking of my crush (who from now I shall call Isaiah). Saturday night in town sucked hard, and I am unwilling to spend so much money on it again anytime soon.

I've also realised that I don't want random hook ups all the time. I like the thought of a regular, a sort of 'friends with benefits,' but I'm sick of hooking up with randoms who 90% of the time suck at kissing. Ashlee and I were talking about needing to find me a regular. She's found one for regular hook ups in town (but she's still into the random hook ups as well), and now it's time to find me one. It doesn't even have to be for in town. They can come over when everyone is out and we can fool around. That's be preferred, in fact.