Happy Again.

I've had a fantastic weekend, although it actually started on Thursday night when I had to take Derek home from town because he was so trashed he could barely stand. After buying him Subway and finally convincing him to hop in a taxi, we made it back to our hostel. He proceeded to tell me that I was such a good friend, and that he owes me. I just laughed - Derek has been so good to me about Kip that he deserved looking after. I helped him get undressed and as soon as he hit his pillow he was out like a light.

We woke up the next morning to find out that Derek was not the only one who had too much to drink. James had decided that he would race a car home, ran, tripped, face planted and sprained his ankle. He's on crutches now and the doctor said it could be a month until he can walk on it.

Kip and his Indian girl that I saw him hooking up with are official now. Derek and James told me last night when we were chilling. I thought that it'd upset me, but mostly I was just embarrassed about how emotional I got over it all. I've learnt not to open my heart so quickly again, if only to save myself the pain and embarrassment. I'm happy for him. I think Kip and I can finally go back to being buddies again. I told him this morning that I was happy for him, and I think when he comes back from Nationals on Tuesday we're going to sit down and have a talk.

I'm happy again, thank God. I like being me and not having to worry about anything - except exams and the three essays I have due on Tuesday, of course. I'd like to have a relationship with someone, but at the same time, I don't actually mind being single. Derek says what I need is a little flirtation - something that's exciting for a bit, but then just fades away without anyone being hurt, and I think he's right, but I'm not going to go searching for it.

Back to Me.

Sorry that I haven't posted so long. I didn't think it was going to be worth it, because they were all going to be miserable.

However now I'm back to full strength, I'm pleased to say. Kip and I are on the same page now, and I think I got over him. Mostly at least. There's always going to be that part of me that is wonders 'what if?' But I wonder that about all the guys I've ever been interested in.

Back and Forth.

Last night I decided I was going to stop being pathetic and moping. Kip doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me hurt, seeing what he did to me. I'm going to go back to being happy-go-lucky Six. If Kip can't see that I'm a beautiful, intelligent, funny, awesome, sexy, amazing woman, then he's obviously blind, and I shall just have to wait for someone who can see it. He can go out with that stupid bitch and I'll find someone better.

Ok, it still hurts. Really bad. But I'm trying.

On a slightly different note, I got a text from Isaiah last night. He was in the city that I'd run away from. I found this slightly ironic that the night I decide not to let Kip get to me anymore is the night that Isaiah returns to my life.

Ok, it really, really hurt. He's keen on the girl he met in town. They'll go out, she'll stay the night. He'll give her the virginity I wanted, and I'm going to be all alone.

It still hurts. I try to push it from my mind but it doesn't want to go. I hopped on a bus and came home for the weekend, just to get away from him and everyone else, but it's not helping. I just don't know why he didn't like me, why I'm so stupid as to have let myself fall without having realised it, why I was stupid enough to think that I wouldn't get hurt by only doing the physical side of things.

Dear Kip

I'm writing this letter to you because words help me feel better. Words allow me to get what's on my heart in the open without having to speak, without having to see your reaction. I couldn't say this stuff to your face, as much as I want to.

I have a confession to make, first of all. Do you remember that weekend when we got back from the beach? Do you remember how we were lying in my bed and you kissed me? It changed my life. Nothing exciting like that had ever happened before, and then you came along and kissed me. I should confess something else. The only reason that I didn't kiss you back was because I had my retainer in. If I hadn't, I would have kissed you back, if only for a second. Imagine if I had. Would things be different between us now? 

I'm not the sort of person who cries over a guy. It's not what I do. I usually hate girls who do it. I'd like to think I'm stronger than that, not as pathetic as that. So why did I spend all day Sunday crying over you? What makes you so special? Don't call it love, because I wasn't quite stupid enough to have fallen in love with you. Had you given me the chance had we ever really been together, I think I would have fallen for you, because when we were together-but-not-together, you were wonderful. When we were in one of our 'let's not do anything' stages, you could actually be quite mean. I wonder if it's because you were pretending that we'd never done anything, or whether you truly felt like being mean. Needless to say, I enjoyed nice Kip a lot more than mean Kip.

I wonder why you agreed for us just to do the physical stuff. Don't say that you tried to stop it, because last time I checked, suggesting that you put a condom on so we don't have to stop doesn't exactly enforce your wanting to stop, nor does telling me that what I did with my mouth felt good. Did you imagine it was your ex when I went down on you? When the fire alarm went off, did you get a fright because you realized it was me and not her? Come to think of it, did you ever find me attractive? Did you care for me? Did you look forward to our nightly meetings as much as I did, or did you just enjoy the fact that I was a girl willing to give you pleasure? Your pleasure gave me pleasure, and although I know you were disappointed that you couldn't get me there, at the time I didn't care. I care now because I'm mad that I got you off and it ended before I could teach you to get me off, which I know you would have done eventually.

I wanted you to like me. I wanted you to realise that your girlfriend was young, stupid, and no where near as awesome as I am. I'll be honest to say that I still hope it's not too late, that you'll realise this and come running up the stairs and declare your devotion to me. I know it's not going to happen, but I can't help it. We always hold onto something. When we care for someone so much, there's always going to be a small part of us that cares for them in the wrong way.

Six.

Things I Learnt From Kip

After spending all of yesterday crying over the fact that I'd finally realised that there was nothing between us, I felt better today. But not a lot better until this evening, when I talked about it with a lot of my friends from home. Talking about it so much made it more bearable. Now I don't want to cry as much.

And these are The Things I Learnt from Kip:

• The physical side should not rule the emotional side.
• Stop before you get hurt.
• Blow jobs and fire alarms do not mix.
• 'Screwing the crew' should only be done when thought through.
• Hand jobs are more tiring than I would have thought.
• I can unbutton a shirt with one hand.
• I can also almost put a condom on with one hand
• You never realise how much you care until you realise they're never going to be yours.

The End.

I have never felt more thankful for my friend James than last night.

We were in town, and I walked into a club with my friend Lana, looked up and saw Kip making out with a girl. I turned and felt. She hardly knows me, yet she ran out with me and sat there on the sidewalk with me as I sobbed pathetically. I told her that I was going to go home, but she didn't have to come. I texted James and said,

"I just saw Kip making out with another girl. I feel sick and I'm going home." She helped me hail a cab and I leaped inside, still crying. Then my phone rang,

"Six, it's James. Where are you?"

"I'm- I'm - in a-a-a cab," I sobbed. "I feel sick, I don't want to be here anymore."

"Get out of the taxi. Meet me in The Den."

"I want to go home."

"Get out of the taxi." I sighed and hung up. 

"Can you drop me off here?" I said to the taxi driver. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to take a crying girl home.

"Yes, it's fine. Are you ok?"

"Yes, thank you." I paid him $3 and got out and walked down the street towards The Den. When I arrived, James met me outside and I fell into his arms. He sat me down and let me sob into his shirt.

"Don't worry about it, Six. I know you're upset, but when there's nothing happening between you, you've got to expect it. You should be out there hooking up with guys tonight too."

I just cried.

"You deserve it. Tonight you look beautiful, and if you just opened your eyes you'd see that every single guy here tonight is checking you out. You don't need Kip. He's come out of a pathetic relationship with a fifteen-turned-sixteen year-old. He's miles behind you in the dating world. You deserve someone better."

He took me inside, made me smile, and then made me go and hit on the sports stars that were all standing around the bar. I did, and ended up spending the rest of my night in town with one guy. I hooked up with him, and he even asked if he could come home with me. I declined, but did give him my number. He invited me to the sports game next week with him, but I don't think I'll go. I can't handle the possibility of a relationship. I'm just going to take my time getting into anything else.

I came home at about 3 with a friend of mine and hopped into bed. I couldn't sleep because every time I closed my eyes I could see them kissing. Luckily at 4.30 my friend knocked on my door and said,

"I walked into a wall!" He had blood dripping down his head, so I got to play nurses and clean him up. Then he complained that he was dizzy so I made him stay the night with him so that I could check he was still alive during the night.

At about 7 in the morning I decided to empower myself. I texted Kip and said,

"I just want you to know that I'm not the same person anymore, and pandering to your every need isn't going to happen anymore. Fixing your shirts, doing your hair, putting food away for you when you ask me. It's not going to happen anymore because it's me clinging to a false hope that I saw last night does not exist. I'm not going to be that girl anymore because it's pathetic and I deserve better."