Eighteen Candles (All Burning Brightly)

Eighteen. This is a big age in my country. I can now legally rent porn, buy alcohol and cigarettes and vote in elections.

To me, eighteen seems insignificant. I had been really looking forward to it at one stage. I'd planned a big party for all my friends, and was going to get absolutely trashed in town. So much has happened to me this year, however, that turning just another year older seems like a tiny detail.

This year started well. I was elected prefect at my school and really got involved. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but at the moment, I didn't mind. My world came crashing down when Mum found out that she had a lump in her breast. The thought that my mum could have something as devastating as breast cancer tore me up. I was strong for Mum, but inside I was heartbroken. I immediately started thinking about what I would do without her. Or rather, what I couldn't do without her. I never realised how much I love her until the magic 'C' word entered my vocabulary.

Mum didn't have cancer, but we never really got the chance to celebrate her good results because just two days after the news, we spent eight hours in hospital waiting for her mother to pass on. She's suffered from a massive stroke when she was out in her garden. I said goodbye to my Nana as she lay on her side in the hospital. I'd like to think that she heard me.

What broke me up the most, I think, was seeing my grandfather and mum so devastated. My Granddad was a farming man, he's tough and although affectionate, I'd never seen him cry before. He held Nana's hand until her heart stopped beating, and then kissed her goodbye. They'd been married for nearly fifty years, and he still loved her as much as he did on their wedding day.

My Uncle then had a heart attack, and my aunt is currently battling bowel cancer. These events don't upset me nearly as much, but stacking them up against all else I've been through this year makes for something almost unbelievable.

Other things have happened to me this year that aren't nearly as dramatic. I made some mistakes - hooking up with that guy from the army was probably my biggest. I wasn't even attracted to him, and when he left I couldn't believe what I had done. He then tried to act as though we were together. He called me his bitch when I occasionally spoke to him on the phone, and after awhile I got sick of him. When he tried to make me feel guilty about not taking him as my partner to the school ball I snapped and told him to fuck off. Although maybe I was harsh, I don't regret my decision to break off that friendship. He clearly wanted a LOT more out of it than I did.

I also had a boyfriend for about... three weeks. It wasn't an impressive amount of time, but at least I wasn't single all year. I've had some other good times, hooking up with another guy who went away the day after. I can't say my year has been devoid of male contact. Although I am craving some male attention at the moment.

I've also found a direction in life. For the meantime, at least. My parents helped me, and now that I know what I'm doing next year, I'm less stressed about my exams and life in general. This year's been a year of changes and growing up. I'm ready to grab eighteen by the horns and throttle it a bit.

I'm not celebrating much today. My mum's gone down to my aunt's to help her recover, but this weekend I'm hitting the town. 

So that's my birthday blog. Let's raise our glasses to ME.