Letters

I usually love getting letters, even if it's only a bank statement. Today's letter was one I had been dreading. I recently tried out for a fancy-pants tertiary institute, and was lucky enough to be called back out of hundreds for further interviews. Then it was just a matter of waiting for the result.

The letter arrived today while I was at school. Dad texted me and offered to open it for me, but I wanted to do it myself.

I didn't get in. I was disappointed, but not surprised. I'm too young I guess. I need more life experience.

So that's what I'm going to do. Fuck them, I'm not going to mourn over this rejection letter. I'm going to get out there and live.

ps. Happy Halloween!

Eighteen Candles (All Burning Brightly)

Eighteen. This is a big age in my country. I can now legally rent porn, buy alcohol and cigarettes and vote in elections.

To me, eighteen seems insignificant. I had been really looking forward to it at one stage. I'd planned a big party for all my friends, and was going to get absolutely trashed in town. So much has happened to me this year, however, that turning just another year older seems like a tiny detail.

This year started well. I was elected prefect at my school and really got involved. I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but at the moment, I didn't mind. My world came crashing down when Mum found out that she had a lump in her breast. The thought that my mum could have something as devastating as breast cancer tore me up. I was strong for Mum, but inside I was heartbroken. I immediately started thinking about what I would do without her. Or rather, what I couldn't do without her. I never realised how much I love her until the magic 'C' word entered my vocabulary.

Mum didn't have cancer, but we never really got the chance to celebrate her good results because just two days after the news, we spent eight hours in hospital waiting for her mother to pass on. She's suffered from a massive stroke when she was out in her garden. I said goodbye to my Nana as she lay on her side in the hospital. I'd like to think that she heard me.

What broke me up the most, I think, was seeing my grandfather and mum so devastated. My Granddad was a farming man, he's tough and although affectionate, I'd never seen him cry before. He held Nana's hand until her heart stopped beating, and then kissed her goodbye. They'd been married for nearly fifty years, and he still loved her as much as he did on their wedding day.

My Uncle then had a heart attack, and my aunt is currently battling bowel cancer. These events don't upset me nearly as much, but stacking them up against all else I've been through this year makes for something almost unbelievable.

Other things have happened to me this year that aren't nearly as dramatic. I made some mistakes - hooking up with that guy from the army was probably my biggest. I wasn't even attracted to him, and when he left I couldn't believe what I had done. He then tried to act as though we were together. He called me his bitch when I occasionally spoke to him on the phone, and after awhile I got sick of him. When he tried to make me feel guilty about not taking him as my partner to the school ball I snapped and told him to fuck off. Although maybe I was harsh, I don't regret my decision to break off that friendship. He clearly wanted a LOT more out of it than I did.

I also had a boyfriend for about... three weeks. It wasn't an impressive amount of time, but at least I wasn't single all year. I've had some other good times, hooking up with another guy who went away the day after. I can't say my year has been devoid of male contact. Although I am craving some male attention at the moment.

I've also found a direction in life. For the meantime, at least. My parents helped me, and now that I know what I'm doing next year, I'm less stressed about my exams and life in general. This year's been a year of changes and growing up. I'm ready to grab eighteen by the horns and throttle it a bit.

I'm not celebrating much today. My mum's gone down to my aunt's to help her recover, but this weekend I'm hitting the town. 

So that's my birthday blog. Let's raise our glasses to ME.

Not Much of a Blog.

Sigh. I'm not really going to be able to post properly until my birthday in just over a week.

I've got a callback for a prestigious tertiary institute on Friday, so at the moment my time's taken up with that, plus I've got in exams in about 30 days, and I really should be focusing on that.

I was out today and bumped into a girl that I haven't seen in awhile. She dropped out awhile ago. She informed me that she was having a baby (I wasn't much surprised). That makes about 55 children to girls who started school with me. That's a helluva lot.

But let me assure you, my birthday blog will be big and fantastic. So much stuff has happened to me this year and I promise to try and recount as much of it as I can in a single celebratory blog.

Apologies

I have to apologize for my lack of posts. I've been very busy with school stuff. Hopefully I'll soon be able to find the time to sit down and write something for you all.

Fuck Feminism

I'm currently in a play that pokes fun at feminism. It's written by a feminist so it's all ok. One of the lines in the play goes something like,

"If we're not allowed to work and we're not allowed to get married and have kids, what ARE we allowed to do?"

It got me thinking. I'm all for women's rights. I'm all for being paid the same amount as men, being allowed to vote and all that, but I also want to get married and have kids. My mum is a housewife, and I am grateful for it. I hope that my partner/husband can earn enough for me to be able to stay home and look after the kids. I want to be able to dress like a woman - I love dresses and skirts and makeup. I'm not doing it for men, I'm doing it for me.

Maybe I don't know the true meaning of feminism. Maybe I've got this all wrong. 

But fuck feminism if it means I can't wear high heels.

Joining the Virgin Debate

I've read a fair few blogs on the virgin debate, and I thought that it was my duty as a virgin blogger to join in.

I am a virgin. At times, I'm ashamed to admit it, but mostly I don't really mind. Most people I'm friends with still have their V stamp, and I'm pretty sure my last boyfriend was also one.

However, I would like to lose it. I'm not waiting around for marriage. I'm not even waiting for love. What I'm looking for is (in my dreams, Jonothan Rhys Meyers) trust. I'd like to lose it to a guy who isn't going to go and tell all his mates straight away, and who won't laugh at me when I don't know what to do.

I'm not a virgin virgin. I've kissed guys (and girls), and had people feel me up. I haven't done oral or anything like that, but when I find the right guy, I know I'll be ready.

Dear Old Dad

I love my Dad. I have so many hilarious memories of him when I was little. One includes him putting bubble mixture up his nose so that he could attempt to blow bubbles out his nose. It only succeeded in him burning his sinuses out.

As I grew up, Dad was always there for me with jokes and silly ideas to make life a little more enjoyable. But now, as I'm older, Dad has less time for all of us. He recently acquired a position at his work place that takes up even more of his already busy schedule. He's always on the phone now, even on his days off - which are few and fair between. When he does have spare time, he's often grumpy from the stress and isn't as willing to share a joke.

I'm glad my dad has worked hard to provide my family with a more than comfortable lifestyle, but sometimes I just wish he had a regular job so I could spend more time with him.