The First Cut

I've been feeling really down lately. Like, really down. I feel as if I'm on the edge of a giant black hole, and someone can say something, and I'll fall right in. I can't find the ladder for ages, hours... Sometimes I don't find my way out until the next morning. Sometimes I'm fine, like today. But the other day, I was so down that I cut myself. I grabbed the nail clippers and pinched my skin. I have three little lines on my forearm now. 

I guess I wanted someone to notice me, and ask me what was wrong. The only person who noticed was my exchange student friend, who said "it looks like you've tried to kill yourself. Either that or you're a vampire," I laughed it off and said I was a vampire. He'd noticed them, but suddenly I didn't want him to see them anymore, I didn't want him to notice.

I'm sorry that my posts have suddenly taken a downward spiral. I'm trying my hardest to feel happy again, and by talking about it here, I do feel better. Thanks for your support :)

Dear Sister

My oldest sister causes endless problems in our household. If something doesn't go her way, she sulks. If someone else is having a bad day, she sulks. She claims no one's listening to her. She claims no one cares. Sometimes I struggle to cope. She doesn't seem to realise that we've all got problems. I can't address that I feel inferior to my friends and don't really fit in with anyone. That sometimes I just feel like crying for no reason, all because we're too busy dealing with her depression and bulimia. I can't load my parents up with extra problems because that would be unfair on them. My sister's constant "I'll just go kill myself, then" takes up enough of their time without them having to worry about me. Sometimes I just wish they'd notice. But they don't get the chance. As soon as someone focuses on anyone but my sister, they're neglecting her. I wonder if she realises what she's doing to everyone else?

First Time

I spoke to Ralph for the first time since finding out he had a girlfriend today. I hadn't spoken to him since I found out - not on purpose, but I just didn't make an effort to speak to him. I saw my friend from school in his shop so I went over on my break and had a chat. Everything went fine. I do still think he's incredibly sexy, but I'm willing to accept that he's not interested in me (his girlfriend's probably fat and boring ;P)

Promises to Myself

People always make promises. We rarely keep them, but it's a part of life. I make promises all the time. I rarely keep them, but here are eight promises that I wish to keep:

1. I will not reach size fourteen until after marriage. I have nothing against size fourteens, but I have never been that size, and I love being a size 10/12. As shallow as it seems, it makes me feel sexy. If I never get married, then I must never become a size fourteen. I don't want to be a horrible spinster who let herself go.
2. I will not let a boy intentionally mess with my feelings. This may be the hardest promise to keep, because I've seen people just go back to their boys again and again. I don't understand how they can do it, but maybe I'll understand if it ever happens to me.
3. I will always keep my sense of style. I hate women (and men) who look as though they've put no effort into their appearance. Sure, there are days when all we feel like wearing is crappy sweat pants and an oversized t-shirt, but if we're going to wear those clothes, we aren't going to go any further than the letter box. And if in the horrible circumstance where I do step outside dressed as such, I will wear dramatic make up to jazz myself up.
4. I will not lose confidence in myself. Sometimes I feel like shit, but I know that I'm not a bad person. I know that some people do find me attractive. I know that I'm fun.
5. I will continue to have fun in my life, whether it be dancing to my iPod, gossiping with friends, or flirting with a guy.
6. I will strive to be friendlier. Sometimes I'm not very open to making friends, and I think that it can be a bad thing. I sometimes think that in my attempts to be mysterious or aloof, I'm actually appearing to be snobby.
7. I will continue to judge people. I know that seems like a strange thing to promise, but I'm always judging people and I love being proved right or wrong. I usually keep these opinions to myself, but it is a good source of entertainment.
8. I will continue to buy high heels and jackets. High heels make me feel sexy. They make my legs look good. I actually don't own that many high heels, but I hope my collection will continue to grow. I love jackets. At the moment I own about five. That's not a lot, but considering I'm only 17, it's actually quite a few. And I just promised not to slow down.

To the boards now: what about you? Do you have any self centered and shallow promises like my first one? 

Classroom Chaos.

There's a boy sitting at the table across from me. He has the name of his home country tattooed across his forearm. This class is in chaos. My friend notices that a boy's fly is down. She points it out to me and we erupt into juvenile giggles. We get tears in our eyes when the boy's friend points out that he is flying low. His embarrassment only makes us laugh harder. At another table, a guy with Sonic the Hedgehog hair's hands are waving animatedly, his friend nodding eagerly. The girls at the front of the table are gossiping, leaning in as they speak in hushed tones. 

The teacher has long since given up up trying to get control of the class. He sits down and blends in with the rest of the furniture. A few people are actually trying to work amongst the noise. I'm not one of them. I just sit back and watch the classroom chaos.

Friday Disappointments

Ralph has a girlfriend. Although I'm disappointed, I'm not suprised, and I'm not as gutted as I thought I would be. I suppose that's a good sign. It's probably a lesson for me to go for guys my own age.

What upsets me is more the fact that yet another guy isn't interested in me. I know I'm young and don't need to worry about having a boyfriend, but it'd still be nice to have one. I don' see why I don't deserve one. I make people laugh, I'm little, so people feel they have to protect me a bit (aren't guys into that?), I can hold a series conversation and a silly argument, I'm realitively attractive. I'm FUN! And to be honest I don't see why some people have boyfriends when I don't. I know it sounds horrible, but what makes them better than me? I know it's not all about looks, but I would consider myself to be better looking that at least one of them.

On a positive note, I suppose at least this means the end of those horrible "is he isn't he" posts.

Tears Don't Fall.

Do you ever lie in bed at night and just cry? Maybe you saw a movie, and it bought tears to your eyes. Then you revisit it before you go to sleep, and the tears start to trickle out. Then they flood, and it's not about the movie, book or TV show anymore. It's about anything and everything. It's because you're scared of what the New Year is bringing - if it's bringing anything. You're scared because you don't know what's ahead of you. It's because the guy you've liked before Christmas is still just the guy you've liked since before Christmas. It's because the world is sitting on your shoulders.

You cry yourself to sleep, and then you wake up the next morning and feel a sense of relief. The tears have stopped you from going insane.

I need to cry. The tears just won't come.

Bored?

Yesterday Ralph came into my shop to buy stuff. I helped him, and spoke to him. I asked why he cut his hair - turns out it was too hot where he was. He was away for fourteen days with ten mates. I said how jealous I was, and he laughed. We talked and we flowed. And my friend said I looked smooth as, even though I was so nervous and I'm sure my face was bright red! Later on I got changed out of my uniform (more about why soon) and went to give him and the other guys some lollies. I swear he checked me out more than was necessary. And my boss made the point that if he had a girlfriend he probably would've mentioned it already. But then again, maybe not.

I got changed at work because I had a party to go to, which turned out to be the lamest thing ever. I was so bored that I left early. Normally I dance heaps, but the person I normally dance with wasn't there because he had to go to some Chinese New Year celebration. There wasn't really any dancing. And everyone was there with their boyfriends and it was all very dull.

Dull like my posts. Are you all sick of these?

Text Messages and Short Hair

School went back yesterday. No verdict on whether it sucks or not yet because all I did yesterday and today was stand around during the junior assemblies.

Ralph returned from wherever he's been for the past two weeks today. He cut his hair off! He used to have lovely, dark hair that brushed his collar and curled a little bit. Now it's short. I'm so sad. His hair was so sexy. But he's still sexy, just slightly less geek-sexy. I'm going to use it as a conversation starter tomorrow at work.

The other guy in the store, I think I called him Blue Shirt Guy or something and I are good friends now. Well, we text and stuff. And being me, I texted, "does everyone in your store know I like Ralph, or is it just my imagination?" Turns out hat BSG didn't know. Nice going, SS. Nor did he immediately text back saying, "Ralph likes you too!" So I'm not really sure where I stand anymore. I suppose it's good in a way that someone near him knows, and he's such an awesome guy that he might suggest something. Who knows?

A Week Until School.

I made prefect :). That makes me pretty happy. For those of you who don't know, prefects are the leaders of the school. You have head girl and boy, and then prefects. It's quite an honor to be voted by your peers and teachers, even if it is rigged. Either way, I got it.

Ralph has been away from work for two weeks. Well, not quite, but two Saturdays, and the days in between them. It's good for me, because it's giving me a chance to get over this obsession, but I'd still like to know where he is. I'd ask someone else in the store, but as I think they all know, it's too obvious, so I'll just have to wait it out, or find a chance to ask casually. Maybe he'll be working late night on Valentine's Day like me :p

A Review

I just saw Juno. I was a bit nervouse to be honest, because it had been nominated for so many awards, and had so many stellar reviews. At the same time, I was excited. It's about time someone made a movie like this. It's absolutely fantastic. It's hilarious, but I should have taken some tissues with me. I really felt that I could connect with the main character, Juno. She was totally kick-arse, and even getting pregnant didn't stop her from being awesome. Her first sexual encounter results in pregnancy, and that's something that I'm so scared of happening to me. It's lucky I have not yet had the chance to worry about it. And hopefully won't have to worry about.

Anyway, the message here is for you all to go and see it. It's brilliant.