Basically, I'm going to write everything that's happened and hope that it helps to clear the thoughts that are blocking out my mind.
I met the Comedian (although he is not what this story is about tonight) at an event I went to. Realising I knew his father, I decided to introduce myself. I took a liking to him, and we ended up meeting up in town later that night. I spent the night in his hotel room, and it was supposed to just be a fabulous one nighter that marked the end of Jake and a new beginning. However, we had a connection, and for a couple of months, tried to make it work. I was travelling regulary back to my home city where he lived to stay with him. It soon became apparent that it was just not going to work between us. He couldn't commit to a relationship when his career was so crazy, especially one that was long distance. I was happy with that, because it was getting annoying wondering when I was going to see him next. We ended it mutually, which was cool because we could still be friends.
I turned twenty last week, and went home to celebrate. Before I returned though, my little sister texted me, asking if she could go on a contraceptive. I tried to convince her not to, because it's quite a commitment. The reason, she finally confessed to me, was that she had been raped at a party she went to. She wanted to go on it so that if it ever happened again, at least she would be safe from pregnancy. I can't believe this has happened to her. She told me they were drunk, and although she had wanted to give him a blow job, she hadn't wanted to have sex with him, but he pushed her into the bushes and got inside her for a bit. It hurts me so much that another man has hurt her so badly. Her last boy was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She's only just begun to admit to us the truth of how he treated her, although we'd always had our fears. And now this? Although I know that this happened in circumstances beyond my control, I cannot help but be wrenched with guilt at not being able to protect my little sister. She is so strong and has already been through so much. I'm incredibly scared that something else might destroy her.
I went up to my hometown with my best friend. We went shopping and then checked into our hotel. Some of my friends from high school joined us, where we proceeded to get awfully drunk. It's my birthday, I'm allowed. The Comedian joined us in a bar with his friend and we hung out for awhile. Not remembering how it happened, he ended up coming back with me to our room, where we proceeded to have drunk sex in the shower and then snuggled on the fold out bed. I went to his show the next night, and then the night after went to his house for a snuggle. It was nice, but I'm not trying to kid myself into thinking we're back into a relationship.
The day I had to return to my flat, I cried and cried to my mother. I hate it there, I told her. She said to me that it's only gotten bad since Jake and I finished. Although I'm over him, there is still a connection to him because of the time we spent together. She told me only time would heal it. I cried the whole drive back, over that, and over what happened to my sister.
I cannot stop thinking about what happened to her. I'm not sure why, but it's consuming me. I don't understand why it has me so upset, but it's triggered something inside me. I feel on the verge of tears a lot now. Seeing sad things on the television is enough to bring tears to my eyes, when normally I would just say "oh that's sad." I feel guilty that I can't protect her, that I can't stop people from hurting her. If this could have happened to me instead, then I wish it had. I don't want her to feel pain.
19 comments:
For the next while perhaps only watch TV and movies you find funny - download The Big Bang Theory , $#*! My Dad Says , or whatever the equivalent NZ comedies are.
Immerse yourselves in happy musical theatre.
Fill your life with frivolous joyful nonsense.
Do that for a few weeks until Christmas and put all that Jake and relationship out of your mind.
I strongly suggest a counseling session. What happened to your sister is terrible, and your helplessness in being there to save her can weigh you down. What the guy did was to your family, not just to her, but you can feel guilty for being hurt by something far more traumatic to her than you.
Glad to see your still around though. Missed your posts.
I just want to ask why you are against your sister getting on a contraceptive (probably the pill)? If she is sexually active, excluding said incident, it is probably for the best. Condoms are only 87% effective, and that's when used PROPERLY.
Anon - While I agree with your statement that she should consider birth control if she is sexually active, your statement about condom effectiveness is a common misconception.
In typical usage situations, condoms have about 15 failures per 100 women per year, which means its extremely effective. People often extrapolate that into '85% failure rates' without realizing the rate is per 100 women per year, which would encompass thousands and thousands of sexual encounters for those 15 failures.
The Pill? Condoms?
I think there're two totally weird things going on here.
First off - if a woman feels the pill is something that will protect herself (or her sister) from getting pregnant due to rape - what the F? Perhaps it's time to stop hanging out in situations where guys are prone to raping! What the F is that all about! CHoose a better crowd, house party and non-Date rape venue.
Second of all, condoms significantly reduce the chances of disease especially DEADLY AIDS - the Pill doesn't.
Perhaps you and your sister should put your heads together and figure out why you are both so "vulnerable" read open to choosing in ending up with abusive men in your life.
A quick read back through your Blog, shows some history on both your parts in being more "unlucky" in love than not, while her's as well is checkered with "bad" men.
Was it your home life? Is it two princesses now looking for love anywhere? Is it a reaction to the same dad? Was it a lack of attention and affection at home so any attention now is acceptable? What is it that causes the only two siblings in a family both female to "pick" guys, events, parties, bars that lead to abusive situations? At the very least you somehow fail to avoid abusive situations.
There may be some answers for both of you if you go there.
Holy fuck is the above post ignorant and unhelpful!
Anyway, I do hope things start looking up for you both. Talking to someone might be a good idea; concern for your sister is natural but if you it's bogging you down altogether that is worth chatting about. I'm glad to see another post from you but I'm dreadfully sorry it was under these circumstances.
I think his/her posting was spot on!
We're looking forward to several examples from you as to how that post is ignorant and why it is unhelpful.
"Holy fuck" Unless this is a sloppy reference to the immaculate conception resulting in our "lord and saviour" this is itself an ignorant expression!
"our lord and saviour" - This is an ignorant expression! The plural is quite inappropriate here. I don't have a lord or saviour, and I clearly wouldn't be talking about yours before you entered the conversation.
The post I referred to was just classic victim blaming. The inadequacy of such an approach to lead to anything the least bit constructive is not a fresh realization I came up with myself.
This has nothing to do with blaming the victim at all. It is a concrete suggestion for Sixteen and her sister to take an honest look at what is going on here.
Sixteen repeatidly went back to Jake, even though she knew he was bad for her. Then she longed for him knowing the same thing. Her sister likewise. Unlucky in love or pattern?
Women who repeatidly seek out controlling boyfriends whether consciously or unconsciously or go back to controlling abusive boyfriends are usually seeking something unhealthy, whether consciously or unconsciously.
In the case of two sisters from the same family who seem to tend toward abusive men tends to suggest something in their background they may need to leave behind. Sixteenhas portrayed herself as a bright, educated young lad - and it is possible and incumbent on her to see what is going on in her and her sister's lives.
I did not repeatedly go back to Jake. I went back to him once, and I mourned over him for the rest of it, because I loved him and that's normal.
My father is a good man - he did not starve us of attention nor treat us badly.
What happened to my sister was unfortunate, but she's not stupid. She didn't know the guy, it was a friend of a friend of a friend at the party. She doesn't hang round in gangs of rapists.
Sixteen - you might need to review your own Blog from way back in August 2009 and the first hints that Jake is THE type whom will eventually hurt you - and yet off you went, in helping him hurt another woman not just the woman he was with then and returned to.
Your blog show it took some months - but eventually you and Jake were on again off again as you just could/ would not realize he wasn't good for you.
Sister
Surely a friend of a friend of a friend is a perfect stranger and your sister put herself in that drunken vulnerable situation. It does not excuse some guy being a raping asshole but it sure opens a window being with a stranger. A socialiogical look back at your sister's and your track records with guys, at least as presented in your blog alone shows she and you have put yourselves in this kind of situation before.
God I love the armchair psychologists. Lots of things are obvious in retrospect. That does not mean they were obvious at the time, or that those who made claims about those things were really coming from a place of knowledge.
Sadly I don't think Sixteen should continue posting here. There is nothing theraputic about having herself and her sister blamed for situations beyond their control. Its too bad, but the assholes and know it alls ruin it for everybody on these blogs.
Reflex you sly old dog you.
Have you hacked this account?
Are you deleting responses?
Surely Sixteen isn't!?
Sixteen – simply removing honest posts – will not make your all consuming situation go away. Facing up to it and dealing with it may.
When Reflex said ”Lots of things are obvious in retrospect. That does not mean they were obvious at the time.”
Reflex was speaking as a guy when to most of us other female readers, it was all too obvious starting way back in 2009.
When Reflex again said - There is nothing theraputic [sic] about having herself and her sister blamed for situations beyond their control. he was off the mark.
Reflex obviously does not understand what you yourself had disclosed here in I'm not sure why, but it's consuming me. I don't understand why it has me so upset, but it's triggered something inside me.. It seems pretty obvious you continues to seek “blog therapy”.
Its too bad, but the assholes and know it alls ruin it for everybody on these blogs.
Reflex is obviously just a blog voyeurism. Go back through all of his postings and see. Many of the rest of us have been on the same journey as and with you, and can therefore only reflect upon that journey. You’ve “asked” your audience at times directly and received our advice – but you continued to make the same kind of mistakes. It is time for you to really change in the area of guys and perhaps your sister will follow.
If it's not you 16 chopping this post Reflex has hacked your account.
Too many self appointed advisors and second guessers here. Prayers and best wishesfor you and sister. Britisshameless.com has some ecellent thoughts for rape victims.
Rape is never OK
I just discovered you blog last week and now that I am completely though it, just one comment:
likely your next step in life - the
<a href="http://deadspin.com/5652280/the-full-duke-university-fuck-list-thesis-from-a-former-female-student/gallery/><b> Fuckette List & U</b> </a>
Fuckette List & U
Hope you are doing ok, and your sister as well.
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