Revelation My Arse

Some revelation. 

Last night Isaiah came over. We were just hanging out, watching movies. I cooked him dinner, cause we'd both just finished work. We sat down and watched August Rush (highly recommended), and then I made him watch Sex and the City (also recommended). Except we both fell asleep on the couch while watching it. I was lying on his chest. I swear I didn't mean it in any way other than a mate falling asleep on another mate. I hadn't dressed up for him or anything. I was wearing sweatpants, my armpits were unshaven and my sinuses were full of snot. Throughout our snooze, we got closer and closer. I woke up and my head was on the middle of his chest, my arm up around his neck. His hand was on my hip, the other resting on the arm around his neck. His hand (I think it was his. I'm not sure how this whole thing started) slowly moved down onto my bum. I sighed a little and rolled closer. He brought his leg up and slipped it between mine.

I'm not really sure how we got to the next stage (I was sober, by the way, but perhaps a little dozy), but I was on top of him and his hands were on my behind, and he was kissing my neck. He went to slip his hands inside my waistband, but I pulled them up. He stopped immediately and wrapped his arms around my waist and rocked me softly.

"I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with," he said, rubbing my back. If I had half a mind I would have sent him home (he wasn't supposed to be staying the night) or gotten into my own bed, but I didn't. I stayed on top of him as he continued to rub my back, almost massaging it. Things got a bit hot and heavy again, but once again he stopped, my legs wrapped tightly over his hips.

"We can't. No protection," he said. I think that if he had said, "I have a condom," I would have lost it last night. Instead, I laughed little bit and asked quietly,

"Are you staying the night?" At three in the morning I would have thought the answer was fairly obvious.

"Yes."

"Would you like a proper bed?"

"That'd be nice." I rolled off him and got off the couch, grabbing his hand. My house was empty. I could have sent him into one of the many bedrooms with beds, but instead, I took him to mine where we both hopped into my junior single. He's over 6 ft. It was a tight fit. 

Once again, I don't know how it happened, but somehow he was on top of me and we were making out. His hands were roaming again, but I didn't mind anymore. He started rubbing me, and I lifted my hips a bit in encouragement. His hands slipped past my waistband, then into my underpants. He massaged me all the while kissing me. Then he slipped one finger inside me. Then another, and then-

"Is your nose bleeding?"

"What?" He said, his fingers slipping out of me and up to his nose. I had thought he was a bit sloppy, turns out it was blood. I got up and sneaked off to the bathroom before he found the light switch. Sure enough, blood all over my face. I washed my face and then soaked a flannel with warm water. I went back into my room and flicked the lamp on. I sat behind him and washed his face and his now bloody hands.

"How ironic that it's the guy that bleeds," he said. I chucked the flannel aside and turned the light back off.

"You can be on top this time," he joked. I lay on top of him but didn't do anything. "Your heart's beating so fast I think it might stab me."

"Maybe your nose bleeding was a sign," I said, kissing his forehead and rolling off him. I snuggled into his chest and together we fell asleep.

It was awkward when we got up. He left pretty quickly. We had a bit of a laugh, but neither of us really knew what to say. We texted each other later and agreed that it shouldn't have happened, and that we're definitely not going to tell anyone. I know I said that I didn't want to be the other woman, but to be honest, the guilt hasn't really hit me. I'm more concerned that we've lost our friendship. I don't think we have, as we're texting each other now and we're both on the same page in regards to it. We'll wait and see, I guess.

P.S. Don't comment if you're going to lecture me. It's not what I want.

Head Over Heels?

I've fallen for him. Hard. I thought it was fine, I really did.  We're just close, but I'm not actually attracted to him, I thought.

But last night when he walked into the room... His hair was freshly cut, shaved almost. He'd shaved, and was dressed in a fantastic pair of jeans and a big t-shirt. He looked fantastic. The glittering watch on his wrist complemented his look. When I saw him, my heart actually skipped a beat, and I just thought, "fuck."

He really is one of my closet friends. I called him the other night and we talked for about forty minutes. We played the secrets game, and we shared everything we could think of. I'd ask a question, and then he'd ask one. I even told him about that night with the girls. He's the only one I've ever told.

It's complicated. So, so complicated. He did consider taking my virginity, he told me so. We're both attracted to each other, we've told each other that. But we're just friends. He has a pregnant girlfriend. I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about him. But what they have is also complicated, obviously. He doesn't have the same feelings for her that he once did, but he wants to be there for the baby. He loves that baby more than anything and she hasn't even entered the world yet. And that makes me love him even more because of it.

I went to town last night and when I got home at about 4 in the morning, I got a text from him. I asked him what he was doing up, and he said, "I may have stayed up, just in case you got attacked by a serial killer or something." He actually waited up to check I was safe. And as I was leaving the party we'd both been at, I hugged him, and I hugged him close. It felt good. He felt good.

He's coming to stay the night when my parents are away and little sister is at school camp. We're going to watch movies and I'll give him the present I got him for his baby (and read him his bedtime story), I'm worried that after the drinks we plan on sharing, we'll end up messing around. A part of me really, really wants that to happen. But I'm worried about what will become of our friendship afterwards. Do I want to lose what we have to become friends with benefits? Do I want to miss out on the chance to see what those lips taste like?

I can't believe I've fallen for one of my best friends. 

The Virgin Talk

So I had a talk with him about him taking my virginity. We had a big talk, about whether he wanted to take it, and whether I wanted to give it to him. I did offer it to him, and he was unsure.

"I mean, you're a hot mack, but I'm still on that borderline... I don't know."

In the end we decided that he wouldn't take it because he couldn't "handle it if everyone was to find out," and also because we didn't want anything to come between our blossoming friendship.

To be honest, I'm a little bit disappointed. He would have been a good guy to lose it to, because he's sweet and caring and would have been a gentleman. I also don't really want to go to university a virgin... I move out in three months time, so I guess my chances of that happening are pretty slim. Would've been nice, though.

Plucking my Flower

My friend just offered to take my virginity. Not in a dodgy way, either. I'd texted him and said, "you know you're the only one for me," and he'd replied with,

"I know you're mine. I'll utilise that privilege one day soon,"

"A girl can only wait for so long."

"Maybe when you're ready. I mean, a girl's first time is pretty special."

OH MY GOD.

I'm trying to decipher whether he was serious. Then I have some thinking to do. This guy is fabulous. I love him, as both a friend and as something else. It's not exactly complicated, but it is. I can't explain what I feel for him. He also has a pregnant ex-girlfriend. They broke up mutually, and he's still going to be there for the baby.

But fuck. Quite literally. I've always thought that losing it to a friend might be nice, rather than an actual relationship. And I know he's treat me right, and take care of me. He even warned me awhile ago during one of our regular d&ms that a girl's first time "hurts like a bitch."

Hmmm.

Joining the Virgin Debate

I've read a fair few blogs on the virgin debate, and I thought that it was my duty as a virgin blogger to join in.

I am a virgin. At times, I'm ashamed to admit it, but mostly I don't really mind. Most people I'm friends with still have their V stamp, and I'm pretty sure my last boyfriend was also one.

However, I would like to lose it. I'm not waiting around for marriage. I'm not even waiting for love. What I'm looking for is (in my dreams, Jonothan Rhys Meyers) trust. I'd like to lose it to a guy who isn't going to go and tell all his mates straight away, and who won't laugh at me when I don't know what to do.

I'm not a virgin virgin. I've kissed guys (and girls), and had people feel me up. I haven't done oral or anything like that, but when I find the right guy, I know I'll be ready.