Revelation My Arse

Some revelation. 

Last night Isaiah came over. We were just hanging out, watching movies. I cooked him dinner, cause we'd both just finished work. We sat down and watched August Rush (highly recommended), and then I made him watch Sex and the City (also recommended). Except we both fell asleep on the couch while watching it. I was lying on his chest. I swear I didn't mean it in any way other than a mate falling asleep on another mate. I hadn't dressed up for him or anything. I was wearing sweatpants, my armpits were unshaven and my sinuses were full of snot. Throughout our snooze, we got closer and closer. I woke up and my head was on the middle of his chest, my arm up around his neck. His hand was on my hip, the other resting on the arm around his neck. His hand (I think it was his. I'm not sure how this whole thing started) slowly moved down onto my bum. I sighed a little and rolled closer. He brought his leg up and slipped it between mine.

I'm not really sure how we got to the next stage (I was sober, by the way, but perhaps a little dozy), but I was on top of him and his hands were on my behind, and he was kissing my neck. He went to slip his hands inside my waistband, but I pulled them up. He stopped immediately and wrapped his arms around my waist and rocked me softly.

"I don't want to do anything you're uncomfortable with," he said, rubbing my back. If I had half a mind I would have sent him home (he wasn't supposed to be staying the night) or gotten into my own bed, but I didn't. I stayed on top of him as he continued to rub my back, almost massaging it. Things got a bit hot and heavy again, but once again he stopped, my legs wrapped tightly over his hips.

"We can't. No protection," he said. I think that if he had said, "I have a condom," I would have lost it last night. Instead, I laughed little bit and asked quietly,

"Are you staying the night?" At three in the morning I would have thought the answer was fairly obvious.

"Yes."

"Would you like a proper bed?"

"That'd be nice." I rolled off him and got off the couch, grabbing his hand. My house was empty. I could have sent him into one of the many bedrooms with beds, but instead, I took him to mine where we both hopped into my junior single. He's over 6 ft. It was a tight fit. 

Once again, I don't know how it happened, but somehow he was on top of me and we were making out. His hands were roaming again, but I didn't mind anymore. He started rubbing me, and I lifted my hips a bit in encouragement. His hands slipped past my waistband, then into my underpants. He massaged me all the while kissing me. Then he slipped one finger inside me. Then another, and then-

"Is your nose bleeding?"

"What?" He said, his fingers slipping out of me and up to his nose. I had thought he was a bit sloppy, turns out it was blood. I got up and sneaked off to the bathroom before he found the light switch. Sure enough, blood all over my face. I washed my face and then soaked a flannel with warm water. I went back into my room and flicked the lamp on. I sat behind him and washed his face and his now bloody hands.

"How ironic that it's the guy that bleeds," he said. I chucked the flannel aside and turned the light back off.

"You can be on top this time," he joked. I lay on top of him but didn't do anything. "Your heart's beating so fast I think it might stab me."

"Maybe your nose bleeding was a sign," I said, kissing his forehead and rolling off him. I snuggled into his chest and together we fell asleep.

It was awkward when we got up. He left pretty quickly. We had a bit of a laugh, but neither of us really knew what to say. We texted each other later and agreed that it shouldn't have happened, and that we're definitely not going to tell anyone. I know I said that I didn't want to be the other woman, but to be honest, the guilt hasn't really hit me. I'm more concerned that we've lost our friendship. I don't think we have, as we're texting each other now and we're both on the same page in regards to it. We'll wait and see, I guess.

P.S. Don't comment if you're going to lecture me. It's not what I want.

Random Hook Ups

I blog far too frequently. I've finished school for ever, and don't go to university until March, so time is on my side. I'm also too broke to do anything, and after Saturday night, I don't want to. 

The guy got two points. He eyed me up for ages in the club before asking me to dance. Guys in clubs don't tend to do that, they just come up behind you and expect you to grind on them. He also said that I was "really pretty." Two points. Then we made out. It was revolting. He was the worst kiss I've ever had. I felt as though I was drowning, whilst also feeling as though when we broke apart, my lips would be gone. It didn't help that I was thinking of my crush (who from now I shall call Isaiah). Saturday night in town sucked hard, and I am unwilling to spend so much money on it again anytime soon.

I've also realised that I don't want random hook ups all the time. I like the thought of a regular, a sort of 'friends with benefits,' but I'm sick of hooking up with randoms who 90% of the time suck at kissing. Ashlee and I were talking about needing to find me a regular. She's found one for regular hook ups in town (but she's still into the random hook ups as well), and now it's time to find me one. It doesn't even have to be for in town. They can come over when everyone is out and we can fool around. That's be preferred, in fact.

Down There

After discovering that I was mentioned on ParadoxLost's blog (which I am honoured), I read through some of my old blogs. This one isn't particularly old, but I wanted to blog about it again, because I realise that is such a short space of time.

Yes, he touched me 'down there,' and no, at the time I didn't enjoy. However, it happened to me again recently when I went clubbing. It was a stranger this time, I'd been dancing with him for awhile, and although I probably shouldn't have let him do it, I bloody well enjoyed the way he worked his fingers.

Why did I enjoy that, but not my own boyfriend? I sat down recently to think about it. I discounted the effects of alcohol, because I'd had a lot in both episodes. I guess it might be because it had never happened to me before, and also because he seemed like such a gentleman, and I didn't really expect him to do something like that He also frequently said things like, "do you like that," or when I pulled him away, "did I get there?" like a revolting little teenager. I never knew the guy in the club before hand, and know I'll never see him again. I guess that helped a little bit. And also because I hadn't painted him into being some sort of gentleman. Guys in clubs are not gentlemen, I realised that before I put my makeup on for the night.

I'm ready for more of that sort of stuff now. All I need is to find a guy.

Admiring Men

I recently commented on Beauty of the Year's post about virginity, where I said that I didn't want to be a teenage virgin. She assured me that I'd be a "healthy sex lover in no time," - much to my relief. She also said that she's seen the way I "admire men," and she's right.

I love them. I love the way men smell, I love boys who don't wear shirts, I like the way their jokes are always so much funnier than girls' jokes. I love sporty boys' legs. I love boys who sing. I love boys who play instruments. I love their backs. I love sweaty boys. I even love cocky boys.

I do admire them. And sure, this might be distinctly anti-feminist, but I couldn't give a shit. Sure, I'm pro women's rights and all that, but I love being in the secure grip of a male. It gives me comfort to know that their hands are bigger than mine and that they can lift me up for a Hollywood kiss. I can't wait to find a man (and not a boy. A man) who can take my tiny hand in his, and wrap me in a bear hug.

Serious Snogging.

I love making out with guys. I also love it when they lift me up. I've been spoiled with my kissing. Next time I make out with someone and they don't lift me up, or can't hold my 60kgs, I'm going to be horribly disappointed.

In a couple of weeks I'm going clubbing with my friend and my sister's id. I hope there are a few hotties with which I can do some serious snogging.

Was Last Night Really Worth It?

Johnny and I went to a party last night. We were having a great time. We'd both had a little too much to drink, but I still knew what was going on.

We made out in the corner, and that I didn't mind. His hand was on my arse, but that I didn't mind either. It was when he attempted to finger fuck me that a seed of doubt about his integrity was planted in my mind. He'd stop when I told him to, but then a few minutes later he'd try again. 

When we made out by a tree, he lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around him. But then he tried to do it again. When I told him to stop he said "sorry," and I know he was.

But now I can't stop thinking about whether this is what I want. Do I want a guy that when we're drunk tries to finger fuck me? I thought I'd be ready to go all the way, but that's put me off.

He says he's sorry now that he's sober, and I do know that he means it. Is this something I'm fretting over for no reason? Is this gut feeling really just my hangover? Or, should I end it soon? Although, if I was to end it after only three weeks, the whole school would be on my back about why.

I'm really keen for advice, if I have any readers left.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

We hooked up at school the other day. Not in view of anyone, but still. I never thought I'd be the sort of person who would do that.

We have a 'secret spot,' where we go and spend our morning tea together. How cute are we? 

We're going to a party on Saturday, which supposedly is supposed to constitute as our first date. It isn't really, but I don't mind. I'm happy that I get to spend time with him.

Before we hooked up, I was scared that I wasn't attracted to him any more. I don't know why, but for some reason I just thought the buzz was gone. It relieved me that it wasn't, in part because the whole school and staff seem to know about us.

Even my dean said to me today, "Six and Johnny, up a tree."