Putting up a Wall

I can feel myself putting up walls. I've been so hurt that I don't want to be hurt again, and I'm scared to let anyone in.

But it's not just that... Jake was my first in pretty much all senses of the word. I'm scared of sleeping with another guy, having sex with another... seeing a different one naked. It's weird but I am. I'm scared. I've become so used to him that I don't know how other guys function.

I'm scared of feeling like this again. I feel humiliated and heartbroken, and it's something I don't want to feel...

So. In October I am going to do the 10k run in the city's annual race. They have a half marathon option... but 22ks is a really long run. I'm going to train for it and run it to prove to myself that I only need me. I have 55 days to train and I'm determined.

I'm also going to get my nose pierced, because I've always wanted to do it, and why not do it now?

I Miss Snuggling

And that's all I really have to say :(

Epiphany

I came to a realisation today.

That he's really hurt me. He had a right to move on, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Even if he was to come back, which I know he's not going to, I couldn't take him back. I no longer love him like I used to. I need to just focus on myself now. I'm ready to heal.

It took me a very blunt text from him that was quite harsh to make me realise that things would never be the same again. I no longer hold any hard feelings for him (for her... yeah. But that's another story). Our time together was good, and I don't want to ruin the memory of him with hate. Down the track we can be friends again.

But for now, I will just focus on me.

He's moved on to another girl.

Oh sorry, he's moved back to a girl.

The girl he broke up with for me.

That fucking bastard.

I hate him.

I know he is allowed to. But I thought he would have more respect than that. And to go to her of all people.

I guess I deserve it. He did cheat on her with me. Karma.

And the Bottle goes SMASH

Last night I did something incredibly satisfying. A physicalization of my anger, hurt and heartbreak.

As I was driving home from work, I grabbed an empty wine bottle. Then I did a drive by, and threw it out my car window and onto his driveway.

It shattered into what sounded like a million pieces, just like when my heart shattered. But this felt good. I felt so rebellious as I sped off.

It was a good release of pain. My heart was beating wildly and I can still hear the shattering in my head.

But does this make me a crazy ex now?

Does he miss me at all?

Does he ever wish I was sleeping beside him?

I miss little things, like his tracksuit pants. Being able to snuggle into him in the morning.

God it hurts.

Empty

It's nearly been a month and the wound is still fresh and open as if my heart was cut out only yesterday.

I miss him so much.

And I keep making a fool of myself through drunk texts.

I just want to see him again, be held by him again. Loved by him again.

I saw a counsellor who helped me a lot. Seeing her again on Thursday because I cannot get through this on my own. I cannot handle this constant emptiness that I feel on my own.