Doing Ok.

I'm doing ok. I wouldn't say crap, I wouldn't say great.

I'm hurting really bad. For a start, I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. Then Jake did, but now that he's fallen out of love with me, I'm scared that no one will again. I cried in the car today. But I don't cry all the time, nor am I sad all the time. So after two weeks, I think I'm doing ok.

I'm not eating my sorrows away like everyone is telling me not to. I don't desire to gorge on food. I'm more determined than ever to keep going to the gym and keep looking fantastic because I want him to know that he missed out on me. I don't want him to see me letting myself go. I won't go down that road.

Things I will miss about Being in a Relationship (not what I will miss about Him.)

• Sleeping beside someone
• Snuggles in the morning, and at night
• Regular sex
• Feeling loved and secure
• Being made to feel beautiful
• The fun
• Knowing that I had someone.

No Tears Today

I'm actually doing ok today, believe it or not. I'm not happy, but I'm not crying (haven't cried once today) and I feel like maybe one day, things will be ok.

Why did Jake break my heart? I'm not really sure. He said that he loved me, but it's not in the way he used to and he can't go on anymore. He's got so much on his plate right now and he can't handle a relationship, especially one where his feelings have changed. There is nothing I did, nothing went wrong in the relationship. He just changed, and there's nothing I could do about it. I asked him if I should wait around for something that may or may not happen, and he told me that it would be selfish of him to ask me to wait when he doesn't know how he feels. I took that to mean "move on, it's over forever," but there is still a part of me that hopes we can fix this.

It hurts to know that he will never sleep beside me again, that I will never kiss his lips again. The movies we planned on seeing together I will now have to see with someone else, and the restaurants we wanted to try will have to be tried with someone else, or alone.

Tomorrow I'm taking his stuff back, plus a few things he gave me that I don't want because they hold to much meaning. I wrote him a letter that thanks him for all the good times we shared over the past ten-and-a-bit months, but I'm not sure if I'll give it to him, because I don't want to seem like I'm begging for him to take me back (which I'm not), but I don't want him to forget me.

I will never forget him, because he was my first almost everything.

Pain

I thought that heartbreak would be a full body ache, but turns out it's not. It's all in my head and I can't get it out. I'm in so much pain that I want to physicalize it just so I can feel something.

My younger sister has come down to stay with me for a couple of days to keep me distracted, which is great. When she's gone I'll blog about what happened. Not that I really know. My lack of understanding of 'why' only makes the pain more unbearable. I just hope that soon he wakes up and realises what a fool he was, and how much he needs me in his life

The worst part is at night, when the thoughts of us ravage my brain, and in the morning when I wake up and go to text him, and then realise that I shouldn't.

I don't want to wake up.

Broken Hearts

Jake broke up with me. I hope you're all happy, you were right, it didn't last.

My heart is broken into a million and one pieces.

Suspenders and Making Love

Last night I played the role of the seductress. I took Jake out to dinner so that the both of us could celebrate the end of exams - I finished that morning, he in the afternoon. The dinner was lovely, I had a combination of lamb sausages and a lamb steak, he had his usual, the scotch fillet.

What else was lovely was the underwear I was wearing underneath the black, figure hugging dress I had on - which got me a well deserved "you look very beautiful tonight." The underwear - a white lacy bra and a g-string with a little skirt and suspenders was not the most comfortable of underwear, but I'd been wanting to try out the idea for awhile now, and it was only $20.

When we got home I got out of the black dress and wrapped on a kimono, and then slowly undressed myself for him, and needless to say it was quite the turn on for him. I got on top of him as he admired the underwear - he wanted me to leave the stockings on, which I happily did.

Last night we made love, and it was wonderful. And yes, we actually made love. I know the difference between just having sex and making love. It was slow, sensual and passionate and it felt like our bodies were one. There was no race to finish and we took our time. It was a wonderful end to a wonderful evening.

Dream Kitchen

I know many will balk at my dreams of becoming a domestic goddess, but lately all I can think about is my dream kitchen. A large, homely kitchen in which my baking creations and dinner masterpieces will come to life. A preparation bench in the middle of the kitchen with granite tops. An oven and a grill, and a separate stovetop. A large pantry, and a set of shelves to store jars of spices. After seeing Carrie and Miranda buying spices in the second Sex and the City Movie, I imagined how cool it would be to have jars of spices and dried herbs on display. I love to put extra things in my foods, so as well as being pretty, they'd be practical, too.

P.S. I bought some chocolate body paint the other day. I will tell you about my experiences with it once I test it out!