It's been awhile, and this isn't necessarily a re-beginning, but it's somewhere that I feel safe coming to write this all down. Someone said writing it would help me, whether anyone reads it or not, so here I am, despite having ended this blog a little while ago now.
Basically, I'm going to write everything that's happened and hope that it helps to clear the thoughts that are blocking out my mind.
I met the Comedian (although he is not what this story is about tonight) at an event I went to. Realising I knew his father, I decided to introduce myself. I took a liking to him, and we ended up meeting up in town later that night. I spent the night in his hotel room, and it was supposed to just be a fabulous one nighter that marked the end of Jake and a new beginning. However, we had a connection, and for a couple of months, tried to make it work. I was travelling regulary back to my home city where he lived to stay with him. It soon became apparent that it was just not going to work between us. He couldn't commit to a relationship when his career was so crazy, especially one that was long distance. I was happy with that, because it was getting annoying wondering when I was going to see him next. We ended it mutually, which was cool because we could still be friends.
I turned twenty last week, and went home to celebrate. Before I returned though, my little sister texted me, asking if she could go on a contraceptive. I tried to convince her not to, because it's quite a commitment. The reason, she finally confessed to me, was that she had been raped at a party she went to. She wanted to go on it so that if it ever happened again, at least she would be safe from pregnancy. I can't believe this has happened to her. She told me they were drunk, and although she had wanted to give him a blow job, she hadn't wanted to have sex with him, but he pushed her into the bushes and got inside her for a bit. It hurts me so much that another man has hurt her so badly. Her last boy was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She's only just begun to admit to us the truth of how he treated her, although we'd always had our fears. And now this? Although I know that this happened in circumstances beyond my control, I cannot help but be wrenched with guilt at not being able to protect my little sister. She is so strong and has already been through so much. I'm incredibly scared that something else might destroy her.
I went up to my hometown with my best friend. We went shopping and then checked into our hotel. Some of my friends from high school joined us, where we proceeded to get awfully drunk. It's my birthday, I'm allowed. The Comedian joined us in a bar with his friend and we hung out for awhile. Not remembering how it happened, he ended up coming back with me to our room, where we proceeded to have drunk sex in the shower and then snuggled on the fold out bed. I went to his show the next night, and then the night after went to his house for a snuggle. It was nice, but I'm not trying to kid myself into thinking we're back into a relationship.
The day I had to return to my flat, I cried and cried to my mother. I hate it there, I told her. She said to me that it's only gotten bad since Jake and I finished. Although I'm over him, there is still a connection to him because of the time we spent together. She told me only time would heal it. I cried the whole drive back, over that, and over what happened to my sister.
I cannot stop thinking about what happened to her. I'm not sure why, but it's consuming me. I don't understand why it has me so upset, but it's triggered something inside me. I feel on the verge of tears a lot now. Seeing sad things on the television is enough to bring tears to my eyes, when normally I would just say "oh that's sad." I feel guilty that I can't protect her, that I can't stop people from hurting her. If this could have happened to me instead, then I wish it had. I don't want her to feel pain.
