Sixteen Secrets

The End pt. 2

2011-11-12T16:53:00.002+13:00

Just over a year ago I surrendered this blog to spammers, and had forgotten about it until Reflex commented.

This is not me reinstating my blog, I've moved on from it and couldn't imagine starting it up again. However, just in case there are a few of you still out there, I will update you on what happened this year, not in any detail, but just so you know how my life has changed.

My little sister has turned into an amazing young woman and is off to university next year, and I am very, very proud of her.

I had a tough start to 2011, sinking into a black hole towards the end of 2010. Living by myself and not feeling very happy, I attempted suicide in January.

Luckily for me, I am appalling at suicide attempts and am still here, and the happiest I have ever been. I have been in a relationship with a man for the past seven months who has never once made me feel anything less than what I am and what I deserve to be. I can honestly say that I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.

I have finished my undergraduate studies and will now be moving onto postgrad next year.

That is it, I do not wish to develop on these events anymore, but I hope that they have given you something to go off.

At the least, to the few of you who followed my blog, you can know that I am happy, so very very happy.

Thank you all for reading.

She's Been Through Too Much

2010-11-06T21:44:00.002+13:00

It's been awhile, and this isn't necessarily a re-beginning, but it's somewhere that I feel safe coming to write this all down. Someone said writing it would help me, whether anyone reads it or not, so here I am, despite having ended this blog a little while ago now.

Basically, I'm going to write everything that's happened and hope that it helps to clear the thoughts that are blocking out my mind.

I met the Comedian (although he is not what this story is about tonight) at an event I went to. Realising I knew his father, I decided to introduce myself. I took a liking to him, and we ended up meeting up in town later that night. I spent the night in his hotel room, and it was supposed to just be a fabulous one nighter that marked the end of Jake and a new beginning. However, we had a connection, and for a couple of months, tried to make it work. I was travelling regulary back to my home city where he lived to stay with him. It soon became apparent that it was just not going to work between us. He couldn't commit to a relationship when his career was so crazy, especially one that was long distance. I was happy with that, because it was getting annoying wondering when I was going to see him next. We ended it mutually, which was cool because we could still be friends.

I turned twenty last week, and went home to celebrate. Before I returned though, my little sister texted me, asking if she could go on a contraceptive. I tried to convince her not to, because it's quite a commitment. The reason, she finally confessed to me, was that she had been raped at a party she went to. She wanted to go on it so that if it ever happened again, at least she would be safe from pregnancy. I can't believe this has happened to her. She told me they were drunk, and although she had wanted to give him a blow job, she hadn't wanted to have sex with him, but he pushed her into the bushes and got inside her for a bit. It hurts me so much that another man has hurt her so badly. Her last boy was abusive, both physically and emotionally. She's only just begun to admit to us the truth of how he treated her, although we'd always had our fears. And now this? Although I know that this happened in circumstances beyond my control, I cannot help but be wrenched with guilt at not being able to protect my little sister. She is so strong and has already been through so much. I'm incredibly scared that something else might destroy her.

I went up to my hometown with my best friend. We went shopping and then checked into our hotel. Some of my friends from high school joined us, where we proceeded to get awfully drunk. It's my birthday, I'm allowed. The Comedian joined us in a bar with his friend and we hung out for awhile. Not remembering how it happened, he ended up coming back with me to our room, where we proceeded to have drunk sex in the shower and then snuggled on the fold out bed. I went to his show the next night, and then the night after went to his house for a snuggle. It was nice, but I'm not trying to kid myself into thinking we're back into a relationship.

The day I had to return to my flat, I cried and cried to my mother. I hate it there, I told her. She said to me that it's only gotten bad since Jake and I finished. Although I'm over him, there is still a connection to him because of the time we spent together. She told me only time would heal it. I cried the whole drive back, over that, and over what happened to my sister.

I cannot stop thinking about what happened to her. I'm not sure why, but it's consuming me. I don't understand why it has me so upset, but it's triggered something inside me. I feel on the verge of tears a lot now. Seeing sad things on the television is enough to bring tears to my eyes, when normally I would just say "oh that's sad." I feel guilty that I can't protect her, that I can't stop people from hurting her. If this could have happened to me instead, then I wish it had. I don't want her to feel pain.

The End

2010-09-24T17:46:00.002+12:00

So, as we can see, I haven't updated in awhile.

This is because I no longer feel like it. I realise I had stopped being truly honest with my blog, because I was scared that people would judge me, therefore defeating the purpose of a blog.

For example, I don't think I ever told my readers that Jake told me that he would no longer find me attractive if I put on weight. That he often made me feel like I was in the wrong, when I'd never even done anything.

This blog has been so much fun, and I have loved it. I have grown up through it, and it's been my diary over the past few years. In a way I'm sad that it has to end, but I don't enjoy it like I used to.

I feel good about myself now. I've felt better about myself than I have in a long time.

I am seeing someone - the guy I had the one night stand with, guess it wasn't so one nighter after all. I'm taking it slowly and casually, not willing to leap into anything too serious.

I hope you have all enjoyed reading my blog. I'll be twenty in about a month, so I think now is a good time to end it, considering I started it just before I turned seventeen.

Thanks for reading, I wish you all great happiness in the future.

2010-08-28T23:59:00.001+12:00

Email arguments with Jake.

I am fabulous.

My first one night stand.

All coming up... when I can be bothered, and get the time to do so.

The Return to Me-ness.

2010-08-19T16:35:00.003+12:00

I've realised he isn't worth my tears.

After this breakup I have been humiliated and hurt.

But not anymore. I'm ditching the antidepressants that I got put on. I can do this on my own.

In a few weeks, I'm going to go on my own personal spiritual retreat. A book, some good movies, good food, and a notebook to write everything down.

I will be whole again.

Tell Me...

2010-08-14T14:28:00.001+12:00

Tell me the tale of your first heartbreak. Tell me how you felt. Tell me how it happened, tell me why it happened.

Tell me how you learned to let go and become yourself again, to accept who you are without them.

Tell me so I can learn.

Roller Coaster Ride - LET ME OFF!

2010-08-12T09:17:00.003+12:00

I'm doing well, and then I'm doing bad. It's an up and down crazy roller coaster ride and I just want to get off of it and be normal again.

Yesterday morning I had some form of a panic attack. I went to the campus nurses who booked me in to see the doctor. She thinks I have a case of mild reactive depression, which is okay for the moment because I'm still in the time frame for feeling like shit. But if I'm still like this a month down the track, then maybe we need to think about medication. I had blood tests taken to see if my iron levels were still normal because I haven't been able to eat properly since we broke up.

Last night I got served by the girl he's... whatever he's doing with her. I was really cool, calm and collected and I felt so proud of myself. I thought I was on the road to recovery, nearly ready to be friends again.

Today I went to the gym and haven't been able to control myself since. I miss him so much, and there's this big void he was that I'm trying to fill up. It's hard because I know his void (if there even was one) has been filled with another girl while my heart is still broken. Not only did I lose the man that I loved but I also lost my best guy-friend. I can't wait for the day where we can be friends again, but maybe it's further off than I thought.

I looked in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I don't like me anymore. I want to be fixed.

Putting up a Wall

2010-08-09T10:17:00.003+12:00

I can feel myself putting up walls. I've been so hurt that I don't want to be hurt again, and I'm scared to let anyone in.

But it's not just that... Jake was my first in pretty much all senses of the word. I'm scared of sleeping with another guy, having sex with another... seeing a different one naked. It's weird but I am. I'm scared. I've become so used to him that I don't know how other guys function.

I'm scared of feeling like this again. I feel humiliated and heartbroken, and it's something I don't want to feel...

So. In October I am going to do the 10k run in the city's annual race. They have a half marathon option... but 22ks is a really long run. I'm going to train for it and run it to prove to myself that I only need me. I have 55 days to train and I'm determined.

I'm also going to get my nose pierced, because I've always wanted to do it, and why not do it now?

I Miss Snuggling

2010-08-08T10:37:00.001+12:00

And that's all I really have to say :(

Epiphany

2010-08-05T18:25:00.003+12:00

I came to a realisation today.

That he's really hurt me. He had a right to move on, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Even if he was to come back, which I know he's not going to, I couldn't take him back. I no longer love him like I used to. I need to just focus on myself now. I'm ready to heal.

It took me a very blunt text from him that was quite harsh to make me realise that things would never be the same again. I no longer hold any hard feelings for him (for her... yeah. But that's another story). Our time together was good, and I don't want to ruin the memory of him with hate. Down the track we can be friends again.

But for now, I will just focus on me.

2010-08-04T19:29:00.003+12:00

He's moved on to another girl.

Oh sorry, he's moved back to a girl.

The girl he broke up with for me.

That fucking bastard.

I hate him.

I know he is allowed to. But I thought he would have more respect than that. And to go to her of all people.

I guess I deserve it. He did cheat on her with me. Karma.

And the Bottle goes SMASH

2010-08-02T20:05:00.002+12:00

Last night I did something incredibly satisfying. A physicalization of my anger, hurt and heartbreak.

As I was driving home from work, I grabbed an empty wine bottle. Then I did a drive by, and threw it out my car window and onto his driveway.

It shattered into what sounded like a million pieces, just like when my heart shattered. But this felt good. I felt so rebellious as I sped off.

It was a good release of pain. My heart was beating wildly and I can still hear the shattering in my head.

But does this make me a crazy ex now?

2010-08-02T12:51:00.002+12:00

Does he miss me at all?

Does he ever wish I was sleeping beside him?

I miss little things, like his tracksuit pants. Being able to snuggle into him in the morning.

God it hurts.

Empty

2010-08-01T10:22:00.001+12:00

It's nearly been a month and the wound is still fresh and open as if my heart was cut out only yesterday.

I miss him so much.

And I keep making a fool of myself through drunk texts.

I just want to see him again, be held by him again. Loved by him again.

I saw a counsellor who helped me a lot. Seeing her again on Thursday because I cannot get through this on my own. I cannot handle this constant emptiness that I feel on my own.

2010-07-25T17:53:00.000+12:00

I don't think he's going to come back for me.

And that hurts.

Whoops?

2010-07-23T17:09:00.003+12:00

We talked for over two hours online.

I went round to his house and we talked some more.

Then we kissed and talked. He said he just needed time. And if and when he was ready come for me, "and I will fight for you." I said I couldn't wait when he didn't know how much time it would take, and if he wouldn't be sure. He said he didn't expect me to wait. But now I'm hopeful again. Yes I know it's bad.

Then we had sex... but it felt like making love. But I cried afterwards. He was lovely, "baby, baby it's ok. Don't think about it." I stayed the night.

Yes, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it will fix things. It probably won't.

No more to say.

I Done a Bad Thing...

2010-07-22T08:56:00.000+12:00

And took a massive step backwards.

Sense of Relief?

2010-07-21T18:54:00.002+12:00

His number is finally gone from my phone. I felt half sad, half relived when it was gone, but as each day goes by (i.e all two of them) and I can't text him, I feel a lot stronger. It's also satisfying to think that he's probably noticed me not texting him, and I'd like to think he's a little bit sad about it.

When I still had his number, I'd asked him to bring around a dvd of mine that I'd forgotten to get when I first went round. I just went around to get it, and was really relieved to see that he wasn't there. I left him a note:

"It's obviously too difficult for you to bring my stuff round, so I came round to get it myself to save you the hassle of having to see me. Also, I took my condoms back. It may seem petty but the thought of you using them with number eleven when I bought them for us to make love with doesn't enthrall me. - Six"

I was impressed with myself. Sure, the condom comment didn't really need to be made, but I didn't beg him to take me back. I didn't tell him I missed him. It was blunt and kind of rude, but not directly rude. I felt relieved.

I was also pleased to see when I was in his room that my birthday card was still there, and the sippy cup he'd bought for me on our first date that I'd subsequently returned was still sitting on his desk. I was tempted to snoop around a bit further but managed to restrain myself.

Yes, I do hope he gets into contact about it, but I know he won't. I don't mind, I feel relieved.

In a Happy Place?

2010-07-19T21:14:00.003+12:00

I wrote this a couple of hours ago. Writing it down made me feel better, and I no longer feel like how I describe. For now, anyway.

Tonight the pain is unbearable. I'm in so much pain that I have a suicide prevention number saved in my phone, and beside me a box of sinus painkillers where it tells me that in case of an overdose, go straight to the hospital. I forgot the cooking wine from the pantry, though, which is probably going to save my life tonight.

Why is tonight so hard for me? Why do I want to die tonight? I'm not a hundred percent sure. Today would have been eleven months for us, but I felt fine this morning. It wasn't until my last class that I started to deteriorate. I texted him. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. A big long text message. I asked if he missed me. His reply cut me,

"I do miss you. Not enough to get like you, but I do. It is different without you but I adjust."

If he misses me, why can't he take me back? I know I'm going to get over this, but right now it hurts more than I can describe. I asked if he would come and see me, but of course he wouldn't. I miss him so much. I just want to be held by hi, to be loved by him. I miss waking up next to him. The space under his arm where I fit perfectly. How he used to snuggle me when he would come into my room late at night.

I ran away tonight. I'm at my happy place. He's the only one who knows where it is, if he can remember. I won't stay out here too long. But here I can cry all I like without disturbing anyone. Here I can ring the hot line without anyone hearing. Here I can end it all without anyone stopping me.

Doing Ok.

2010-07-18T20:07:00.002+12:00

I'm doing ok. I wouldn't say crap, I wouldn't say great.

I'm hurting really bad. For a start, I never believed that someone would fall in love with me. Then Jake did, but now that he's fallen out of love with me, I'm scared that no one will again. I cried in the car today. But I don't cry all the time, nor am I sad all the time. So after two weeks, I think I'm doing ok.

I'm not eating my sorrows away like everyone is telling me not to. I don't desire to gorge on food. I'm more determined than ever to keep going to the gym and keep looking fantastic because I want him to know that he missed out on me. I don't want him to see me letting myself go. I won't go down that road.

Things I will miss about Being in a Relationship (not what I will miss about Him.)

2010-07-11T22:49:00.003+12:00

Sleeping beside someone
Snuggles in the morning, and at night
Regular sex
Feeling loved and secure
Being made to feel beautiful
The fun
Knowing that I had someone.

No Tears Today

2010-07-10T13:56:00.002+12:00

I'm actually doing ok today, believe it or not. I'm not happy, but I'm not crying (haven't cried once today) and I feel like maybe one day, things will be ok.

Why did Jake break my heart? I'm not really sure. He said that he loved me, but it's not in the way he used to and he can't go on anymore. He's got so much on his plate right now and he can't handle a relationship, especially one where his feelings have changed. There is nothing I did, nothing went wrong in the relationship. He just changed, and there's nothing I could do about it. I asked him if I should wait around for something that may or may not happen, and he told me that it would be selfish of him to ask me to wait when he doesn't know how he feels. I took that to mean "move on, it's over forever," but there is still a part of me that hopes we can fix this.

It hurts to know that he will never sleep beside me again, that I will never kiss his lips again. The movies we planned on seeing together I will now have to see with someone else, and the restaurants we wanted to try will have to be tried with someone else, or alone.

Tomorrow I'm taking his stuff back, plus a few things he gave me that I don't want because they hold to much meaning. I wrote him a letter that thanks him for all the good times we shared over the past ten-and-a-bit months, but I'm not sure if I'll give it to him, because I don't want to seem like I'm begging for him to take me back (which I'm not), but I don't want him to forget me.

I will never forget him, because he was my first almost everything.

Pain

2010-07-08T09:16:00.002+12:00

I thought that heartbreak would be a full body ache, but turns out it's not. It's all in my head and I can't get it out. I'm in so much pain that I want to physicalize it just so I can feel something.

My younger sister has come down to stay with me for a couple of days to keep me distracted, which is great. When she's gone I'll blog about what happened. Not that I really know. My lack of understanding of 'why' only makes the pain more unbearable. I just hope that soon he wakes up and realises what a fool he was, and how much he needs me in his life

The worst part is at night, when the thoughts of us ravage my brain, and in the morning when I wake up and go to text him, and then realise that I shouldn't.

I don't want to wake up.

Broken Hearts

2010-07-06T20:56:00.001+12:00

Jake broke up with me. I hope you're all happy, you were right, it didn't last.

My heart is broken into a million and one pieces.

Suspenders and Making Love

2010-06-22T14:10:00.003+12:00

Last night I played the role of the seductress. I took Jake out to dinner so that the both of us could celebrate the end of exams - I finished that morning, he in the afternoon. The dinner was lovely, I had a combination of lamb sausages and a lamb steak, he had his usual, the scotch fillet.

What else was lovely was the underwear I was wearing underneath the black, figure hugging dress I had on - which got me a well deserved "you look very beautiful tonight." The underwear - a white lacy bra and a g-string with a little skirt and suspenders was not the most comfortable of underwear, but I'd been wanting to try out the idea for awhile now, and it was only $20.

When we got home I got out of the black dress and wrapped on a kimono, and then slowly undressed myself for him, and needless to say it was quite the turn on for him. I got on top of him as he admired the underwear - he wanted me to leave the stockings on, which I happily did.

Last night we made love, and it was wonderful. And yes, we actually made love. I know the difference between just having sex and making love. It was slow, sensual and passionate and it felt like our bodies were one. There was no race to finish and we took our time. It was a wonderful end to a wonderful evening.

Dream Kitchen

2010-06-16T20:10:00.003+12:00

I know many will balk at my dreams of becoming a domestic goddess, but lately all I can think about is my dream kitchen. A large, homely kitchen in which my baking creations and dinner masterpieces will come to life. A preparation bench in the middle of the kitchen with granite tops. An oven and a grill, and a separate stovetop. A large pantry, and a set of shelves to store jars of spices. After seeing Carrie and Miranda buying spices in the second Sex and the City Movie, I imagined how cool it would be to have jars of spices and dried herbs on display. I love to put extra things in my foods, so as well as being pretty, they'd be practical, too.

P.S. I bought some chocolate body paint the other day. I will tell you about my experiences with it once I test it out!

2010-06-13T20:11:00.000+12:00

So I haven't posted in awhile, it's crunch time. I'm pretending to study for exams, so blogs haven't been at the forefront of my mind lately.

Go see the A Team. It was a fun movie.

That is all.

Me and My Body

2010-05-31T19:17:00.003+12:00

Wow! I wasn't aware that my post would create so much discussion. It's always interesting to hear what other people think. To the anonymous reader who suggested I switch to Mac - did it years ago, and once you go Mac, you never go back.

Before I get on to today's post, I just want to tell you all that my current plan is to head over to Africa at the end of 2011 for just under a month to celebrate my 21st birthday. That is if I can get the $12,000 it's going to cost me together in time.

Today I realised that I am happy with how I look. I've never been one of those people who's been dissatisfied, but today I realised that I'm truly happy with my body. I go to the gym, and the work I put in paid off. I've trimmed weight of my thighs and stomach, and so I'm really confident with wearing pretty much whatever I want.

Our university magazine has started putting pictures of a "babe" each week. Last week was a gorgeous girl in her underwear. When I commented that I thought it was derogatory and just made the uni mag look like FHM, someone said I was jealous.

"Well no, I'm not," I thought to myself. My body is just as good as hers, and I'll pose for Jake in my underwear and less, but I won't do it for anyone else (other than for the internet, where I'm anonymous but you know what I'm getting at here), because it's something that's sacred, and I don't believe that you should take all your clothes off for the whole university campus to see.

As Good As It Gets?

2010-05-26T12:51:00.002+12:00

What if this is it for me?

What if all I ever am is a high achiever who never goes out and is generally boring? What if that's me for the rest of my life? I'm young and I'm supposed to be out living, but I'm not. I'm in my room doing work, or going to work. I don't really want to go out and have fun. I've become an old bag lady and I'm only nineteen.

Birthday

2010-05-18T19:56:00.002+12:00

On Thursday it's Jake's birthday.

Say hello to his fantasy -a school teacher dressed in a pencil skirt and blouse, stay up fish net stockings and knee high boots.

Scars Revealed

2010-05-10T20:42:00.002+12:00

Before I start this blog: no, the last one was not about Jake cheating on me. I was honestly talking about a friend. If he cheated, this is the first place I'd post.

Remember a long time ago when I cut myself? I'm trying to find the blog where I wrote about it, but can't. For those of you that haven't read this blog the whole way through, awhile ago I was feeling very down and out, and I cut myself. Four tiny cuts on the edge of my left arm. I only did it the once, and never told anybody about it.

Until today. Jake and I were watching Skins (he's addicted - I don't really enjoy it very much, too much drugs and sex for me). The episode was about one of the characters and her being manic depressive. She locked herself in the bathroom and sliced open her wrists. For some reason - even though I never went that far, and never felt that extreme - it got to me and I started tearing up. A lot. Jake looked at me, and once he did it was all over and I was sobbing. He paused the show and held me,

"Baby, baby what's wrong?" I was crying so much that I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe.

"Big breaths, Six, nice and slow. What's wrong?" Every time he asked me, I would start crying again. I felt stupid, but I couldn't help it. Eventually he figured it out.

"Please tell me you never did that to yourself." A single nod and the tears came pouring out again, but I managed to vaguely explain.

"Never like that. Only. Only once."

"You don't ever have to do that. You would leave so many people behind who care for you. Promise me you'll never do it again."

He wanted to know why. Most importantly, he wanted to know that I was happy now, that I didn't feel that way anymore.

I told him that he was the first person I told, and that no one else knew.

"I'm glad you told me, and no one else ever has to know. It can be a secret between the two of us." I nodded, crying at random intervals for the next couple of hours.

Telling him made me realise that I never really dealt with how I had been feeling at the time. Sure, I never wanted to actually take my own life, but I wasn't happy, and everything seemed to be against me. Telling him was the first release of it I've had.

Cheater?

2010-05-04T13:29:00.002+12:00

What constitutes as cheating to you? If your girlfriend or boyfriend so much as looks at another, does that make you suspicious?

What about kissing? If you found out that your significant other had kissed someone that wasn't you, how would you feel?

And sex? If you found out that they'd slept with another, would that be the be all and end all, or would you work through it and overcome it?

My friend kissed another girl that wasn't his girlfriend. To me, this is cheating. It's not the worst kind of cheating, but it's still pretty bad. If I found out that Jake had done that to me, he'd have to do a lot of work to get our relationship back on track, and I think I'd always harbour suspicion. I spoke to Jake about it, and asked if he thought it was cheating, and he said that a kiss was hardly anything.

"So if I kissed another guy you wouldn't care?"

"No of course I would. I'd be really mad, but it wouldn't be the end of the world." I told him that he better not ever do that to me or else the trust in our relationship would be broken.

The worst kind of cheating to me though is emotional cheating. If they did it once, never again, you could forgive them. But to find out that they'd been having a continuous affair with the same person, that they actually cared about them? Heartbreaking.

What's your stance?

2010-05-02T15:53:00.000+12:00

I came on here to post a blog, but promptly forgot what I was going to write about.

A Right to Happiness

2010-04-22T11:38:00.002+12:00

My friend recently got into a relationship with a 29 year old man who lives in Australia. She is so happy with him, despite the age gap (she being just 19), that she is seriously considering moving to Australia next year to live with him.

Everyone is worried about the relationship, with him being so much older than her, settled into his life and obviously the distance between him. A lot of people have been trying to talk her out of such a relationship, encouraging her to find someone her own age and perhaps closer to home. I'm not going to deny that I too am worried about it. I worry that if she drops everything and move to Australia, something will go horribly wrong and she'll be all alone with no support.

Then I realised, who are we to impede on her happiness? She told me that she's never been so happy, and although at the moment the distance is annoying, she gets to go to Australia every holidays to see him, and he frequently flies over here (originally being a kiwi himself). If she's happy, why should we try and stop her? I've decided that I'll support her in what she wants to do, but I'm encouraging her to take it slow and not to rush into anything, which she has agreed - she too knows the risks.

She's not very happy in her flat, and I'd love to live with her next year, so I told her not to worry if she thinks moving to Australia is her only option, because it's not. She's well aware that every time they see each other, they're in holiday mode, and so she's planning on spending the summer over the ditch before she makes any decisions.

At the end of the day, I just want her to be happy, and if that happiness will come to her by moving to Australia, then good for her. I'll be here for her whether she moves or stays.

To Chop or Not to Chop?

2010-04-12T14:42:00.002+12:00

For the past year, I've grown my hair own from a very short, Rihanna style haircut. However, now I'm thinking about chopping it all off again. This is my problem, I get sick of it short, but by the time I've grown it out again, I'm ready to get rid of it.

So, to chop or not to chop?

13 Year Old Boys

2010-04-09T13:40:00.002+12:00

It's holidays at the moment - although with two assignments and a test to study for, it's hardly the holidays - and for the past week, I've been staying at Jake's because we were the only ones in each of our flats not returning home, so it made sense to combine for food and such. His little brother was also coming to stay, and he thought it would be cool if we could all hang out.

His little brother is 13. And was pretty darn annoying. He didn't help with the dishes, didn't even offer to help. Mostly, he played PlayStation. In fact, all he did was play PlayStation. I managed to get him to watch the news at 6 and then Family Guy, but after that, it was back to PlayStation. And then some more.

He'd get up early just to play it. Jake woke up early one morning to find him playing it. He sent him back to bed, where he promptly fell asleep for another couple of hours. Then he got up. And played some more.

Crazy.

I don't understand 13 year old boys.

2010-04-03T19:22:00.001+13:00

It's not so much my lack of inspiration for this blog that's preventing me from posting, it's a lack of time. Work, uni, friends... it's all taking it's toll on this blog. Bare with me.

Mood Swings

2010-03-30T08:25:00.002+13:00

I've been switching moods very rapidly lately, and I don't know why. I'm starting to wonder if something else might be wrong with me on a deeper level.

I'll be happy one minute, but then I'll get a text, or I'll realise that I have stuff I need to get done (nothing life threatening nor particularly urgent), and I'll lose that happiness. It's not extreme, I don't go from giddy happy to a crying wreck, but I do lose that happiness and start stressing about everything, and Jake says it's starting to get frustrating because my moods are so unpredictable.

Does anyone know how I can manage this?

Flatties

2010-03-18T13:11:00.002+13:00

I'm putting this blog on probation. I'm going to keep posting, but if I'm still sick of it in a month, I shall write a final hurrah and let you all get back to your lives.

I've been flatting for over a month now, and it's getting to that point where the honeymoon period is starting to wear off and you become irritated at your flatties. There are two brothers who don't put their lunch and breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, and think that soaking and rinsing the electric frying pan is enough to clean it. Which obviously means that whoever uses it next has to clean it again. They also make the same dishes again and again. I've eaten sausages more times than I can count since having moved out. Seriously, it's not that hard to cook. Learn.

Then there's the girl who leaves the tv on when she leaves the room and no one else is home. In fact, she'll go to class and leave the tv on. I seem to be the only one with a concern about saving power. I'm all for leaving a couple of lights on for security when we go out, but seeing everyone leave their fans on all day while they're in class really pisses me off.

I'm sure I'm not perfect. In fact I know the brothers don't like me because I'm the only one willing to tell them to clean up after themselves. It would be nice to get a little support, but the other girl in the flat said that "you're the only one who's allowed to be a bitch." I don't want to be the bitch, and wouldn't be if other people would say things once in a while rather than just complaining when they're not around.

Advice, Please

2010-03-13T14:01:00.002+13:00

I'm getting sick of this blog. I feel as though I've run out of things to write, and I suspect my readers are bored.

I need to know if anyone wants me to keep going or not.

Silk Scarves

2010-03-09T14:09:00.003+13:00

Last night I tied Jake to the bed and teased him relentlessly with my body and tongue until I rode him into a state of ecstasy. Needless to say, it was a whole lot of fun for us both.

The last two times we've had sex, he's had the most amazing orgasms. He said that they're full body experiences, that they feel so good that it almost hurts. I must have developed a magic touch.

Wonderful Afternoon

2010-02-27T19:17:00.002+13:00

Ok, I'm pretty low on blog topics at the moment. I know as soon as I post this, I'll get rude comments about Jake, but for my supporters out there, I wanted to share the lovely afternoon I had yesterday.

I was pretty hungover yesterday, and to make matters worse, there was a little accident involving a water bottle and my phone, which meant that the screen had stopped working. I had work at 5, and not being a car owner, I had to bus in, so I had no time for a nap.

I mentioned all of this to Jake, and he texted me back and said,

"I'll come over, you can have a nap and then I'll drop you at work." I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to and I didn't put up that much of a fight.

He turned up twenty minutes later with KFC in his hands, knowing that I was craving something fatty for the hangover. We ate, and then he held me in his arms as I had a nap. He rubbed my back as I snuggled against his warm body. He then woke me up and took me to work.

It wasn't much but his thoughtfulness was so wonderful, especially as we hadn't spent too much time together recently because we've been busy with setting our flats up and getting jobs. I was hungover as hell, but it was a wonderful afternoon.

2010-02-27T08:49:00.001+13:00

I'm lazy with my updates because I'm not sure what to write about anymore.

The Durex Vibrating Ring

2010-02-23T17:02:00.003+13:00

So, test drove this the other day with Jake. We were both curious about it, and when I saw them on special the other day, I bought one to try out.

It's a little rubber ring that you slip over your man's shaft, and it stretches to accommodate his size. The battery bit, the part that vibrates, needs to be facing up as to stimulate the clitoris, which I found a bit annoying because when we changed from missionary to doggy, I had to turn it around so it stimulated the right area. You hit the little purple button and you get 20 minutes of steady vibrations.

I enjoyed the ring, don't get me wrong, but I was a little disappointed with it. Jake enjoyed it, and thought it was a lot of fun. I was expecting it to make me climax a lot easier, but it didn't. I think this was because it was just a steady stream of vibrations, rather than constantly changing tempos or pulsating. This seemed to just numb me in a way, and after awhile it wasn't really doing anything.

Although it was fun, I don't think I'd rush out to buy it again in a hurry. Perhaps anyone can recommend other brands that pulsate or vibrate infrequently? It certainly changed up the bedroom activities, which perhaps was more exciting than the actual product itself. Has anyone else had a similar experience with these?

Home Alone

2010-02-19T21:42:00.003+13:00

I'm home alone in this house for the first and probably last time. I want you to get your butt over here right now so we can shower together and make all the noise we like as we test out the vibrating ring I bought the other day and the studded condoms that it came with.

New Home

2010-02-16T10:57:00.002+13:00

Goodness, I took my time posting, didn't I? My apologies. I've been really busy getting ready and then moving into my new FLAT!!

Imagine a run down, 1950's bungalow that's had a million students go through it. That's my flat. I'm living in the sleepout though, sharing it with one other person. It's quite a nice little room, and it's all MINE, which is great. I have a queen size bed, for the first time in my life, so it's all very exciting.

Now I just have to teach two useless boys to cook...

2011- The End?

2010-02-06T18:55:00.002+13:00

I've been thinking about this blog, and how it cannot go on forever. I've been wondering now when an appropriate time to end it would be, and although I haven't been sixteen for awhile, I'm not ready to end it yet.

I think a good time to be end it will be at the end of next year, after my 21st birthday - traditionally the age where you supposedly enter adulthood.

Although things might change next year, this is my plan for now.

A Common Belief?

2010-01-31T18:38:00.002+13:00

Once again, another day was spent people watching at work. Today - being a Sunday, I noticed all the people dressed nicely, wandering through the mall after church. It got me thinking about religion.

Jake is a New Apostolic Christian, my parents were -for awhile - regular Anglican church-goers. My older sister is an atheist, my little sister a Christian who reads the Bible, but doesn't agree with all it says.

What do I believe? I wouldn't describe myself as a Christian - I don't believe in all it's ideals, and I find it can be quite judgmental. However, I do believe in something, and I do hold some Christian ideals. I used to believe in reincarnation, but after the death of my Nana, I stopped. I don't imagine her as being reborn. I like to think of her in a better place - Heaven perhaps.

I don't think I believe in Hell. Instead, I think that if you don't deserve to go to this 'better place, you are simply dead. No afterlife for you. I believe that if overall, you live a good life - no murdering, raping, extortion, you donate to charity once in awhile etc - you will get to this 'better place.'

I don't believe that things like sex before marriage, having children out of wedlock and homosexuality will affect your chances. To me, these things are not signs of having lived a 'bad' life, just another life with different paths.

I live with the belief that if you do good things, good things will come to you, and I don't think that's a bad way to live my life.

2020: A Sixteen Secrets Odyssey

2010-01-29T18:13:00.003+13:00

Sitting at work waiting for customers gives you plenty of time to think, and today as I sat watching the young and old, I began to think about where I see myself in ten years time.

The year will be 2020, and I will be 29 years old. By then, I will have graduated with a master's in history and a teaching diploma. Hopefully I will be teaching at a public school, and encouraging kids to fall in love with history like I did.

I would like to be married, and perhaps pregnant or looking to get pregnant with my first of two children. Ideally, my husband will earn enough for me to be a stay at home mother, or perhaps only working one or two days. My mother does not work, and hasn't since she had my sister. I value the time she gave us, and would love to be able to do the same for my children.

I will have travelled, and perhaps lived overseas for a year - most probably somewhere in Britain.

Most importantly, I want to be happy with where I am at life. I don't want to be the woman who dreads turning 30. I want to be able to embrace it and celebrate my life lived so far.

2010-01-28T16:06:00.001+13:00

16 days until I move.

Woohoo!

Twink Incident

2010-01-25T20:17:00.003+13:00

When I was in Year 10 (about 14 years old), I turned to the desk behind me and asked my friend if she had twink (or white-out, whatever you want to call it) that I could borrow.

"No sorry, I don't have any," she said. As she was doing so, her best friend - who was seated beside her slowly reached out and grabbed the twink that was sitting on her desk in front of her.

"Ok, thanks anyway," I said, and turned back around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her friend pretend to wipe her forehead with a relieved look on her face.

I never would have noticed if her friend hadn't reached out to hide the twink from me, and because of it, the incident has stayed in my head since.

I'm not sure of the relevance of this, but I felt like writing it down.

Sawg Retuns

2010-01-20T17:57:00.003+13:00

"Holy hell, Six! Is that you?"

Sawg was clearly checking me out. We haven't seen each other since I moved back. As I pulled the sheets that covered the products in our store bag, I laughed.

"It's me, I just come and go as I please, now. It's great."

"High heels and all."

Yeah, that's right, Sawg. I moved away, went to uni, joined the gym and lost weight. You missed out, and I'm awesome.

Love Under the Stars

2010-01-17T18:24:00.003+13:00

As we made love under a crystal clear night sky, he looked down at me and said,

"As I make love to you under these stars, just know that I have never loved anyone like this before."

Tears filled my eyes and I wrapped my arms around him tightly. Afterwards I kissed him and said,

"No one's ever said anything like that to me before."

"Well it's true. I want to make you happy."

"You do, and I'm the same - about you of course, not about me." He laughed at my sudden nervousness.

"I know."

It was the end to a perfect couple of weeks. I had gone to stay with Jake - six days of just us in his house. It was like we were living together, and I loved it. We wandered around naked or in our underwear, cooked together, watched 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' and showered together. I felt so at peace in fact, that on my last day with him I cried because I know the chances of us being together like that again for awhile are slim. Although we believe in a future together, he said that he wouldn't move in with a girl until he had put an engagement ring on her finger, something I understood and accepted, despite my suggestion that we move in together in 2011 if we end up spending every night with each other this year.

It's less than five weeks until I move out, and I cannot wait for the year ahead.

Holiday Time

2010-01-02T17:17:00.002+13:00

I'm off to stay with my boyfriend tomorrow for the week (we have to house to ourselves, so we have to make the most of it), and then after that I'm on holiday with my family.

This means I won't be updating until I get back, but be sure to check in when I'm back for some juicy posts!

Happy New Year

2009-12-31T15:15:00.002+13:00

Happy New Year to all my wonderful and loyal readers! I hope your New Year's Resolutions aren't too ambitious (mine: do well at uni, and keep up with the running).

Be safe, party hard, or curl up on the couch with your loved one. Whatever you do, make sure you enjoy the last night of the decade!

A Big Fat Fuck You.

2009-12-30T20:41:00.002+13:00

Believe it or not, but this blog is about me. This gives me the right to write about me. And sure, right now my life's pretty great - however, if you had read my entire blog, you would know that my life has not always been great. I go through the same teenage angst as everyone else. Try these ones, Needs, The C Word or Good News and Bad

How dare you judge me for being happy. If you are unhappy, then I am sorry, but don't try and bring me down. I already have a sister who tries to do that, I don't need to have it here on my blog where I write about what I like. If I choose not to share the special facts about Jake (like how he surprised me by taking me to a movie he didn't want to see for my birthday, and the zoo. How he invited me to stay with his family on a holiday. How when he took my virginity he couldn't stop apologising for having hurt me. How he tells me that with each passing day that he doesn't see me, he feels more strongly about me).

Sure, this is the first time I've been in love. I never said he was perfect, or that we're going to get married and have children. All I said was that I'm happy. If this offends you, then stop reading my blog.

Christmas

2009-12-26T19:49:00.001+13:00

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was laid back and nice. Happy holidays!

What's The Deal?

2009-12-22T12:11:00.003+13:00

This blog isn't as fun anymore now that every comment is about how much of a creep Jake is. Which, for the record, he is not.

He's not in a gang- the first time he was attacked he was walking home with some mates and guy walked out and tried to mug them. Jake took the attack, wrestled the guy to the ground and held him in a choke hold until the cops arrived. On Saturday night, he and his mates were waiting for their ride home when two young guys from the Mongrel Mob (his mates think it might have been some sort of initiation) and started trouble. For the first time in his life, Jake told them that he didn't want any trouble. They told him that it was too late, and one of the guys punched him with a knuckle duster. He's from a small town, and so violence from gangs is higher than it is in the bigger cities.

He's not a virgin-hunter, thank you very much. Mine was the first virginity he's taken, and when I make jokes about having threesomes with another guy he tells me "no ways would I ever let that happen. You've only had me and I want to keep it that way." And before you go ranting about how he'd probably be happy to have a threesome with another chick, you're wrong. He said that thought makes him feel uncomfortable because he'd feel like he was cheating on me. And yes, he cheated on his girlfriend with me. But he and his girlfriend were only together for two weeks, if that before we got together, and most people wouldn't even consider that to be a relationship. Jake and I have been together for four months, and I'd trust him with my life. He talks about the future with me - moving in together in our third year, and even getting engaged (but not until we finish uni). Not of it's ever in a "this is what we're going to do" way, but in a "wouldn't it be cool if we stayed together" kind of way.

Yes, when Jake came round, we broke my father's rules. However, if I hadn't wanted to break them, he would have been happy to stay in his own room. Did you never break your parents rules? Not ever? If you didn't, then what a boring teenage life you must have had to have never done anything that they didn't approve of.

For those of you that are interested, Jake is 18 years old, turning 19 in May, so he's about 5 months younger than me. He's also quite mature- more mature than me I'd say. He's been through a lot - his Dad was abusive (and no Jake's never laid a finger on me- he's not that guy), and so he's been through the divorce of his parents and then moving to a new country where he knew no one and had no one but his immediate family with him.

That's the end of my defence of Jake. He's a wonderful guy, end of story. If these nasty comments keep coming, I'm going to start writing about unicorns and ponies. I'm not stupid. If Jake turns out not to be the right thing for me, then I'll leave him.

Surgery

2009-12-21T16:03:00.002+13:00

I've just come home from my bedside vigil at the hospital.

Ok, it's not quite as dramatic as it sounds. Well, it is a bit dramatic. Jake had his jaw broken by two gang members (strangers- he's not in a gang!) and so I rushed to be with him while he waited for his operation. Unfortunately I had to leave to get back to my hometown for work (before Christmas retailers are stuffy about getting work off, and I'd already had Sunday off). He's in post-op now and so is already on the mend.

I'll do a post later about why he's so great because everyone seems to hate him. Not that I have any need to justify my relationship. I'm happy, he's happy, and we love each other.

A Wonderful Weekend

2009-12-14T16:38:00.002+13:00

I've just had the most wonderful weekend. Jake came up to stay on Friday, and left around lunchtime today. I didn't quite realise how much I missed him until I saw him again, didn't quite realise how much I love him until I saw him again.

We went shopping, and he bought me my Christmas present, which is a lovely pink satin nightie. We went to see The Time Traveller's Wife, which he surprisingly loved. I took him to a Japanese place for dinner, snuggled with him, had sex four times (once in the living room), and was generally the happiest I've been since the holidays began.

My favourite part of the weekend would have to be Saturday night. We were sleeping in separate rooms in accordance to my father's rules, when suddenly I was woken by Jake getting into bed beside me and pulling my arm over him.

"Are you ok babe?"

"My knee's in so much pain, and I knew you'd make me feel better," he said. He had a skin infection on his knee from being attacked last week, and for some reason it got very bad during the night. I climbed out of bed and fetched him some painkillers and then held him as he waited for it to kick in. He later told me that when he was little and in pain (has bone growths, which means he on occasionally gets bone infections), he used to crawl into bed with his mum. The fact that he reverted to that natural instinct with me made me feel incredibly special. Now I'm the woman that gets to cuddle him and make him feel better.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

2009-12-02T16:09:00.003+13:00

I'm still not really sure what love is, to be honest. I'm pretty sure I love Jake, and being away from him is horrible, but with this being my first love, I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to feel.

A lot of people have said that love is all consuming, that it takes you over and is all you can think about. I wouldn't say this is true for me. Yes, Jake's often on my mind, especially as we are so far apart at the moment, but I don't feel the need to constantly declare my love for him or tell him how much I miss him - in fact, when he was going through a week patch last weekend, and every text said "I miss you," or something along those lines, I got a little freaked out.

I don't want our love to become obsessive. I don't want to only see him all the time, and he's the same. Sure, seeing each other more often than we see other people is likely, but we have other friends and different interests, and we believe that it's important to keep hold of them. I want to be the object of his affection, but not the only object.

If someone asked me to define love, I'd probably say it was the feeling of security that I have when I'm with him. When I'm wrapped in his arms, nothing can go wrong. It's how he makes me feel- beautiful, whether fully clothed or naked. He's not afraid to tell me the truth, and not afraid to tell me to stop complaining (something I do far too often).

So I'm still not sure what love is, if it's supposed to be all consuming, or if it's just that feeling of security. Either way, I'm happy with how I feel at the moment.

P.S. I'd love to hear what you think love is.

2009-11-29T09:38:00.001+13:00

Goodness, eight days since I last posted. How terrible of me. I've been so busy with work, and to be honest I don't have much to blog about because I'm on holiday. I haven't really had the chance to go out with friends or anything, so I'm out of hot topics. If anyone has any questions for me I'll do a q&a session, just because I have nothing better to write about.

Boy Body Issues

2009-11-20T20:26:00.002+13:00

Turns out boys have body issues, too. I mean, I was aware of it - I'm not stupid, but even confident boys worry if their body isn't good enough.

I'm talking about this today because my boyfriend texted me, saying he had something to ask that was bugging him.

"Are you happy with my body? Like, are you happy with me?"

"What? Are you serious? I love your body. I love your arms and your back especially."

"Yeah, I'm being serious. I guess being fat once makes me still think I'm a little bit fat. I saw Taylor Launter in New Moon and ultimately I want to look like that, so next year I'm going to start a new program at the gym to work on toning up."

"Don't let it become your life. If you want to get a body like him, I won't complain, but I love you the way you are and will continue to do so whether you have the body of Jacob or not."

Now, Jake's not a skinny guy, so his toning up to look like the New Moon wolf is not unrealistic. He's bulky, but lacks the definition that stereotypically makes a man sexy. Well, not stereotypically. I'm not going to complain if he wants to tighten up, but as it is, to me he is still perfect the way he is. He has an amazingly warm body temperature which I love, because I always seem to be cold. Who needs a blanket when you can snuggle up to your own personal heater with arms to wrap around you and make you feel secure.

It doesn't matter what his body's like, I fell in love with him and not his body.

Skype Calls

2009-11-17T20:49:00.003+13:00

It's been just over a week since I saw him in person, but last night we had a Skype date. It started out as general conversation, talking about what we'd been up to, our families, our uni plans. And then it got a little romantic as we undressed for each other and just soaked each other up.

Only problem was, it made us both a lot more desperate to see each other again, which is why he's decided to fly up and stay with me in twenty-five days (yes, I'm counting down) so that we can spend time with each other.

After he told me he loved me and we hung up, I felt lonely, which sucked. I wanted to snuggle into his warmth and have him kiss me.

Twenty Five Days to Go.

An Epiphany

2009-11-14T17:12:00.002+13:00

I think I've had an epiphany before on this blog, but I'm had another one. I had it a couple of days ago while I was getting undressed for my shower.

I'm happy with my body.

It may not seem like a big epiphany, but for most women (and men too, perhaps), they never achieve happiness. Sure, I'm not perfect, but at this moment I've never felt so secure in my own skin. Going to the gym has made me relatively fit, and relatively toned. My legs still wobble a bit, but my stomach looks good. I'm confident to undress for Jake, and I know he loves my body, so maybe that helps.

It's a good epiphany to have.

Long Distance

2009-11-11T17:27:00.002+13:00

This long distance thing sucks and it's only been four days. Don't worry, I haven't become all pathetic and whiney. I'd just like to hear his voice. Hopefully we get the chance to talk tonight.

I figured out how much it will cost to go to his town. Too much. It would amount to about three days of work and that sucks, because I can't go spending the money I make like that.

I'm sad. Hopefully he can come see me.

Home

2009-11-09T10:42:00.002+13:00

I'm done. I'm back in my hometown for three months of freedom. Well, working... but mostly freedom.

It's both awesome and sad - home cooked meals rule, but chances of me seeing my friends and Jake over the holidays are slim. I'm busy waiting for Summer to truly arrive so I can spend my days reading books in the sun.

Thanks to everyone who offered their support about my little sister. We sat down and watched the interview with Rihanna yesterday - I'm hoping that maybe it will make her think a little bit. Other than that, there's still nothing I can do.

Exams, Jake and Abuse

2009-11-03T13:27:00.003+13:00

Just one more exam to go and I will officially be finished my first year of university. I feel so old! I should be studying, but I can't seem to do more than two hours a day without getting majorly distracted.

On another note, my parents said that Jake could come and stay with us during the Summer break, as long as we sleep in different rooms. This is a big achievement in my household, where the rule used to be 'no boys to stay. Ever.' I think my parents are finally recognising that I'm growing up, or perhaps they just really like Jake. Either way, I'm stoked.

I'm not stoked about the situation with my littler sister, though. Her boyfriend had been seen pushing her to the ground at school. My parents aren't able to do much, because she's said that if they stop her from seeing him, she'll run away. They'd prefer to be able to monitor what he's doing than have her run away and get even more hurt. They've forced her to go to counselling, and that's about as much as they can do for now. I'm hoping that when I get back, I'll be able to help her, even if it's just by spending time with her. It sucks that she's 16 years old and in an abusive relationship. It's even worse that the only person who can truly help her turn this situation around is herself.

Birthday!

2009-10-28T16:33:00.003+13:00

Best birthday ever? I think so.

Gifts from friends made me feel good, and then Jake put me in the car and drove without telling me where we were going. I had to close my eyes, and when we opened them, we were at the zoo. I was totally excited, because we've been talking about going for ages. After we wandered round the zoo, we were off to our next location. He handed me his wallet and told me to look inside. There were two tickets to the movie, The Young Victoria, a movie I've wanted to see for ages, but he'd refused to see with me. I was so excited. He made the day feel so special, and it was topped off when he have me a martini glass, because he believes that "a classy girl needs something classy to drink from, and this strikes me as your sort of glass."

I can't believe I'm 19. This blog has been running for three years! Crazy, huh? This year has probably been one of the biggest years of my life. I moved away from home, made a whole bunch of new friends. I had my heart broken and learnt how to pick up the pieces. I drank, a LOT. I met a guy who makes me feel secure and amazing. I lost my virginity and discovered how great sex can be (FYI: on the weekend I had sex in a tent and in the shower). I joined a gym, I ran out of money, and I think I grew up quite a lot.

I'm looking forward to the next years, and hopefully this blog can continue so that you can all share my experiences with me.

The Blog Continues

2009-10-21T18:12:00.003+13:00

Ok, so the blog stays. I'm going to continue to write about how happy I am with life at the moment. Big sarcastic thanks to the people who think my happiness is about to come crashing down around me. Believe it or not, I'm aware that sex does not make a relationship, but just because I don't blog about the other aspects of my relationship doesn't mean that all there is is sex. We're happy, and screw you if you want me to come crashing down.

I'm meeting his family this weekend, who are holidaying in a popular New Zealand holiday spot for Labour Weekend. We're driving up to meet his five younger siblings, his mother and step father and his grandmother. Needless to say, I am incredibly nervous. I want to make a good impression on his family, because I want this relationship to last. He's very close with his mother, so if I don't impress her, his view of me will be tarnished. I'm sure I can impress them- I'm going to rock up with some lollies for the kids, and dress in a cute summer dress so that his mother knows I dress well. I'll play with the kids, and when Jake's studying, I'll pull out my study so she knows that I apply myself.

If she doesn't like me, it's three days that I have to grin and bear it. Wish me luck.

P.S - 19 next week, so look out for a good ol' birthday post.

An Apology

2009-10-16T10:11:00.004+13:00

Dear Anonymous Reader,

Thank you for making me realise that as of late, my blog has turned to crap. I knew it had been going downhill for awhile, but your comment really opened my eyes.

The truth is, is that I think I may have run out of things to say. It's not that I want this blog to end, but after 3 years of 'boys don't like me,' and 'I don't know where I'm going in life,' my life has finally started to come right. Realistically, I know that nobody wants to hear about how I know where I'm going with my life, that I'm with a guy who makes me feel amazing, that when he holds me in his arms I feel like nothing can go wrong. Hell, I know I don't want to read about that stuff. I know that it's a lot more interesting to read about other people's misery, because it makes us feel more secure.

This blog is supposed to be about me growing up, and I'm well aware that I still have a lot of it to do. But right now I feel I've reached a plateau, that for now at least, my growing up has stopped. This blog isn't coming to an end - not until I truly run out of things to say, but it might be lame for awhile, unless you can ask me questions, to which I will happily blog about.

All my love,

Six

Crazy Monkey Sex

2009-10-15T11:59:00.002+13:00

Last night we were lying in bed watching TV episodes on Jake's laptop. While he was intensely focussed on the screen I stripped down to my underpants. When he turned his computer off and rolled over to face me, he was most surprised.

And then we had the best sex I've have since I started. He bent me over his desk and did me from behind, I sat on his lap and he bounced me up and down like a kid on Santa's lap, he did me on a chair. Then I pushed him onto the bed and rode him. And then he flipped us round and lifted my legs up high and went deep and hard until I came. It was an excellent night.

He told me I had the most perfect breasts he'd ever seen, which always goes down a treat. I told him I should become a porn star with such perfect breasts. His reply? "No way. I want to be the only one who gets to fuck you." I love it when he talks like that when we're in bed. We don't exactly talk dirty to each other, but our language becomes harsh and crude, and it is such a turn on. He wants me to talk dirty to him more, but I don't really know what to say so mostly I just tell him to fuck me harder.

Plans

2009-10-13T18:57:00.000+13:00

My plan for tonight:

Study for test worth 25% that's happening tomorrow.
Have sex.

Silent Whispers

2009-10-06T20:13:00.002+13:00

Saturday night I introduced Jake to my family at a cousin's 21st. Everyone seemed to like him, which was really good.

What was even better was us fooling around in our sleeping bags on the floor while my sister's slept in the double bed behind us. The restrictions of not being able to raise our voices above a near whisper was more of a turn on than anything I've ever experienced. He whispered all the dirty things he wanted to do to me while I tried to avoid moaning in ecstasy as his fingers worked magic on me.

The next day as we neared campus I rubbed him gently the whole way until he was rock hard by the time we got back.

"You realise," he said, "that as soon as we get inside I'm going to fuck you?'

And did her ever.

Fucking on the Phone

2009-09-28T15:41:00.002+13:00

Last night we were both naked in his bed, my hand around him, and his fingers in me when my cellphone went off.

"Just ignore it," I said, thinking it was a text message. He picked it up and I noticed that the little light was still flashing. "Fuck, it's a phone call." I flipped it open and answered it.

"Hi, Six! How're you?" It was my Dad. Jake got off the bed and wandered over to his drawers while I had a little chat to my father. He came back, condom on, and climbed on top of me, kissing my neck and sucking on my nipples. I tried to keep my voice steady and act like nothing was going on.

"Dad, I have to go now," I said, pushing Jake back as he tried to enter me.

"Oh, how come?" He said. I think he was a little bit disappointed.

"Because my boyfriend is about to fuck me," I replied.

Just kidding.

"I had a late night last night so I'm pretty tired."

"Oh, ok, goodnight love you."

As soon as I had closed me phone Jake was in me and I had the best sex I'd ever had. He focussed entirely on me getting pleasure, and when he whispered in my ear how he loves my "tight little pussy," I knew I'd found a winner. And then he gave me my first orgasm that I hadn't done myself and it was an excellent night.

Nudity and Orgasms

2009-09-25T19:43:00.002+12:00

I've been discussing my sex life with two of my friends that I live with, and they say that I'm quite different from most girls.

Why?

Because Jake has seen me completely naked.

"But surely your boyfriend saw you naked when you guys had sex?" They both shook their heads,

"Nope, it'd be dark and straight afterwards I'd get under the sheets," Louise said, and Manda nodded in agreement.

"Really? That's so weird..."

"It's not weird, you're the weird one," Louise laughed, "you have way too much self confidence for a girl."

"I guess Jake just makes me feel beautiful. Afterwards we lie there for a bit, just, together. It's not weird at all. Should it be weird?"

"No, of course not. It's a good thing that you're confident about your body," Manda assured me. "Do you go on top?"

"Yeah..."

"Wow," said Louise. "I have so much respect for you. I think you've had better sex than I've ever had. Do you enjoy it? Or do you just enjoy it cause he enjoys it?"

"I enjoy it because it feels good... but I haven't orgasmed yet..."

"I never did with my ex, and we had sex all through Summer,"

"Shit, son."

"I also never enjoyed it like you do. I'm sure your orgasm's right around the corner."

Let's hope so. Sex is feeling good right now, but I still haven't peaked. Is it rude to tell him that I haven't?

The L Word

2009-09-22T19:48:00.002+12:00

He loves me. He told me this ages ago, but I left it out of the details for now.

More specifically, he's IN love with me. With ME.

And I love him too. I'm not IN love with him, but I am quickly heading in that direction.

The thought of not seeing him for two months while he's in South Africa with his family hurts. I'm going to have to keep so busy over Summer so I don't spend it pining over him, because I don't want to be that girl.

In other news, last night we were having sex and then he decided we should stop because we both had to get up for the gym in the morning. I thought I'd done something wrong, but he assures me that it was just bed time. It still seems a bit weird to me, but he is a mysterious one.

Just For Your Information...

2009-09-20T21:12:00.001+12:00

I had some hot sex last night.

A Blowjob

2009-09-18T13:35:00.003+12:00

Jake asked me if I'd ever given a blowjob before the other night when we were in bed. I lied and said that I hadn't, when in actual fact I'd given Kip one.

Why did I lie? Surely it's not that bigger deal to have been honest. I think it was just easier to say that I hadn't, especially as I know that Jake is still uncomfortable with the role Kip played in my life prior to him. He worries that I might still have feelings for him, because I told Jake that I had thought I was in love with him. I've reassured him that our feelings towards each other are now purely platonic, that it's Jake I feel for now, but I know if he knew I'd given him a blow job he probably still wouldn't be that happy.

Also, when I gave Kip his blowjob I wasn't sober, so I had the liquid confidence. Although in time I'm sure I will be happy to give Jake one, I didn't feel confident enough to do it then. He was fine with it, but I think if he knew about Kip's, he might have felt a bit ripped off.

Well That Hurt.

2009-09-12T10:43:00.002+12:00

I told Jake I was falling for him last night.

"That makes me very happy," he replied. "I'm falling for you too. I'm falling in love with you."

I'm meeting his step-dad tonight, who's in the city for a big game. I'm quite nervous, but so happy that he wants me to meet him. I'm glad because I think this is the only chance I will have because his family are moving back to South Africa.

Something bigger than that happened last night, though. Last night I lost my virginity and shit it hurt like a mother fucker, even though he was gentle and went slow. He kept apologising for hurting me, which made me smile. For all the males who read my blog, I would describe the feeling as having an ear piercing that's grown over, and then forcing an earring back through it. Except on a much larger scale, obviously.

Another Short Post

2009-09-10T19:27:00.003+12:00

I've been really lazy with updating and I apologise, it's just that I don't think my readers will be as interested in how generally happy I am. It's just not as interesting as how much my life sucks.

Things with Jake are still going well, even with the death stares from the ex. She can get fucked. Jake and I have been together now for as long as they were (that's right, three weeks. Hardly enough to count), so she needs to grow up.

Uni's going well, I just got an essay back worth 25% of the paper with an A+. The lecturer was pretty much creaming himself over how good it was, so I'm feeling pretty good right about now.

Things With Jake.

2009-09-06T16:10:00.003+12:00

Things with Jake are going really well. We spent the day together shopping on Thursday (town dress for $34? Yes please), and the present he got me was an All Blacks t-shirt. I stayed in his room on Friday night and it was really nice. We've had 'the talk,' and he's completely willing to wait for me to be ready, he said he doesn't expect anything from me, which is cool. I'm trying to go slow this time around - I don't want to leap into this like I did last time, just to have my heart broken once more.

He also looked after me last night and put me to bed after I did winey hands - a bottle strapped to each hand. Needless to say, I don't remember anything after finishing the second bottle. Apparently I tried to go to town but they told me that it was 4 in the morning and I'd already been, when in reality, it was 10.30 at night and there was no way I was going anywhere.

Blood is Thicker than Water

2009-09-02T15:37:00.001+12:00

My sister is nearly 21 years old and still expects me to make sure she's up in the morning to make sure she gets to her doctor's appointment on time. Seriously? Grow. Up.

My little sister has a boyfriend that breaks her heart every couple of weeks, yet she still goes back to him every time.

Thank God I don't live here anymore.

One more sleep until I get to see Jake.

Quick Update

2009-08-31T22:37:00.000+12:00

Sorry! I've been in another part of the country for the last five days and therefore away from private internet access.

Jake's coming to my town on Thursday. We're going shopping and then back to campus together. He also has a surprise for me. I'll post what it is when I get the chance.

Me and Him, Him and Me.

2009-08-23T18:14:00.002+12:00

Well, he broke up with his girlfriend for me, and now we're together. I couldn't be happier. Both of us are a bit worried that karma's going to come round and bite us in the bum, but for now we're just focussing on us and getting to know each other better.

Before we got 'together,' I asked him how long he and his ex had been together. I wasn't going to go near it if it had been months, but it had only been three weeks, so I felt less guilty. He told me that he liked me and the beginning of the year, and he likes me now. Is that what I wanted to hear? Of course it was. I feel silly for feeling so happy about the whole thing, but I can't help it.

We spent two and a half hours on Skype on Thursday night, and we're going to talk online again tonight. He's also coming up to my hometown to see where I live, and then he's bringing me back here, where we'll spend the weekend hanging out until uni goes back.

I'm so excited for what this relationship might bring.

Facebook Chat and Suggestive Texts

2009-08-18T09:10:00.003+12:00

Six

Do I wait round for creep Arabian guy or do I just give up and move on?

Nick

seriously?

Six

Seriously. I need to know before I get too cut up about it.

Nick

Dont mention i said this but Jake is pretty conflicted. we both know arabian is a joke.

what I know is that he doesnt wanna do wrong to anyone and is considering a lot

Six

Either way he's doing wrong.

And I know he doesn't want to be, he's not that sort of guy. I know this. But by not cutting me or her off he's just hurting both of us in the long run

Nick

i know. ummm... I know he wants to sort this out. im tryin to help him make this decision but its hard...

Six

Yeah. I know it is. And I want him to make the right one. Just right now I feel like I'm being messed around.

And the right one for him, not me

Nick

I honestly do not actually fully know wats...

wat hes thinking

Just a little time is wat i need to try and help him with this.

I want him to do right as well

Six

Yeah. I don't care what his decision is (well obviously I do, but you know). Just as long as he's happy with it.

Yes, I am well aware that chances are, I am setting myself up for some big hurt. Karma, right? But also, I only ever seem to get the bad side of karma, so surely I should be getting some good things soon, right?

Suggestive texts:

"You should not go on an exchange next year and instead come to South Africa with me in the middle of the year."

"Maybe I could afford to do both. Or visit you in South Africa on my way back."

"Gutted. Maybe. What if you had a boyfriend in NZ and you left for the USA? Be a big buzz kill, wouldn't it?"

"I don't and if I did it wouldn't be if he was willing to wait four months to kiss me again."

"Just hypothetically you know. But I'm sure he'd be willing to wait."

But...

2009-08-16T14:00:00.002+12:00

A text conversation:

"You look beautiful by the way."

"Don't."

"I will do what I want when I want :)"

"You can't do what you want when you want."

"Aw that sucks, big time."

"That could have been us in there corner there."

"That's insane. In a cool way I mean."

"Instead we'll just send text messages that we shouldn't."

"Haha I like that."

We don't take our eyes off of each other, while our two friends are going at it in the corner of the bar. Finally the two split off and we go home our seperate ways. I text him later telling him to come round so that our friends can hook up, and they come with noodles in hand. Jake and I go out to make the noodles and leave them to it. He leans on the wall while I fill the jug and boil it.

"How did I get so lucky?"

"You're not lucky." I stand close to him and somehow our lips find each other. He lifts me up and sits me on the bench and we kiss until the jug boils. Then, following his instructions we make instant noodles. Then, it's back to our room where we eat noodles and then while our friends get really carried away in my bed, I sit in Jake's lap and we kiss more. We talk, as well. He calls me beautiful, he tells me about my hair. He tells me that when we first met he thought I was a lesbian. I was his first crush here. Our connection's too strong for someone who has a girlfriend. He gives me my first hickey.

I feel cheap today. I was the girl that I hoped I'd never be. We're talking about it now, and I'm just trying to figure out whether we're going to go anywhere. If he doesn't break up with his girlfriend, then that's it, I'm out and moving on.

"I'm Not a Cheater"

2009-08-14T10:56:00.002+12:00

I left town early (food poisoning and alcohol are never a good idea), but texted him, telling him that he should come and visit me when he gets back from town. He said he would, and after a few more flirty texts, he told me to throw down my keys.

Jake came up and we chatted for ages about life in general. For some reason he decided to hop on my computer and go on Facebook, and then told me to take a stupid quiz. While I did the quiz he lay down on my bed.

"Don't you dare coma on my bed," I said as I crawled over him and sat on the bed behind him.

"I won't, I won't." I started flicking him with my fingers, trying to stop him from falling asleep on my bed. He kept hitting my hand away in a playful manner, but slowly the playful slaps became caresses as we let our hands slip through each other's, brushing our fingertips over the others. Neither of us spoke. He started falling asleep, so I smacked him in a playful manner.

"No comaing!"

"I'm not. Just imagine you're somewhere else," he said to me as I got under my duvet and lay behind him. "I'm in the Caribbean."

"I'm in Tanzania."

"Tanzania, eh?"

"Have you ever been there?" He's from South Africa so I figured it was fair enough to ask.

"No, I never went outside South Africa."

"Have you ever seen a lion?"

He turned to face me and we had mindless chit chat for awhile. And then I started to run my fingers over his face, and then he kissed them. And then we kissed.

"I can't do this. I'm not a cheater,"

"Yeah, I know," I replied. He ran his hands over my cheek, and smiled at me.

"You're beautiful and if this had been any other time..."

"If I'd made a move a week earlier, huh?"

"Pretty much." He kissed me again. And a damn good kiss too.

"Chin up," he said, "you're beautiful. You are. I should probably go." He kissed me again and then he left.

I don't feel guilty, but disappointed because I think he's too honourable to ditch his girl. But if only I'd made a move a week earlier!

LBD

2009-08-07T19:35:00.002+12:00

Last night I went to a LBD (Little Black Dress) Party. I was picked up in a 2009 V8 Holden and given champagne to drink in the back. When we arrived at the venue, the door was opened for us and we had our photo taken outside the bar. I have never felt so cool in my life. I felt like a celebrity. It was the best night in town I've ever had.

I met up with a guy that I'm kind of interested in just before we went home. He was incredibly flirty and when I told him I was going home he offered to buy me a drink to stay. I texted him when I came home and he told me to come back to town so he could buy me a drink. I told him I "couldn't be bought," and his exact message was "it's a pity you can't be bought, because I'd buy you." I laughed him off and told him he was drunk and that I'd text him in the morning.

Then I saw on Facebook today that he's 'in a relationship.' WTF (yes, I did just use that), so now I don't know what's what. Everyone said that he's always all over me so I wonder why he'd flirt like that if he's taken. I'm a little bit disappointed, but I'm not overly worried. I'm just glad I didn't start liking him more before I found out.

Swine and Mc Donald's.

2009-08-03T11:44:00.003+12:00

The ball itself was lame, but getting dressed up and taking photos beforehand was awesome. I looked wonderful, if I do say so myself. My blue dress complimented my skin which had decided to clear up for the night.

Last night Kip got really sick (had I mentioned that we're good friends again?), and I mean really sick. His snot was orange, he was pale and said he had a headache. So his brother and I drove him to the hospital because we were worried that it was either meningitis or swine. We got to wait in the hospital for about two and a half hours before a nurse came out and checked his vitals. His heart was racing, so they took him off to do a heart trace. His brother and I started to get a bit worried, but he came back out and said his heart had gone back to normal. Finally he went off to see the doctor who said it probably wasn't swine, but was definitely a bad flu and ordered him away from uni for the rest of the week. We left the hospital at about 12.30 only to be told that his mother was driving from an hour away to pick him up, which meant his brother had to stay up to let her in. I volunteered to stay up with him, and so we drove around the city looking for ice cream. Because the roads were empty, we drove backwards around roundabouts and crossed lanes like we were racing car drivers. I finally made it to bed at about 3:00am.

My day was rather unproductive, because before this I sat in Mc Donald's with Derek, Sandra and Keith from 4:40pm to 8:00pm. It was a very good day though. Minus the swine fears.

The Ball (again)

2009-07-29T10:07:00.002+12:00

Derek asked someone else to the ball and I'm gutted. I don't know why I am, as I know I shouldn't be. He was never even aware that I wanted asking, which is my own fault of course. He had a deal with my friend Kim that if neither of them had found a date by the ball then they'd take each other, but then Derek asked Sophie. So even if he hadn't found a date he still wouldn't have taken me. I asked Kim to the ball, so at least we don't have to go alone. Derek told me yesterday that I should find a date so that I don't look stupid. I didn't know we were all supposed to be taking partners.

I just feel kind of silly for having ever expected Derek to ask me. I should know better by now.

2009-07-28T14:59:00.000+12:00

The ball is on Saturday, and no I have still not been asked by anyone. But I don't really care.

I'm more worried about my dress. I'm borrowing one off a friend but it's just not quite right. My sister's sending hers down for me to possible wear, so hopefully it will look good. I know it's only my uni ball, but that doesn't mean I don't want it to be perfect!

Jealous?

2009-07-22T14:48:00.000+12:00

Our ball is in a week, and all the guys are taking someone from outside of our group except for Derek. I kind of thought he'd ask just me, just because we're the only two without dates. I found out today that he has a secret date, but he hasn't asked her yet.

And I'm jealous! I'm not sure if I'm jealous because I wanted to go on his arm, or because I just wanted someone to ask me, or because I wanted to go with someone. But I am. I'm jealous, and I think it's a bad sign.

The End of Re-O

2009-07-19T21:27:00.002+12:00

And Re-O Week draws to a close, and I made out with two guys on two consecutive nights. A bit slutty maybe, but I couldn't give a hoot because I had fun. And they both texted me the next day, so it was a great self esteem boost.

Although, in saying that the ball is in a couple of weeks, and I would very much like someone to ask me. Mostly just because everyone in my group of friends seem to be coupling off. There are eight of us, and only three singles left. I've never been asked to a ball, so it'd be nice just for a change, even if it's just Derek, the only single guy left.

USA and Re O Week.

2009-07-16T14:53:00.002+12:00

I didn't realise that I'd get so many strong reactions to my decision to go to the States next year. I want to go somewhere different, and I've heard that Canada is a lot like New Zealand, only colder. Britain is the mother country, so a lot of our ideals and beliefs come from there. The United States of America, however, is truly a different place. Different foods, different ideas about society - plus I'm very interested in American history, so that's my reasoning for going there. Plus it means I can see Max again, which is merely an added bonus. I will not be going to the same university as him, and I'll be in a completely different state, so I'll still have to make new friends etc.

I'm back at uni now and we're coming to the end of Re-O week, which is a downgraded version of O Week. Last night I went to a fluoro party, and tonight we're all dressing in white for the White Out Party. On Tuesday night I got a back draught - a shot that they light on fire, and catch all the alcohol fumes in a glass, while sprinkling cinnamon over the flames. You then have to do the shot through a straw, and then suck up all the alcohol fumes. Straight after the shot there is a period of about ten minutes that I cannot remember a thing. Needless to say I will never do another one of those again.

Goals

2009-07-08T21:42:00.002+12:00

Semester B Goals:

Worry less.
Feel more secure with myself. I'm great, hear me roar and all that.
Extend my circle of friends.
Drink less, and go to town less. Not a lot less. Just less.
Work hard. Working hard equals scholarships for USA.
Save for USA.
Have fun!

Exchanges

2009-07-06T15:41:00.002+12:00

Sorry about the delay in posting. I've been really busy working, and for the past five days I've had a friend staying with me. Although not just any friend, Max is more like a brother to me. Last night I took him to the airport to catch a plane back to the USA. I cried like a little girl.

However, he's inspired me to go on an exchange next year to the States. After showing me pictures of what his campus looked like, I knew I'd love to experience that same college life. They seem to have a lot more school pride than the universities of New Zealand, so I've started researching the American universities that partner mine. Americans are also surprisingly different to us Kiwis, and I think it would be awesome to experience a new way of life.

I return to campus on Saturday, and after opening "the book of Max" and taking his advice, I'm going to try and be less insecure. He said that I have no reason whatsoever to be insecure - he's never heard a bad word said about me. So I'm listening to him, and I'm going to try to worry less and have more fun. I'm also not going to worry about boys- instead I'm going to focus on my studies more. I did really well this semester, finishing with an A average. I figure if I keep this up next semester, my chances of getting scholarships are a lot higher, and maybe I could even get sponsorship to the States.

I'm Going to Town Tonight...

2009-06-27T21:59:00.002+12:00

Proof

2009-06-25T21:27:00.002+12:00

I just wanted to assure readers that I'm not filling the void (if there is even one) with food.

I Want A Jess.

2009-06-21T21:48:00.004+12:00

Yeah, I'm posting again. Get over it. I'm on holiday! Although I've made the decision to restrict my Facebooking to one hour a day. I want people to think I'm out doing stuff, even if I'm not. I'm way to addicted to that stupid social networking site for my own good.

Anyway, point of today's blog is guys, again. Which was sort of the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so it's apt.

I love Jess from Gilmore Girls. He's a bit of a dick, but there's something so mysterious and sexy about him. And I want one, please. That's the sort of guy I'd like at the moment. The guy who isn't anti-social, but would prefer to stay and watch movies with you than go to town- but will go if you drag him. He reads, and makes pop-culture references, and if I don't get them, he'll make me read/watch/listen so that I do get it. He works, or at least has had some sort of a job, has a car, and of course is a good kisser. He wouldn't stick around forever, he can't, he's not made that way, but he always cares.

This is the kind of guy you can't meet in town, I don't know where you would.